Damage to Our Spirituality

It’s funny how whenever I read Just for Today, it is ALWAYS RIGHT ON TARGET for what I am personally feeling and experiencing.  Yesterday’s talked about how “the greatest damage done to us by our addiction was the damage done to our spirituality.”  The reason that is so coincidental is because I am working on Step 2 in my NA workbook, which is about connection to a higher power or “came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  I know that I have been running from Him; avoiding dealing with my own spirituality; and I know why.

I still need to heal and reconcile some shame issues.  I need to talk to Him, and give over those feelings of guilt and shame, and seek His forgiveness and grace; so I can ask for the ability to “…[seek] through prayer and meditation to improve [my] conscious contact with God as [I] [understand] Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for [me] and the power to carry that out. This is the 11th step, but it applies to what I feel I must accomplish now.  So I started talking to Him again this morning.  I prayed on my way to work and tried to feel His Spirit moving in me.  I asked for the same things I always ask for in prayer –to please keep my family and loved ones safe, secure, healthy and protected; to bless them richly in spirituality/faith, and to help them financially.  Maybe that is why I have been avoiding…now that I am sober 66 days I realize that maybe that prayer is too materialistic and inappropriate -but in the past I have always believed that you can ask for pretty much anything you need in prayer.  It’s not just about the morning prayer sounding rote; I need to spend more time in meditation where I am truly focused and mindful to be in those moments with the God of my understanding.  I need to be praising, singing, thanking -grateful, worshiping in my own way and on my own terms.  This takes time (to be alone) and practice (to stay focused).  Just for today, I will make time to spend with my HP until I feel His spirit overcoming me.  I will try to remember that especially on the bad days; where I am craving pain relief; (like yesterday) to turn to Him for help!  Also to thank Him that I did not use to feel better like I did in the old days/ways.

Tonight, I will go to my Home Group meeting and focus on the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE in the rooms –not just the unconditional love I receive from other addicts, but also my ability to share MY LOVE with other addicts.  I will look each one in the eye without shame since I am no longer stuck in active addiction, and can be truly proud of THAT.  I can review in my mind on the way down, the past 66 days, and even the month prior to my bottom; my breakdown, where I can see images of my ugly behavior in active addiction and obsessive compulsion to get/stay high, and the ensuing total depression, which eventually led to suicidal ideation.  Thank GOD I AM NOT THERE ANYMORE!!!  I have the freedom that sobriety in the NA program really gives me and that feels great. 

Peace, love and blessings to all.  It is a beautiful day.