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Wow…the holidays just flew by this year!  I really enjoyed them– all triggers and cravings aside–but in sobriety I feel scared and aware at the same time…time is going by so much faster in my life as I get older.  It’s sad that I have such memory problems too.  I am left concerned that my memory will never fully restore itself, so I plan to try out the exercises I am finding to increase memory.  I am having to re-read things a lot too, but in the case of my Step work, this is probably a good thing.  Going back and reviewing myself in the work I did in Step one, I am focused on the perspective that in my active addiction my judgment was impaired…now that I have been clean for 63 days, I am practicing non-judgment of anything.  I felt so raw and vulnerable in the first thirty days.  As I attended my meetings, and went to my therapy, and did some service work, and threw myself into journaling, blogging, and step work writing, I became more confident about my recovery.

Now I fear I am becoming complacent or too comfortable, as I am not making the same effort to drive 40 miles each way every night to get to the rooms.  What I hear in the rooms is invaluable to me, but I feel tired and lazy. If I were to actively practice a Cost-Benefit Analysis, it would become glaringly obvious that I should make the trip–no excuses.  Since I am not feeling well enough to do so, I have challenged myself to spend several hours working on Step 2.  It’s clear I am avoiding the whole spiritual principles issue.  I didn’t make it to church yesterday and I am having difficulty defining a Higher Power that is exclusive to my feelings, ideas and beliefs, as a dually-diagnosed addict in recovery. I read the literature on the Triangle of Obsession: Resentment (from reacting to our past -which we must turn into acceptance); anger (how we deal with the present -which we must turn into love); and fear (when we think about the future -which we must turn into FAITH). I truly feel that I tuned out my HP because I didn’t want to feel anything.  So instead, for now, I can focus on the fact that my HP allows me to be clean another day; I do NOT have to “pick up” and can be grateful I am no longer STUCK in my active addiction and grief.

In fear of relapse, I will focus on inner motivation.  I like to write.  I need to relax. I CAN DO THIS.  Stepwork, DBT workbook exercises, bubble bath…here I come.

Peace, Love and Blessings in this New Year -may it be beautiful for us all.

Wow. 60 days clean…Holy Cow!  It went by so fast!  I wonder if it always will.  I have learned so much about myself –and so much from the rooms!  Every time I listen to a share, I think “what could I possibly hear that I haven’t already heard?”  That’s my self-centered ego of addiction talking…and then to my surprise, someone always says something that impacts me in a rather profound manner.  And I think to myself again, (negative self-talk), “you idiot…remember the first step you just completed?  Honesty, willingness…and OPEN MINDEDNESS!”  And in a heartbeat, I am right back where I started…looking for answers, trying to understand myself and my addiction, and trying to cope better with it all.

Today in my DBT Skills for Bi-Polar Disorder workbook, I learned about the skill of mindfulness.  And I practiced!  I really did!  I went to the store, and on my way, I tried to stay in the present moment of my driving first…anytime I noticed my mind wandering, I gently tried to bring it back to focusing –just on my driving.  Then when I got to the auto store, I focused on getting some anti-brake-squealing spray for my rotors.  Then I went to the second hand store and looked for a couple of tops/sweaters, and it was easy to get distracted in there, BELIEVE ME.  I found myself thinking about past styles I wore, and my bank balance, and alternate internet shopping sites, and jewelry, and on and on.  But I managed to just walk out with one attractive used sweater in good condition for a low price.  Mission accomplished!

Now, my goal is to go to my meeting tonight in Santa Fe and get my 60-day keytag; being mindful of my driving…and then mindful of the sharing in the meeting.  The author is right, it isn’t an easy thing to do…it takes practice –LOTS of practice; because you’re retraining your brain NOT to wander into the garden of ideas, or into the past painful memories, which bring up painful emotions, which trigger us into manic or depressive episodes.  I think I finally understand WHY I dissociated for so long…and WHY I still do at times.  I have to learn to be comfortable in my body with my mind there at the same time.  I have to feel that it is a safe and comfortable place to be.  So I have been using my bath time to practice this.  I make a huge garden tub full of the steamiest hottest water I can stand, then add bath salts and nice smelling bubble bath to it.  Then I get in and LUXURIATE (slow boil) for about a half hour to forty-five minutes, all the while washing myself and telling myself that it feels great to my body and that’s okay (which it does and which it is).  I am also doing this with my morning meditation time, using basic yoga, combined with simple and gentle stretching and breathwork.

So I still have so much to learn, and the journey is off and running…I wonder what I will learn next?  I will try to feel mindfulness in my driving, and cleaning the house next.  Practicing these skills before the New Year starts.  What are YOU doing for the New Year? Peace, love, and blessings.

I am just a few days shy of my 60-day key tag as I head into the New Year.  What still surprises me is just how prevalent this addiction is in New Mexico, compared to the rest of the nation, and then –just how predominantly addicted we are as a nation compared to other nations in the world.  I watched a really interesting TED Talk today with Johann Hari, author of the critically-acclaimed best-selling novel “Chasing the Scream,” ended his story by emphatically stating: “The opposite of addiction is NOT SOBRIETY…the opposite of addiction is CONNECTION.”  I have no desire to be “terminally unique and fatally cool”  –I would rather simply be seeking a connection to others in the world, not just my family -but obviously them, but also to another addict; to a perfect stranger; to a possible new best friend -OR EVEN A LOVE INTEREST!

The point is that I want to connect to it all; to every conceivable connection available to me on this planet.  It’s kind of like what Burt Bacharach and the Carpenters and others were singing about back in the day when I was growing up, as well as John Lennon.  “All you need is love,” “What the World needs now IS Love,” and my favorite of these is a song called “All Kinds of People.”  I won’t quote all the lyrics for you here -you can google them later.  I can just sum it up with the last line: “…all kinds of people should reach out –and help one another,”

Maybe the younger generations would find this cheesy, but not addicts.  No matter what age you are now, (oh and by the way I was once told that you are emotionally the age you were when you took your first drug, which makes me stuck at fourteen), if you are in the program and working the steps, you know that the whole point of service work and of the program itself is to get involved in doing for others rather than for ourselves (which was our old addiction behavior).  Mind you I am not preaching here, just stating how I feel today, from watching that TED Talk, and wanting to read Hari’s book, which I know is about seeing addiction in a whole new way.  I WANT to CONNECT.  And I shall.

Peace, love and blessings -reach out and hug someone!

I am starting to look around my world as I examine myself through the introspective exercises that Step work brings.  I see so much horror in the world…any so many addicts still suffering in silence…and the tears of their children.  My daughter and I shared a rare conversation last night in real space.  She described to me what I appeared like and how I behaved when I was high on drugs –and the PAIN that caused her, AND my son, AND the rest of my family.  We discussed, very frankly, how oblivious I was in the selfish bubble that is my disease of addiction.  I thought, if my amazing children came out of that whole mess relatively unscathed, how blessed am I!

It will take me a lifetime -or what’s left of mine, to make amends to them all.  Then I think about those still suffering; the poor innocent children that are caught in the crossfire.  What horrors have they seen?  Do they or will they ever have the opportunity to tell their addict loved one how they feel?  What they’ve seen?  How they survived it?  Will they grow up and perpetuate the cycle of addiction?  Who will be there for them? How do we count the tears and soothe each one?  This candid discussion I shared with my (now grown) child last night, was a treasured moment in time that I will freeze into my memory now…hearing her words, seeing the pain in her eyes and wondering how she will ever heal from that pain…and wondering about the same with my son.

Just for today, I am sooo grateful that my children survived my active addiction, and I will shower them with my love and gratitude as we get into the Christmas spirit together and go spend time with our extended family.  Love and blessings and peace to all who are with their families today in awe and wonder of their children, as I am of mine.

I said last night that I am so ready to change and so into my recovery, and I hear shares that reflect back to me, and then I realize that change does not happen overnight. I learned something important about myself today. I have always dissociated to escape my trauma and pain. Even sober I am continuing to dissociate to stay out of my body, and I see areas besides drugs where my dissociative behaviors continue. I know now that this will not change quickly. It will take me time and practice learning how to be in my body again comfortably. I first have to learn that it’s safe to be there.  It was revealed to me that I have not been in my body for decades and I have not been clean and sober for Christmas and New year’s Eve for over many decades. Wow. What powerful insights I have been given! I look forward to service work, and opportunities to grow and change in my recovery.

Just for today, I plan to be open to the journey, willing to change, yet mindful of the patience I will need with my PTSD and Bi-polar diseases. Please share how you feel about changing while in Recovery or in general about anything. peace, love and blessings… remember the best gift we can give is our clean selves to share experience with our loved ones, and make new memories.