Wow…the holidays just flew by this year! I really enjoyed them– all triggers and cravings aside–but in sobriety I feel scared and aware at the same time…time is going by so much faster in my life as I get older. It’s sad that I have such memory problems too. I am left concerned that my memory will never fully restore itself, so I plan to try out the exercises I am finding to increase memory. I am having to re-read things a lot too, but in the case of my Step work, this is probably a good thing. Going back and reviewing myself in the work I did in Step one, I am focused on the perspective that in my active addiction my judgment was impaired…now that I have been clean for 63 days, I am practicing non-judgment of anything. I felt so raw and vulnerable in the first thirty days. As I attended my meetings, and went to my therapy, and did some service work, and threw myself into journaling, blogging, and step work writing, I became more confident about my recovery.
Now I fear I am becoming complacent or too comfortable, as I am not making the same effort to drive 40 miles each way every night to get to the rooms. What I hear in the rooms is invaluable to me, but I feel tired and lazy. If I were to actively practice a Cost-Benefit Analysis, it would become glaringly obvious that I should make the trip–no excuses. Since I am not feeling well enough to do so, I have challenged myself to spend several hours working on Step 2. It’s clear I am avoiding the whole spiritual principles issue. I didn’t make it to church yesterday and I am having difficulty defining a Higher Power that is exclusive to my feelings, ideas and beliefs, as a dually-diagnosed addict in recovery. I read the literature on the Triangle of Obsession: Resentment (from reacting to our past -which we must turn into acceptance); anger (how we deal with the present -which we must turn into love); and fear (when we think about the future -which we must turn into FAITH). I truly feel that I tuned out my HP because I didn’t want to feel anything. So instead, for now, I can focus on the fact that my HP allows me to be clean another day; I do NOT have to “pick up” and can be grateful I am no longer STUCK in my active addiction and grief.
In fear of relapse, I will focus on inner motivation. I like to write. I need to relax. I CAN DO THIS. Stepwork, DBT workbook exercises, bubble bath…here I come.
Peace, Love and Blessings in this New Year -may it be beautiful for us all.