Reservations for One

As all people who suffer from the disease of addiction, I have several reservations about my relapse potential. For example, what if I get in an account or cancer type of illness?

Then reality hit closer to home…what if while I was cleaning out and organizing my wallet, I came across one single pill?

Would I take it or flush it?  Habit would have me reaching for and swallowing that thing faster than you can say “screaming addict” but I found it; flushed it; and proved myself strong enough to deal with it.

Then another issue came up.  A UA showed results that could not possibly be true.  I argued with the med tech and begged to retest.  They said nope, I would have to wait another week.  So my old behavior kicked in and I was in my head —never a good place to be…my ego said “If you’re going to be found guilty, you might as well BE GUILTY.  And a severe and brutal desire to use set in all over me.  I decided to use my DBT 3-D skills to delay my reaction, distracted myself with internet research on what can cause a false positive, and ultimately, decided not to relapse and lose my recovery.  I continued my research and have found whole lists of medications that can cause false positives for:

  • LSD
  • Amphetamines
  • PCP
  • Methadone
  • Methamphetamine, and yes
  • Opiates

So now that I am armed with the right answers, I do not have to feel shamed by these “medical professionals” and will continue in my clean time with the armor of knowledge necessary to allow me to stand up for myself.  I have been looking into changing my prescribed nighttime routine and eliminating medications (like tricyclic antidepressants and antipsychotics) to free myself of the stigma associated with taking these meds as well as the barrage of therapy sessions I am required to attend.  I would like to just have to take one thing if any, and do one therapist locally every week, rather than having to drive to Santa Fe for group and individual therapy, plus the doctor’s appointment.  It’s all getting to be too much.

I don’t know if anyone even reads these blogs, but I can assure you that I feel much better when I walk into the rooms and breathe the air of total acceptance and unconditional love.  I receive a warm greeting and a hug from each person there as well as inquiry about my life and my feelings.  I check in with each one and myself.  I said that my mantra these days is “awareness is not a wardrobe change” and I am seeing a demonstrable difference in perspective as I take direct action and change my own behaviors in concert with “living the program”, applying the spiritual principles, and working on my steps.  Now, with 116 days clean, I can finish off my Step Two and feel good about the community service I am providing as a volunteer for an enormous gymnastics meet/event.  I volunteered to be the announcer who provides the results and awards the winners…it’s a fun job!

I may be diagnosed as Bi-Polar 2, with PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Clinical Depression, but I refuse to let these labels define me! I am still falling in love as directed.  I was told by my shrink to fall in love with my life.  Now, in addition to the material aspects of it, such as being in love with my garden tub and bubble baths, my king-sized Tempur Pedic bed, my job (this was challenging), my clothing, my hairstyle…I have been able to take on falling in love with my body (most difficult of all), my freedom from active addiction (along with the freedom to do whatever else I want instead), and in love with my program of recovery -over which I desire control.  I love the part of myself that has NO EXPECTATIONS of myself! I only dissociate now when something is too painful, but I know how to bring myself back to the moment to sit with my feelings and survive them.

I am helping myself to help others, and helping others to help myself…or something like that.  My check in about the positive UA result is this: the test was dirty, degrading, and damaging.  Those are 3 Ds I choose NOT to respond to.

Overall, I am trying my best to stay clean and be happy; to surrender each day, to choose not to pick up; to be filled with gratitude, and to let my Higher Power be in control.  Peace, love and blessings to all who read this post.

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