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I found a draft of a blog post from August and left it included way below in orange text, just so I could contrast that to the check in I am going to do for you now.  How do I feel?  Great!!!  I have SO MUCH TO DO and SO LITTLE TIME AS ALWAYS, BUT THE DIFFERENCE???  THE freaking, liberating DIFFERNCE NOW?  I don’t worry about the end game anymore.  What I mean is, whatever I get done is what’s supposed to happen.  I have finally learned to trust in my Higher Power and give it all over to Him each day.  So when I start to feel overwhelmed, and believe me, I STILL DO at times, I just remind myself to give it up.

For example, ’tis the season.  That means office parties during the day and in the evening and friends and family functions too.  I have to host the office ones meaning from scheduling and setup to take down and cleanup, but that takes a lot of time and effort.  I end up neglecting more important tasks.  I need to finish the finances, work on the HR-ER documentation package, continue enrolling in school (FAFSA forms, etc.); ALL of which are MORE IMPORTANT than wasting my days working on these parties.  But it has happen and it brings happiness to my colleagues, so the Cinderella work (as I call it) must go on.

Right now I have to get back to those three top priorities I just listed so, I stay calm and get done as much as I can.

IN THE WORDS OF MY HEROINE SCARLETT O’HARA…”After all…tomorrow IS another day.”

Peace, love and blessings to all and you can read the below draft from last August to see the BEFORE, now that you have read, THE AFTER….

Well it has been a long tough week. Monday night I got stuck in a construction stop not even a half mile from home. After 15 minutes went by, I texted my friend in the program who also attends this NA meeting I was going to. She, however, decided that she did not want to wait an extra 15 to 20 minutes for me. So, we ended up canceling the meeting. Tuesday, every thing was on track to attend my home group. However, one of the people who I have said can be selfish, said she could not get a ride to the meeting. She asked if someone would come pick her up about 25 miles away or so. I decided I was not going to do that. So, myself and the other guy that goes to the home group meeting had a meeting of Just The Two Of Us. Then Wednesday I took a break from it all and took a long hot bubble bath. Thursday, I had to go to my appointment at The Recovery Center. The blood test they had drawn on me for some reason unbeknownst to me came back positive for the craziest drugs. I tried to explain to the doctor that it was impossible for me to have taken any of those things, and she called me a liar and said that I needed to stop lying to her and lying to myself. I was so upset, because you cannot prove a negative, that I called my therapist. She said she would talk to the doctor. Then I called my sister. She pointed out to me that this doctor calling me a liar was triggering me. So I went home and took another bubble bath. Then Friday, which is supposed to be my day off, I had to go finish my appointment of testing from hell to complete my neuropsychological evaluation. I was so glad to finish it, and looking forward to having the doctor write a report which would close my fitness-for-duty. I took my time driving home, and did not speed on purpose. When I got through most of the construction I sped up because I felt like I had to pee. Then I remembered another construction was coming, so I started to slow down but not in time. A State Trooper pulled me over and gave me a very large ticket. I texted my friend in the program who also attends this meeting. She, however, decided that she did not want to wait an extra 15 to 20 minutes for me. So, we ended up counseling the meeting. Tuesday, everything was on track to attend my home group. However, one of the people who I have said can be selfish, said she could not get a ride to the meeting. She asked if someone would come pick her up about 25 mi away or so. I decided I was not going to do that. So, myself and other guy that goes to the home group meeting had a meeting of just the two of us. Then Wednesday I took a break from it all in took a long hot bubble bath. Thursday, I had to go to my appointment at the recovery Center. The blood test Bay had drawn on me for some reason on beat to me came back positive for the craziest drugs. I tried to explain to the doctor that it was impossible for me to have taken any of those things, and she called me a liar and said that I needed to stop lying to her and lying to myself. I was so upset, because you cannot prove a negative, that I called my therapist. She said she would talk to the doctor. Then I called my sister. She pointed out to me that this doctor calling me a liar was trigger me. So I went home and took another bubble bath. Then Friday, which is supposed to be my day off, I had to go finish my appointment of testing from hell to complete my neuro psychological evaluation. I was so glad to finish it, and looking forward to having the doctor write a report which would close my fitness for Duty. I took my time driving home, and did not feed on purpose. When I got through most of the construction I fed up because I felt like I had to pee. Then I remembered another construction was coming, so I started to slow down and not in time. Estate trooper pulled me over and gave me a very large ticket.

It has been too long since I blogged and I have known it every day, but all I can say is that I have been busy learning life lessons I wish I didn’t.  I started this blog to begin with because I wanted a way to reach other people in recovery or addicts who need to be in recovery from drug addiction.  I heard on the radio today that over 70,000 people died last year from opiate drug overdose (like Fentanyl and Oxycontin).  That is a lot.

Let me say that again…THAT…IS A LOT!!!  My children each have pet causes they are fighting for.  My son who just finished his MS in Medical Physics is now working on his PhD in Medical Physics and has been selected to present a paper he wrote at an international conference in Portugal this month, then another in South Africa in a couple of months.  His cause is cancer –it’s why he got into, and wants to be a doctor of Medical Physics.  I think I have told you that before….He wants to improve radiation technology for cancer patients among other things and today he told me he is riding 34 miles in a bicycle marathon to raise funds for cancer.  All of the money goes to the research and patients.  If you are interested in donating to it, go to this link:

https://runsignup.com/CJKRide

That’s a very worthy cause.  My daughter focuses on injuries in sports and how to catch them sooner and protect athletes from brain damages sustained on the field for example.  She is really dedicated to her work and she has created a partnership between the university she works for and the local hospital to obtain every resource and advantage available for the students.  My cause is still to get to the point where I can create podcasts for recovery and my ultimate dream of having a recovery radio station in my state (New Mexico) which has the highest rate of addiction in the country.

I have been off narcotic medications now for nine and a half months, and, aside from some horrible dental pain, I haven’t missed it at all.  My meeting attendance has dwindled to only one or two a week due to the nightmare that is road construction in my area of the state.  They were supposed to have completed this project at the end of July and now they say it will be another three weeks at least.  What worries me in conjunction with the opiate abuse problem, is just how many people are driving under the influence through these construction areas, as well as every place else.  I believe this to be true because they had to publish an announcement that they were going to tighten the zones further because of dangerous and reckless driving that is going on.  Evidently people are going the wrong way, passing on double yellow lines and using the turn lane of the middle of the highway to pass, and speeding like crazy.  There have already been some horrific accidents and countless near misses.  It’s enough to keep you off the road altogether!

I had to take a look at my own irresponsible driving over the past several months and I learned that what I was doing was NOT really about my own impatience or the stress of making doctor’s appointment after doctor’s appointment off the Hill on time.  I decided (in therapy) what it was really about was a subconscious risk-taking to replace the high that addiction had fed me.  So now, not only do I talk to myself out loud about other stuff, I find I am having conversations with myself (actually lecturing myself like my late mother would have) to slow down whenever I notice I am going too fast.  I am relying heavily on my cruise control too.  It would be ludicrous to have gone through the hell and joy of surviving and overcoming drug addiction as bad as mine, just to end up dead on the side of the road and possibly harm others too.

As addicts we learn a lot more about our active addiction behaviors in recovery than others who have spent a lifetime in analysis.  Addicts are selfish and obsessed.  But just because we get clean, does not mean these behaviors automatically abate.  It’s important for me to say this, because in as much as I have become self-aware of my own selfish or obsessive behaviors and tried to correct them whenever possible, I have interacted with other addicts who have not.  Some are on the journey like me and trying to be better people every day, and others are just the same as they were in active addiction.  I bring this up because I had hoped that  a couple of them I know would change.  One person in particular is aware of my need to please and takes full advantage of my generosity to the point that I have had to set a boundary of avoidance.  This person asked to come to my home for “fellowship” then asked to use my bathroom.  Once in there, she began to look through all of my things and asked if she could have them.  It started with one bottle of perfume, then progressed to several, then to my clothes, some of which I had not even worn yet.  She had also asked me to loan her money and told me a sob story and that she would repay me within a week.  That was over a month ago.  Recently, she texted me to ask for more.  I told her NO.  She has two sets of parents, a significant other and his parents to help her.  The odd thing is that she admitted to me before that she knows she is selfish.  This is not an excuse.  I hope that in my own recovery I do not take advantage of anyone like that ever again.

Just to let it go.  That’s the lesson.  Don’t hold onto the anger, the annoyance, the impatience, whatever it is…I just keep trying to let it all go.

One way I can help is by allowing others to guest post articles on my page.  To this end, the following is an article written by blogger Kimberly Hayes.  I will also try to post it THROUGH the website too.

Peace love and blessings to all until next time….

What Is Alternative Addiction Treatment, and Is It Right for You?

It’s an unfortunate reality that more people are suffering from addiction, whether it’s alcohol, opioids, or other substances. As people are also seeking treatment, the options for recovery are no longer limited to the traditional 12-step model.

Alternative therapies for addiction can include mindfulness meditation and exercise programs, such as swimming and yoga. These therapies provide a solution for many people who don’t respond to the traditional model, or who simply need a little extra help preventing relapse in recovery. They don’t come without risk, though, so it’s important to look at your unique circumstances before choosing any addiction treatment program.

The Science of Addiction

Some people still debate whether addiction is a disease or a choice, but scientists agree that there is a biological component to substance abuse disorder. As explained in the Harvard Health Blog, brain science explains how someone with substance abuse disorder has a deficit to the part of the brain that controls executive function, or our ability to make choices. This deficit means it isn’t simply a matter of choosing to stop using. Someone who has substance abuse disorder receives signals from their brain that using drugs is associated with pleasure, while the lack of the substance is associated with stress.

How Alternative Treatments Help

The science behind addiction means that treatment has to break this cycle of pleasure/stress signals associated with substance use. While traditional addiction treatment can help, alternative therapies that help you manage stress and replace that “reward” to your brain with a healthier habit can do even more to break this cycle.

Exercise – One of the best healthy habits for overall mental well-being is exercise. Getting your heart rate up releases endorphins, which are the chemicals in your brain that reduce stress and make you feel happy. Because of how addiction affects your brain, finding ways to manage stress and get that “high” feeling in a good way is essential to recovery.

To maximize the mental/physical benefits of exercise, try activities that are naturally relaxing and have a meditative component like yoga or swimming. Many people who are in recovery find that yoga is a form of movement that connects mind, body, and spirit, which helps them reconnect with themselves while lowering stress and anxiety.

Meditation – Experiencing stress and negative events can be a reality of life for everyone, so for someone recovering from addiction, learning how to handle negative experiences without substances is a critical tool for recovery. Learning mindfulness through meditation helps you become more aware of your feelings, accepting them without judgment and detaching from them. This practice of owning your experiences and working through them, rather than reaching for a quick fix to escape them, helps maintain recovery long-term. According to The Fix, mindfulness also helps people in recovery understand that whatever is causing pain has an end, and it also helps you develop patience and perspective.

Alternative Medical Practices – Other alternative addiction treatments include complementary and alternative medical practices, such as acupuncture, hypnotherapy and therapeutic touch. For some people, acupuncture can make withdrawal symptoms less severe, while therapeutic touch can be effective at preventing relapse. Acupuncture and other alternative medical therapies have not been widely studied, so they’re best to use along with other treatment, rather than as a single approach.

Who Should Avoid Alternative Treatment?

One of the most important components of traditional rehab treatment programs is the support. Having professional support, as well as a group of people who have shared experiences, is crucial for long-term recovery. Alternative treatment approaches such as exercise and mindfulness are more individual, so it can be risky to use these treatments without also having professional support.

That doesn’t mean you can’t use alternative therapies along with professional help. In fact, when used as part of a traditional treatment program, alternative therapies are safe and boost your long-term success.

Photo credit: Pixabay

Fourth Step in the program is often shared about in the rooms, but usually in a fear or dread or frustration based way. It requires courage and honesty and patience. You have to get into the mindset that you will start as far back as you can truly recall and work from that point forward, listing all the people who you are holding resentments against and why. You have to be raw honest with yourself (and later your sponsor, in order to identify the role you played in creating these issues. There’s so much more to the Step, but I think it’s the most important and difficult one because I never realized how many people I held onto resentment for even after many years and without resolution. I keep re-reading what I have written so far, and the pages go on for eternity, but I have not finished (or forgotten). I know how therapeutic and cathartic this experience has been so far as I have been able to let go of so many things finally.

But it’s painful all the same. It’s like the 3 hour root canal I have had. Even trying to block out the sound of drill after drill…one sounded like someone dragging their nails down a blackboard and another like a jackhammer! I squirmed in the astronaut chair, I drooled to the point where I almost choked. I dug my fingernails so deep into my palms that I left marks, and I stared at the ceiling so long that I memorized every inch of dust. But I know this was necessary to my dental health and success…and that’s why I am willing to return so he can do it again for another few hours (because he says he didn’t finish drilling and finding all the roots that are calcified). Imagine my surprise and dismay.

I will struggle through the the smell of burning teeth (yeah! There was smoke rising out of my mouth!)

I will struggle on through because I HAVE TO in order to get well and I will spend the night praying for the throbbing to stop and the courage to return to that sadistic place (who would ENJOY doing that to people every day?).

Peace, love, and healthy teeth and personal inventories to all….

I feel like I have drowned in the sea of Dis Appointment and Dat Appointment. I kid you not, it has been doctor appointments one after another for the last ten weeks and I am so burned out on it with no real answer and sick to death of paying medical bills!

To add insult to injury they’re doing construction on the main road out of my town and traffic is a freaking nightmare. So… what did I do?

I went camping in the mountains around me instead. It’s hilarious to try camping at my age unless it’s in a camper, trailer, or a Holiday inn! Like some old Lucille Ball comedy. I was freezing so bad the first night, not dressed nearly warm enough and not enough blankets and I had to wiggle my way off and on the air mattress as it slowly deflated beneath my body.

Then I had to get up and go into the freezing pitch black every hour to pee. I couldn’t see without a flashlight and my cellphone was dead after trying for hours to get a signal and oh yeah… I tripped and almost face planted into the fire pit scraping my hands and knees….

Went home the next day and took a long bubble bath, packed more clothes and blankets and bought snacks and went back for more. I still froze outside in the night but as grungy as I got, I returned home the following day, sunburned and covered with bug bites but strangely peaceful.

Anything is better than the sea of (dis) Appointments.

I feel unhappy about missing meetings and like my recovery program is off track, but in nature I seem to forget about all my stress and worries.

I may even try it again -camping. Next time, I won’t even freak out when a cow comes through and mistake it for a bear.

Peace, Love and blessings on your summer excursions.

Yes, I was gang molested at 9, and have survived more rapes, incest, and 2 abortions. I have survived 2 suicide attempts, the deaths of my beloved husband and mother, aunt and 2 uncles. I have even survived her continuously bullying me at work. Now I have survived a slew of a medical battery of tests. I’m not through yet. I must suddenly deal with it –a possible new relationship with a co-worker who is going through a nasty divorce. I like him and its clear that he is attracted to me. He is a brilliant and funny man who suffers from dwarfism. I gained so much weight that I don’t understand how he could be interested in my body. I am nervous about our first date tonight.

I know I will survive whatever happens but will I be led to relapse through alcohol (not my Drug of Choice). Will i lose my clean time which is coming up on ten months in order to drive away my fears and inhibitions to get intimate with this man who I am crazy about? Or will I continue to stick to my program of recovery and survive? I have learned how to get along on my own.

If I can park, repress, compartmentalize my bi-polar and PTSD, perhaps I can have a normal date with this guy and survive my libido and sexual promises.

Please pray that I can be strong enough to survive the night and all that I explore with him. I will update you later. Talked to my sponsor and not much help.

Peace, love and blessings to all of you….