I heard a very good suggestion in the rooms last night (at one of my meetings). Someone shared that their sponsor told them for Step 3, (giving your will and life over to a higher power as you understand it), to write a Want Ad for a Higher Power/God. I have surrendered to this addiction, meaning I know that it was controlling my life and making it unmanageable, while simultaneously making me insane -literally. I have now come to believe that my God (as I understand Him), can and has restored me to sanity. I have actually seen demonstrable examples of this working in my life! So what do I want to say today?
WANTED: A God that loves me unconditionally and accepts me for all that I am as I am, even though I will continue to change and grow, and screw up from time to time. [Will discuss “sin” with Him separately]. Must be capable of restoring me to sanity from the hell of active addiction I was living. Must be capable of anything –answering prayers, miracles too. Must have direct contact with my loved ones who have passed on. Must be willing and able to forgive me unconditionally. Must be willing to bring me to Him when I leave this life as well as reunite me with my lost loved ones. Must know ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE and be willing to teach them to me when I join Him. Must be willing and able to pull me from the fires of HELL should I end up there – again. Must be willing and able to keep my family safe, secure, healthy and protected; and blessed spiritually and materially if they need it. And should be willing and able to do the same for me. Must be willing and able to feel my love for Him…her…it.
Okay, so I got a little lost there at the end. But look at what I am saying —WILLING??? The journey of life is predicated on the concept of free will and I am asking a power greater than myself to surrender to my will? I need to re-do this ad. It’s more like a wish than an classified advertisement. The MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. Without that, I am nothing anyway. Love, love, love…all you need is love. One of my favorite songs is called “Love Street” and one of my favorite movies is Love Actually. This is because when things went south in my life, as you know from previous blogs that they sometimes did, I could only hold onto one thing and one thing only….my capacity for love. It was the only thing that I ever liked about myself. I was like a puppy wanting to be loved and licking everyone’s hands and faces. (Not a great analogy, but you get the gist).
I also love myself enough to not get suicidal anymore -especially over a false positive UA! Learned a lot there though from a very nice Nurse Practitioner. People here in our own home state and local towns are stamping and pressing home-made Oxy and mixing it with Fentanyl, and doing the same with pot, and fucking killing people! The only way to stop them is not to use, not to buy, and dry up their damn businesses!
Back to love though. I learned to love my life (as a gratitude exercise). I love my family; that’s a given and yes, even the screwed up ones. Especially I love my children more than anything…they are the reason I go on living. I love my tub, my job, my car, my clothes, my house. I love writing and blogging!!! Clearly I love communicating with others! That’s why I got a Master’s degree in Human Resources. I LOVE MUSIC!!! and MOVIES! Well, oldies. What have I forgotten (or avoided)? Oh yeah. I am trying to love my body. Not doing great at though. I DO LOVE MY HAIR, especially now that my auburn is sporting some blond highlights 🙂 I guess my face is okay, except for the wrinkles around my eyes… but the rest of it… still working on it… will let you know if and when I ever get there.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE??? Please talk to me and let me know; just leave a comment or a testimonial here at this site. PEACE, ALL MY LOVE, AND HIS BLESSINGS TO ALL WHO READ THIS.
NMRecoveryHOPE 