I like the word “escapades;” I love that I always had a word to use to describe my extrication from my life. Her name was –is –Vanessa. when things were too painful, or boredom set in allowing for past images to haunt me, I would elope from my life on an escapade. They were, in my mind, adventurous, unsettling and taboo. You see, the more forbidden, the higher the excitement, right? Mine usually culminated in sex. The ultimate climax, was just how much damage I had done to myself (that I thought I had inflicted somehow upon another, such as payback to my austere mother).
I would go to some random, off-the-path watering hole, flirt my ass off with every male (and some of the females) there, then leave with the most unsuitable, unsavory, ill-advised partner, and proceed to have the raunchiest, off-the-charts kinky sex with that person, (sometimes more than one and sometimes both genders), while role playing a character from several in my repertoire the entire time. I will introduce you to my “characters” later.
One night started with a dare for “baby oil Twister.” I have never forgotten some of the details –others I blocked out; although I was wasted on cocaine, alcohol and pot. That cocktail only made me more uninhibited and limber. I was physically up for anything that night. I was also the unwitting star of the fantasy of two male colleagues. We played Twister and they got me pretty high.
Once you are too far in to say no, or stop, you realize it will become part of a bizarre collection of experiences in your youth, and all you can do is try to get through it the best you can. The coke was a rush, and the alcohol just got me to let my hair down farther. The pot was intended to chill me so that I would be so relaxed that I could command my lithe body to assume any position…and it did. Unfortunately, the pot also made me introspective and hyper-analytical –as pot can. Like I said, it was too late to turn back or stop either of the men who had sandwiched me between them.
So what is my point about these types of sexcapades? Now that I am clean and sober, and thirty years older than I was when this occurred, I have to process these memories and their accompanying feelings of disgust and shame. But also, I still have this tendency as an acting out behavior. Yes, I am on way to 60. Yes, I have changed significantly in terms of my looks. I have my own style now. Not just fashion, but self-awareness, self-confidence, and the faint fragrance of self-esteem. I cannot say honestly that I love myself. I hate my body these days. Based on my one example here, this is going to take some time. When I get bored now and feel the itch to act out inappropriately, what do I do?
I turn to two inappropriate relationships I am involved in: One who is too old for me and who has to hide me from his daughter -who is a completely judgmental bitch; the other is a man who is too young for me and is merely a sexual toy. I am aware of this and have had epiphanies on what they both mean to me. But I continue to run; to escape my drama and my trauma. I need to be learning, not leaning. The crutch of a fixation on what is not socially acceptable continues to be an issue for me. I say that it gives me freedom to explore myself at this age; that it’s merely a boost to a waning ego. It’s just an excuse.
The truth is, I don’t have the motivation or the patience to do the work for finding a meaningful and healthy relationship. I like my freedom. I am set in my ways. I am focused on my recovery. I am unmotivated to date. They are all excuses for the truth…I am afraid of rejection.
Wow, that was a long way around for a short answer. I continue to blog honestly here because it keeps me accountable. Would I love to fall in love again? Of course (perish the thought, but it terrifies me too). Am I ready? After nearly 13 years? Hell yes. Am I willing to work at finding someone? Uh…unh-uh. I have an online dating account. But I never seem to find the time or the inclination to work with it. What’s holding me back?
Still working on that.
Peace, love and blessings to all who read here; please share….
NMRecoveryHOPE 