The past couple of weeks have been exceedingly, overwhelmingly stressful. Some of you may not believe what I am about to share, others may find this comical. Whatever… it’s my life. Remember first that I am a widow about to hit the 13th anniversary of my beloved husband’s death. And you recall I have a relationship with a much older British man.
Well for the past couple of weeks we haven’t been together due to my health issues and visits to the local lousy ER. I am going to see a neurologist about the possibility of me having Transient ischemic attacks. But I digress…
We agreed to have dinner last night. When I got there he was all cranky and wound up tight over dinner not being cooked yet, and yelling at his doggy too. I asked him why he was so uptight and he said he was in severe pain in his neck. Thought it was a pinched nerve. I tried to massage it, for him, but no joy. I got him some ibuprofen and then…
I went down on him…twice. Next thing he is clutching his chest –in pain. Now I’m starting to worry. We try laying down together on the bed in the dark. Nope. We go for a walk around his huge backyard. Nope. He just asked me to take my stuff and leave. So I blew up at him for pushing me away and he broke down sobbing.
Then I really felt bad. So I agreed to leave him alone and went home. I called him when I got home and I made him promise to call me if he went to the hospital. He woke me up at 330 this morning and told me he was driving himself to the hospital because his chest was still in pain! I stayed up all night worrying and waited for his next call.
At 8 this morning he called me and said that he was going through tests and although his chest STILL hurt, they gave him IV pain meds and he was feeling better and was going to drive himself home once they released him. I argued with him that I would be driving him home and he finally agreed. Next, he called me at around 11 today and said that they were going to ambulance him to Albuquerque 110 miles away, not life flight, ambulance (even though they have a helicopter).
He was heavily medicated by the time he called me from the hospital in Albuquerque and told me he was going off to have his “procedure” when suddenly some nurse grabbed his phone and said that they had to take him to surgery.
Longer story short, he had a large blockage in the carotid artery in his groin, and they did surgery to remove it. He DID have a heart attack. And all day long, all I could think was this:
Am I the woman who kills the men she loves — or loves on????
After a visit to my therapist and a long cry and weirdly running into my home group members an hour ago, I have finally calmed down.
I am a good lover and a good person…this was just freaking timing.
Peace, love and blessings….
NMRecoveryHOPE 