Up the Down Steps

Fourth Step in the program is often shared about in the rooms, but usually in a fear or dread or frustration based way. It requires courage and honesty and patience. You have to get into the mindset that you will start as far back as you can truly recall and work from that point forward, listing all the people who you are holding resentments against and why. You have to be raw honest with yourself (and later your sponsor, in order to identify the role you played in creating these issues. There’s so much more to the Step, but I think it’s the most important and difficult one because I never realized how many people I held onto resentment for even after many years and without resolution. I keep re-reading what I have written so far, and the pages go on for eternity, but I have not finished (or forgotten). I know how therapeutic and cathartic this experience has been so far as I have been able to let go of so many things finally.

But it’s painful all the same. It’s like the 3 hour root canal I have had. Even trying to block out the sound of drill after drill…one sounded like someone dragging their nails down a blackboard and another like a jackhammer! I squirmed in the astronaut chair, I drooled to the point where I almost choked. I dug my fingernails so deep into my palms that I left marks, and I stared at the ceiling so long that I memorized every inch of dust. But I know this was necessary to my dental health and success…and that’s why I am willing to return so he can do it again for another few hours (because he says he didn’t finish drilling and finding all the roots that are calcified). Imagine my surprise and dismay.

I will struggle through the the smell of burning teeth (yeah! There was smoke rising out of my mouth!)

I will struggle on through because I HAVE TO in order to get well and I will spend the night praying for the throbbing to stop and the courage to return to that sadistic place (who would ENJOY doing that to people every day?).

Peace, love, and healthy teeth and personal inventories to all….

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