I am trying so hard to connect with and define what my Higher Power is, but I am struggling…other than the realization that I can see why newcomers to the NA program oftentimes refer to the program itself or meetings as a Higher Power. It’s because you get two things out of it consistently and unconditionally — LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. What do we normally equate those two things with? God.
Backstory: I was baptized and raised a Catholic until around 14 years old. Thanks to a fanatical Catholic godmother, I am a recovering Catholic. My mother’s tribal teachings of faith in the Creator, our ancestors, the four directions, combined with a mad variety of metaphysics and encouragement to explore the journey, led me to a mixture of beliefs atop a Christian foundation. (And yes, I still believe in UFOs, alien civilization influence over the ancients, psychic phenomena, astral projection, the Loch Ness monster, Bigfoot Indian guard, and the theory of Atlantis. Oh yeah –and string theory and time travel.
Basically, I think a lot of things are possible. My God, my Creator can do miracles or nothing, plus anything else in between. So why have I remained partly closed off? I think my fear is steering this car. I am afraid to let myself feel close to Him.
The fear is letting myself feel all the guilt and shame of my sins in active addiction.
Time to move on.
Tonight I will pray for grace and forgiveness…and THANK HIM FOR ALL MY BLESSINGS AS WELL AS MY TRIBULATIONS.