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I like the word “escapades;” I love that I always had a word to use to describe  my extrication from my life.  Her name was –is –Vanessa.  when things were too painful, or boredom set in allowing for past images to haunt me, I would elope from my life on an escapade.  They were, in my mind, adventurous, unsettling and taboo.  You see, the more forbidden, the higher the excitement, right?  Mine usually culminated in sex.  The ultimate climax, was just how much damage I had done to myself (that I thought I had inflicted somehow upon another, such as payback to my austere mother).

I would go to some random, off-the-path watering hole, flirt my ass off with every male (and some of the females) there, then leave with the most unsuitable, unsavory, ill-advised partner, and proceed to have the raunchiest, off-the-charts kinky sex with that person, (sometimes more than one and sometimes both genders), while role playing a character from several in my repertoire the entire time.  I will introduce you to my “characters” later.

One night started with a dare for “baby oil Twister.”  I have never forgotten some of the details –others I blocked out; although I was wasted on cocaine, alcohol and pot.  That cocktail only made me more uninhibited and limber.  I was physically up for anything that night.  I was also the unwitting star of the fantasy of two male colleagues.  We played Twister and they got me pretty high.

Once you are too far in to say no, or stop, you realize it will become part of a bizarre collection of experiences in your youth, and all you can do is try to get through it the best you can.  The coke was a rush, and the alcohol just got me to let my hair down farther.  The pot was intended to chill me so that I would be so relaxed that I could command my lithe body to assume any position…and it did.  Unfortunately, the pot also made me introspective and hyper-analytical –as pot can.  Like I said, it was too late to turn back or stop either of the men who had sandwiched me between them.

So what is my point about these types of sexcapades?  Now that I am clean and sober, and thirty years older than I was when this occurred, I have to process these memories and their accompanying feelings of disgust and shame.  But also, I still have this tendency as an acting out behavior.  Yes, I am on way to 60.  Yes, I have changed significantly in terms of my looks.  I have my own style now.  Not just fashion, but self-awareness, self-confidence, and the faint fragrance of self-esteem.  I cannot say honestly that I love myself.  I hate my body these days.  Based on my one example here, this is going to take some time.  When I get bored now and feel the itch to act out inappropriately, what do I do?

I turn to two inappropriate relationships I am involved in:  One who is too old for me and who has to hide me from his daughter -who is a completely judgmental bitch; the other is a man who is too young for me and is merely a sexual toy.  I am aware of this and have had epiphanies on what they both mean to me.  But I continue to run; to escape my drama and my trauma.  I need to be learning, not leaning.  The crutch of a fixation on what is not socially acceptable continues to be an issue for me.  I say that it gives me freedom to explore myself at this age; that it’s merely a boost to a waning ego.  It’s just an excuse.

The truth is, I don’t have the motivation or the patience to do the work for finding a meaningful and healthy relationship.  I like my freedom.  I am set in my ways.  I am focused on my recovery.  I am unmotivated to date.  They are all excuses for the truth…I am afraid of rejection.

Wow, that was a long way around for a short answer.  I continue to blog honestly here because it keeps me accountable.  Would I love to fall in love again?  Of course (perish the thought, but it terrifies me too).  Am I ready?  After nearly 13 years?  Hell yes.  Am I willing to work at finding someone?  Uh…unh-uh.  I have an online dating account.  But I never seem to find the time or the inclination to work with it.  What’s holding me back?

Still working on that.

Peace, love and blessings to all who read here; please share….

I know now that my behaviors of active addiction included lying, justifications and rationalizations. I also know that I never loved myself. So now, how do I love myself without using any of my old behaviors?

I have been given psychological exercises such as using my affirmations list, or a gratitude list to “fall in love with my life” but with spiritual principles like honesty, open-mindedness and willingness, I am forced to use other tactics. One is to face the realities of what I didn’t love about myself –namely my body due to the way it has been used.

On the other side, I can focus on what I love in another (namely men)… like intelligence, humor and romanticism.

To get out of the fantasy and get to what’s real, I need to identify the qualities that I loved in the one I once called the love of my life.

The biggest one is capacity to love others and sex is way down on the list now. This is a big project for me. Self-esteem and self-love are equated with my appearance and sex…or it was.

This is hard for me to discuss. I will share more later about it.

Wow.  I went to church this morning to a new Sunday service; one I had never been to before.  I was enjoying the music, although from a selection standpoint, there could have been a couple more uplifting or happier songs.  Just my opinion..and maybe I was being VERY judgmental and not giving it a full chance.

You see, at my home church -the one I have attended since 1977, the pastor, whom I adore and can honestly say is one of the few truly Christian men I have had the honor to know, well, he retired.  This left a gaping hole for many of us.  As churches follow business practices, there was of course a selection committee for an INTERIM pastor. So once he arrived, I went to check it out.  He just briefly said “hi” as he moved on past me to other people he seemed to know better.  I missed my pastor.  He baptized me.  Then he baptized me and my children…then my nieces and nephews.  He married my sister to her husband.  He married me to MY LATE HUSBAND.  He BURIED my mother and was there for her to the end.  He conducted the memorial service for MY LATE HUSBAND.  He married my brother to HIS wife.  Needless to say, this man has been a HUGE part of our lives and I feel so lost without him.  I am crying now about it.  I guess I have to grieve the loss of him as my spiritual guide.

So part of this morning’s message was about how through suffering, we get closer to God and being Christ-like.  In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I have MAJOR ISSUES with suffering.  I guess it’s because I witnessed it so closely and it became the basis of my PTSD.  First, I watched the love of my life suffer until he died.  Then, it was my mother gasping and gurgling her last breaths.  It is really challenging for me to believe in a God that would want that for anyone.  Like I said in yesterday’s blog, my Higher Power loves unconditionally and accepts unconditionally.  He/She/It does not expect us to suffer as humans in a messed up world in order for us to be close to Him.

Another case in point: my best friend’s 7 month old granddaughter has a tumor and it is malignant and wrapped around her little baby organs. She may also require bone marrow transplant.  Jesus said: Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. [Matt 19:14][Luke 18:16]

Why should a little baby suffer???

If human suffering is thought of as some kind of bonus pass into Heaven, well then I guess I will get there eventually, but so will a lot of people.

What is the purpose of suffering?  To teach us that we ARE human beings who are frail and fucked up and to purify our souls; to teach us character and perseverance.  My brain will accept that but my heart says “why does it have to be this way?”  I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this. Please comment or use Testimonial link.

Peace, love and blessings to all….

I heard a very good suggestion in the rooms last night (at one of my meetings). Someone shared that their sponsor told them for Step 3, (giving your will and life over to a higher power as you understand it), to write a Want Ad for a Higher Power/God.  I have surrendered to this addiction, meaning I know that it was controlling my life and making it unmanageable, while simultaneously making me insane -literally.  I have now come to believe that my God (as I understand Him), can and has restored me to sanity.  I have actually seen demonstrable examples of this working in my life!  So what do I want to say today?

WANTED:  A God that loves me unconditionally and accepts me for all that I am as I am, even though I will continue to change and grow, and screw up from time to time. [Will discuss “sin” with Him separately].  Must be capable of restoring me to sanity from the hell of active addiction I was living.  Must be capable of anything –answering prayers, miracles too. Must have direct contact with my loved ones who have passed on.  Must be willing and able to forgive me unconditionally.  Must be willing to bring me to Him when I leave this life as well as reunite me with my lost loved ones.  Must know ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE and be willing to teach them to me when I join Him.  Must be willing and able to pull me from the fires of HELL should I end up there – again. Must be willing and able to keep my family safe, secure, healthy and protected; and blessed spiritually and materially if they need it. And should be willing and able to do the same for me.  Must be willing and able to feel my love for Him…her…it.

Okay, so I got a little lost there at the end.  But look at what I am saying —WILLING??? The journey of life is predicated on the concept of free will and I am asking a power greater than myself to surrender to my will?  I need to re-do this ad.  It’s more like a wish than an classified advertisement.  The MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.  Without that, I am nothing anyway.  Love, love, love…all you need is love.  One of my favorite songs is called “Love Street” and one of my favorite movies is Love Actually.  This is because when things went south in my life, as you know from previous blogs that they sometimes did, I could only hold onto one thing and one thing only….my capacity for love.  It was the only thing that I ever liked about myself.  I was like a puppy wanting to be loved and licking everyone’s hands and faces.  (Not a great analogy, but you get the gist).

I also love myself enough to not get suicidal anymore -especially over a false positive UA! Learned a lot there though from a very nice Nurse Practitioner.  People here in our own home state and local towns are stamping and pressing home-made Oxy and mixing it with Fentanyl, and doing the same with pot, and fucking killing people!  The only way to stop them is not to use, not to buy, and dry up their damn businesses!

Back to love though.  I learned to love my life (as a gratitude exercise). I love my family; that’s a given and yes, even the screwed up ones.  Especially I love my children more than anything…they are the reason I go on living.  I love my tub, my job, my car, my clothes, my house.  I love writing and blogging!!! Clearly I love communicating with others!  That’s why I got a Master’s degree in Human Resources. I LOVE MUSIC!!! and MOVIES!  Well, oldies.  What have I forgotten (or avoided)?  Oh yeah.  I am trying to love my body.  Not doing great at though.  I DO LOVE MY HAIR, especially now that my auburn is sporting some blond highlights 🙂  I guess my face is okay, except for the wrinkles around my eyes… but the rest of it… still working on it… will let you know if and when I ever get there.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE???  Please talk to me and let me know; just leave a comment or a testimonial here at this site.  PEACE, ALL MY LOVE, AND HIS BLESSINGS TO ALL WHO READ THIS.

As all people who suffer from the disease of addiction, I have several reservations about my relapse potential. For example, what if I get in an account or cancer type of illness?

Then reality hit closer to home…what if while I was cleaning out and organizing my wallet, I came across one single pill?

Would I take it or flush it?  Habit would have me reaching for and swallowing that thing faster than you can say “screaming addict” but I found it; flushed it; and proved myself strong enough to deal with it.

Then another issue came up.  A UA showed results that could not possibly be true.  I argued with the med tech and begged to retest.  They said nope, I would have to wait another week.  So my old behavior kicked in and I was in my head —never a good place to be…my ego said “If you’re going to be found guilty, you might as well BE GUILTY.  And a severe and brutal desire to use set in all over me.  I decided to use my DBT 3-D skills to delay my reaction, distracted myself with internet research on what can cause a false positive, and ultimately, decided not to relapse and lose my recovery.  I continued my research and have found whole lists of medications that can cause false positives for:

• LSD
• Amphetamines
• PCP
• Methadone
• Methamphetamine, and yes
• Opiates

So now that I am armed with the right answers, I do not have to feel shamed by these “medical professionals” and will continue in my clean time with the armor of knowledge necessary to allow me to stand up for myself.  I have been looking into changing my prescribed nighttime routine and eliminating medications (like tricyclic antidepressants and antipsychotics) to free myself of the stigma associated with taking these meds as well as the barrage of therapy sessions I am required to attend.  I would like to just have to take one thing if any, and do one therapist locally every week, rather than having to drive to Santa Fe for group and individual therapy, plus the doctor’s appointment.  It’s all getting to be too much.

I don’t know if anyone even reads these blogs, but I can assure you that I feel much better when I walk into the rooms and breathe the air of total acceptance and unconditional love.  I receive a warm greeting and a hug from each person there as well as inquiry about my life and my feelings.  I check in with each one and myself.  I said that my mantra these days is “awareness is not a wardrobe change” and I am seeing a demonstrable difference in perspective as I take direct action and change my own behaviors in concert with “living the program”, applying the spiritual principles, and working on my steps.  Now, with 116 days clean, I can finish off my Step Two and feel good about the community service I am providing as a volunteer for an enormous gymnastics meet/event.  I volunteered to be the announcer who provides the results and awards the winners…it’s a fun job!

I may be diagnosed as Bi-Polar 2, with PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Clinical Depression, but I refuse to let these labels define me! I am still falling in love as directed.  I was told by my shrink to fall in love with my life.  Now, in addition to the material aspects of it, such as being in love with my garden tub and bubble baths, my king-sized Tempur Pedic bed, my job (this was challenging), my clothing, my hairstyle…I have been able to take on falling in love with my body (most difficult of all), my freedom from active addiction (along with the freedom to do whatever else I want instead), and in love with my program of recovery -over which I desire control.  I love the part of myself that has NO EXPECTATIONS of myself! I only dissociate now when something is too painful, but I know how to bring myself back to the moment to sit with my feelings and survive them.

I am helping myself to help others, and helping others to help myself…or something like that.  My check in about the positive UA result is this: the test was dirty, degrading, and damaging.  Those are 3 Ds I choose NOT to respond to.

Overall, I am trying my best to stay clean and be happy; to surrender each day, to choose not to pick up; to be filled with gratitude, and to let my Higher Power be in control.  Peace, love and blessings to all who read this post.