My Choice

There are so many things that I have woken up to in my life each day of continued sobriety. Today will mark my 97th day clean.  I realize that I have changed in my attitude toward my program of recovery.  I am starting to get comfortable being back in my life and having the freedom from addiction to make my own choices (as I simply couldn’t three months ago when I was on my knees and ready to commit suicide).  I choose:

  1. To stay clean just one more day
  2. To hold down my job responsibly and act like a grown up and not my age of maturity in addiction
  3. To set boundaries, yes even be a Boundary Bitch to not allow others to walk all over me or take advantage of my kindness, generosity and willingness.
  4. To continue working the steps of my program -NA and encourage other addicts to join me in recovery
  5. To continue blogging my feelings about recovery, inviting others to freely share on this site, then to learn to podcast and get moving on my dream
  6. To pay my bills, turn my life around financially and start a real plan for retirement.
  7. To continue my path of service work and not let anyone discourage me from it.
  8. To sit with my feelings, and try to understand what is driving them, feel them, acknowledge how they affect my body, then let them pass –like a guard at the gate, and
  9. To continue trying to understand my body and what it is feeling and why.
  10. Finally, I choose to be grateful for everything in my life and thank my Higher Power for providing it all; sometimes with impeccable timing.

My favorite new quote is this: [yes, you may quote me]

“AWARENESS is NOT a wardrobe change, and UNIQUE is NOT a clothing store for my EGO!!!”

I am no different than any other addict…I told the same lies, broke the same trust, hurt the same types of people; family; loved ones…My justification for using was only different in the wording –“I’m NOT an addict; I need these drugs for medical reasons; for psychological reasons! I have PTSD due to the loss of my husband and mother! I can’t grieve–I just can’t!  At least I don’t shoot up! I am NOT a tecata!”

While the underlying reasons may be true, I don’t use drugs anymore and I don’t need them.  NOT TODAY.  I pray, not EVER.  We’re all the same and that is so good because that is how you drew me into the rooms and how you will continue to do so, and hopefully, how I will draw others in too, with my experience, strength and hope.

Sometimes, the best medicine, is sitting around in a room, drinking coffee, and sharing stories with each other of how we came to be free today -how we made the choice to NOT use, just for today.  When I do this, and I hear other people tell me about the hell that was their lives, through laughter, and sometimes tears, I get a little more clarity…a little more encouragement…and a hope so deep in me, that it’s possible that thirty years from now, or twenty, or ten, or even a year from now, someone will ask me to be a guest speaker…because I know… IT WORKS.

Peace, Love and Blessings….


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