As Seen Through the Eyes of a Child

I am starting to look around my world as I examine myself through the introspective exercises that Step work brings.  I see so much horror in the world…any so many addicts still suffering in silence…and the tears of their children.  My daughter and I shared a rare conversation last night in real space.  She described to me what I appeared like and how I behaved when I was high on drugs –and the PAIN that caused her, AND my son, AND the rest of my family.  We discussed, very frankly, how oblivious I was in the selfish bubble that is my disease of addiction.  I thought, if my amazing children came out of that whole mess relatively unscathed, how blessed am I!

It will take me a lifetime -or what’s left of mine, to make amends to them all.  Then I think about those still suffering; the poor innocent children that are caught in the crossfire.  What horrors have they seen?  Do they or will they ever have the opportunity to tell their addict loved one how they feel?  What they’ve seen?  How they survived it?  Will they grow up and perpetuate the cycle of addiction?  Who will be there for them? How do we count the tears and soothe each one?  This candid discussion I shared with my (now grown) child last night, was a treasured moment in time that I will freeze into my memory now…hearing her words, seeing the pain in her eyes and wondering how she will ever heal from that pain…and wondering about the same with my son.

Just for today, I am sooo grateful that my children survived my active addiction, and I will shower them with my love and gratitude as we get into the Christmas spirit together and go spend time with our extended family.  Love and blessings and peace to all who are with their families today in awe and wonder of their children, as I am of mine.

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