Author: nmrecoveryhope

First, I apologize to my readers for not blogging in forever.

I have been working through a maze of craziness. Happy to report my Brit friend is recuperating nicely from his heart attack and we have removed sexual activity from our relationship.

So I have enjoyed several showers, bubble baths, and Starbucks with my younger software engineer.

Hey at this point I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want as I approach nine months of recovery and clean time.

I feel… I feel… I feel like I’m too old to be young and too young to be old.

Am I going through a “no life” crisis? What I want more than anything is to have the resources to take a trip somewhere and have a REAL VACATION.

Instead, I am still waiting to find a new renter, paying the bills, going to doctors appointments, and binge watching Sex In the City. I envy those characters their youth, looks, and freedom.

I think it’s safe to say that I am going through a shallow phase.

I feel antsy, bored and burned out and really need a change.

I am putting more effort into job hunting, but zero effort into making any new friends.

I am worried that I am enjoying being alone which could lead to isolation which could mean trouble.

I am going to just two meetings a week and justify that I don’t have any energy left for anything else.

Taking vitamins, blood pressure, and naps on the weekend is not the best lifestyle for a woman like me.

I need some action! But…what?

I keep looking for something. Will let you know when I find out what it is.

Meanwhile,

Peace, love and blessings

The past couple of weeks have been exceedingly, overwhelmingly stressful. Some of you may not believe what I am about to share, others may find this comical. Whatever… it’s my life. Remember first that I am a widow about to hit the 13th anniversary of my beloved husband’s death. And you recall I have a relationship with a much older British man.

Well for the past couple of weeks we haven’t been together due to my health issues and visits to the local lousy ER. I am going to see a neurologist about the possibility of me having Transient ischemic attacks. But I digress…

We agreed to have dinner last night. When I got there he was all cranky and wound up tight over dinner not being cooked yet, and yelling at his doggy too. I asked him why he was so uptight and he said he was in severe pain in his neck. Thought it was a pinched nerve. I tried to massage it, for him, but no joy. I got him some ibuprofen and then…

I went down on him…twice. Next thing he is clutching his chest –in pain. Now I’m starting to worry. We try laying down together on the bed in the dark. Nope. We go for a walk around his huge backyard. Nope. He just asked me to take my stuff and leave. So I blew up at him for pushing me away and he broke down sobbing.

Then I really felt bad. So I agreed to leave him alone and went home. I called him when I got home and I made him promise to call me if he went to the hospital. He woke me up at 330 this morning and told me he was driving himself to the hospital because his chest was still in pain! I stayed up all night worrying and waited for his next call.

At 8 this morning he called me and said that he was going through tests and although his chest STILL hurt, they gave him IV pain meds and he was feeling better and was going to drive himself home once they released him. I argued with him that I would be driving him home and he finally agreed. Next, he called me at around 11 today and said that they were going to ambulance him to Albuquerque 110 miles away, not life flight, ambulance (even though they have a helicopter).

He was heavily medicated by the time he called me from the hospital in Albuquerque and told me he was going off to have his “procedure” when suddenly some nurse grabbed his phone and said that they had to take him to surgery.

Longer story short, he had a large blockage in the carotid artery in his groin, and they did surgery to remove it. He DID have a heart attack. And all day long, all I could think was this:

Am I the woman who kills the men she loves — or loves on????

After a visit to my therapist and a long cry and weirdly running into my home group members an hour ago, I have finally calmed down.

I am a good lover and a good person…this was just freaking timing.

Peace, love and blessings….

I desire many things.  I have learned through a lifetime of experience that some are important and others are not worth having.  What I am learning now is that desire is OUR WILL not our Higher Power’s will.  Our desires are in our human nature and are driven by innate feelings and rationalization/justification.  We see something we want, we decide we need it, deserve it, or don’t want or need it after all.  What about lust?  Driven by hormones and the desire for physical pleasure and gratification?  Well, I could ALWAYS find a way to justify that; or the unwanted –I could certainly justify why NOT.

It started with that little kernel “thou shalt not covet” but I don’t think we were not supposed to desire things in our lives.  It’s okay to want a better job in order to provide, or want someone to love you that you can love back in a big way.  The latter example is what I think it’s all about anyway.

Funny thing about desire though.  It changes as time passes and life marches on.  When you are young, you desire simple things; toys, friends, food, shelter, clothing, your mommy, you know…the basics.  Now though I see toddlers with their own cell phones and iPads.  WTF?  They don’t eat baby food, they eat the most expensive grown up thing on the menu!  I’m serious –I have seen this at 2 years old!  Their desires change very rapidly.

When you are a teenager, you want friends, someone to love, great looks, cool toys like a better phone, computer, iPod, iPad, a car, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter –and all the cool accounts online.  You want the most fashionable clothes, or great music and movies to listen to and watch.  You want Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc.  Then why do we have such a high rate of teen suicide?  Look at the first two desires I listed — friends and someone to love.  See?  That desire is ALWAYS THERE.  Unfortunately as you navigate the transition to your young adulthood and say goodbye to your youth, things become more complicated.

Used to be in your 20s and 30s you desired a spouse, a job, kids, a home, an education (not necessarily in that order).  This has changed too.  Fewer young people get married until they are in their 40s and have had a chance to explore life and find employment.  Statistics say that 80% of students drop out of college after the first year.  So what are they doing instead?  The complicated part is that the lines have been blurred in the desire for love and the desire for lust.  Trying to date electronically via online dating profiles, text messages, Instagrams, tweets, etc., there is no human interaction going on like it once did.  People create a false online profile, and you may think you like someone or even love someone, but they may just want sex from you.  What a scary crazy time we live in!

You want less in your 40s and 50s, just security and a happy life to share with someone.  Good health becomes very important.  You make adjustments and do the best you can trying not to envy those who appear to have it better than you do.  As we age with experience, we grow up too.  You learn what to desire; you crave knowledge and spirituality.  You still desire love but it is a different kind than what you desired in your 20s and 30s.

At my age I desire to be a better person than I was yesterday.  I desire to cherish my family and friends and not to take anyone for granted.  I desire not to lose anyone I love, although I do not have control over that.  I desire to love and be loved but only if it is in His plan for me.  I desire to learn more.  I desire change and simplicity (a return to my child-like ways?).  I desire to have a meaningful existence and to leave behind a legacy of love and compassion.  I desire peace and serenity.

What do YOU desire?

I desire peace, love and blessings to all who read this….

I am/was/am an avid Carrie Fisher fan; not for the Princess Leia nonsense, but for her humor and wisdom.  The title of this blog is one of her many famous quotes.  I also love where she said “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

This really resonates with me as I am working my first 4th step and writing it all out, wow –I am really holding onto a lot of resentments.  It’s taking a long time and many many pages, but I think it’s important to get that sickness out of me where I can look at it and let it go.

Carrie also said: “I’m very sane about how crazy I am” and “I don’t hate hardly ever, and when I love, I love for miles and miles. A love so big it should either be outlawed or it should have a capital and its own currency.”  –I feel like that about my own self and my own capacity to love. I wonder if I will ever feel that way again with someone or if I just had my one chance at it and blew it forever.  She also said “my heart’s in the right place, cuz I hid it there.”

Yeah, she had a lot to say about being mentally ill that I can really connect to; and she still makes me laugh about my own mental illness.  She talked about being bi-polar a lot and being a survivor: “You know that bad thing about being a survivor -you keep having to get into difficult situations in order to show off your gift”
OMG – this is so ME.

And then there is this favorite quote:

You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Like fever, upset stomach, chills, whatever. Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse – and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!

I remember making dinner Friday night, the next thing I know, I am arguing with a friend about what time I am coming for dinner on Sunday…only it WAS Sunday. I went on Saturday to the valley to pay a bill and then was supposed to go to a picnic.  I have the check that says I paid the bill on Saturday.  Evidently I asked my niece to come change my sheets later that day for which I paid her by check $20 –TWICE.  She said I was walking funny and didn’t make any sense and forgot how to write a check.

Also, I had vomited on my bed.  All I know is that I lost Saturday.  So I canceled Sunday dinner and went to sleep early for a long time.  Got up and went to work Monday but did not feel right at all.  I finally decided to go to the Urgent Care, but when I told my boss, he insisted that he take me there.  So I left my car and went with him wondering if someone somewhere had slipped me something.  Also I did not want to go with him.

The urgent care doctor said my pulse and blood pressure were dangerously low and that I needed to go to the Emergency Room.  He spoke to my boss but not sure what he said.  My boss took me to the ER and they said I was badly dehydrated but were going to do a CT scan anyway and a tox screen.  BOTH CAME BACK NEGATIVE FOR EVERYTHING.

They released me to my boss, but the nurse wrote that I should stay home a day and rest and drink lots of fluids, which I have done all day today.

But it doesn’t explain what happened.  I was acting like a stroke, but no evidence of that on CT other than an old stroke scar on my brain from 2003.  Don’t remember hitting my head either.  Is it possible that I went to the picnic and was dosed?  They said to catch GHB in my system, I would have had to be tested the next day (Sunday).

Nobody believes me that I didn’t take anything.  Why WOULD I?  And if I did… wouldn’t I have gone for my DOC (Drug of Choice)? They would have found painkillers in my system, but as I said, the report says NEGATIVE all the way down, except LOW on calcium.

I am very frustrated about this.  I don’t need the wicked witch at work to have any more ammunition about me –in fact I was supposed to meet with the head shrink at my company to close out my FFD (Fitness for Duty) yesterday.

Any ideas?  Please let me know. There is a contact info link in this site.

Otherwise, peace, love, blessings and good health to all (beware of things handed to you).