Category: Uncategorized

Wow. What a trip! (Literally and figuratively).  I think I can safely say that it was both a successful trip and a fun trip!  The easiest thing to do would be to lay it out for you as I did in my journal (and this will feed into my recovery program).  My sponsor called me while I was there the first night and marginally freaking out, so her timing was good.  Here’s how it went, but let me FIRST state that I took a break from all calls, email, blogging from Tuesday through Friday (May 1 – May 4):

My Adventures in San Francisco

Flew Albuquerque to Phoenix and my BFF met me at the Sky Harbor airport since she lives there and I went outside with her and we chatted for thirty minutes.  Great visit however brief and I ran to catch my connecting flight which was on final boarding.  Her granddaughter who is a baby of ten months has cancer and the news there was not good, so…prayers please from those of you who do, otherwise positive thoughts!

Arrived Frisco airport and struggled to get luggage (remember I told you I thought I overpacked?  I totally did) to rental car desk, then to car itself (chose a small Ford SUV thingy which had a lot of power!).  Bought a phone charger for the car at the desk (these people are smart -smarter than this unprepared traveler was).  The Mapquest lady pissed me off as she kept changing the route and the traffic was a nightmare!

Checked into the Marriott Marquis, a Russian woman checked me in –Godshot or message from my babe (who was Russian-American)?  Trader Joe’s across the street and an empty refrigerator in my room (hey we all can’t afford room service at a place like that).  Went shopping at the Ross next door (it was cold and windy and this idiot thought “California? Warm and sunny!”), so in searching for a light jacket or sweater I found a sweet, gold Michael Kors windbreaker/light raincoat for an excellent price. I figured that would be my one purchase treat for the trip, and boy did it come in handy!  I wore it the whole time!!!

Best thing about that hotel was that the bed was amazingly comfortable and soft and I didn’t want to get out of it!  I went to the Concierge desk to ask directions to the Mall that my late husband had taken me to on our honeymoon and ended up sharing the story with Judy.  She later sent a 3-tiered box of chocolates, dried fruits and nuts to my room with the sweetest hand-written card of encouragement for me to get closure.  The healing had already begun.  (She must have told the others because EVERYONE THERE took GREAT CARE OF ME!).  More later on how.  I was feeling sad but didn’t want to be triggered so I found the nearest NA meeting and took a taxi to it and back (Uber would have been cheaper, but it was a last minute decision to make it there on time).  I got to the meeting even ten minutes early and the chairperson was a wonderful transgender named Gail who asked me to be her guest speaker -and I accepted and led the meeting.  I met amazing people in the rooms just like at home.  Reminder that everyone has a different story but the same problem which unites us all.  I chose “trust” as a topic.

Found my way back and located a Starbuck’s around the corner for the next morning’s coffee. Went to my Project Management class and the teacher was pretty phenomenal.  She made the course interesting and fun, which is not always easy with that topic.  Having been a teacher myself, I brought something special to it too I think.  I think I drew the students out more.  Hopefully I wasn’t too annoying as a participant.  Thursday night I went to the mall and just window shopped at the Norstrom’s.  The memory is that he (my spouse) took me there and bought me a new formal dress, sent me to get my hair done there and then took me by limousine to see Phantom of the Opera at a local theater.  The music is something we loved together.  I still have the dress (but it doesn’t fit sadly).  Later after the show he had taken me out for a nice dinner but I couldn’t remember where –I think it was Chinatown, so I just decided to treat myself to a very nice dinner at a steakhouse called John’s.  Excellent food -especially the grilled prawns, the hollandaise (which I can make myself) and the fresh-baked sourdough bread.  I walked a lot after dinner and watched the people, the homeless (so many), the crazies (even more), and the street performers (one Michael Jackson impersonator was awesome!).  It felt good to be alive and grateful for my many blessings.

Friday Judy got me a nice late checkout so after class I could take my luggage to the bell stand and leave it there until the class ended at 4:30.  Instead though, I told the bell captain that I wanted to go to the Wharf and asked him to get my vehicle.  He said not to that it was unsafe and for me to leave my luggage and vehicle with them (no additional charges!), and to take the cablecar for experience.  I walked several blocks and bought my tickets and rode all the way down to the wharf and then just went exploring like a regular tourist –in a sea full of people –tourists, locals, performers.  I found the restaurant that I think we went to back then.  I decided to keep going and bought myself an overpriced long-sleeved shirt that says San Francisco Fisherman’s Wharf on it.  Then I saw a tie-dyed sweatshirt that I liked even better and bought that too, along with a little toy cablecar for my office.  I treated myself to an even fancier dinner at a restaurant right on the bay, where I could sit by the windows and watch the sunset over the Golden Gate Bridge.  Afterwards, the wind picked up and it got really cold!  I am glad I bought the shirt and the hoodie as I put them both on standing in line for the cablecar back and realizing how late it was and worrying about getting back, getting my stuff and car and getting across town to a hotel by the airport!

Oh and to make things even more exciting, my cell phone died just after I got to the Wharf.  But I met some really cool people riding the cablecar.  Anyway, when I got back, a new guy helped me charge my phone at the concierge desk until I had enough battery to go (28%).  Made my way with relative ease and speed to the hotel airport.  My BFF had bought me an extra night to allow me to run down to Monterey and get my final closure there.  Unfortunately, I must have been exhausted because the next thing I know, someone is banging on the hotel room door saying it’s past checkout time and I guess I overslept.  Rather than being disappointed, I took it as a sign that it was not meant to happen, took my time to get to the airport.

I flew back through Las Vegas.  Decided I wanted to smoke, and went to the lounge for smoking which of course has slot machines.  Now I was naughty.  I put $20 in the machine while smoking and hit a jackpot for $151!  I cashed it out, and decided to have one more.  So I put in another $20.  Hit another jackpot for $88!  Decided not to press my luck, cashed out and went to wait for my flight.  Did puzzles all the way home, drove home from the airport and got home late.  Unpacked everything and decided to take a long, long, hot bubble bath.  Went to bed at 2 in the morning.  Only bad thing was I lost an item on the plane from Las Vegas to Albuquerque.  Oh well.

The craziest part of this, was that I was looking for some kind of a sign that I had closure.  I said I went to wait for my last flight.  Something caught my stare.  A young man who was definitely a doppleganger for my late husband only younger.  I couldn’t stop staring and I certainly couldn’t breathe.  I just sat there, exhaling loudly and staring at this young man.  My mind was saying “no, really?” and my heart was saying – thank you my love and goodbye.  I am crying now as I write this last part, but really –the WHOLE THING was a HEALING EXPERIENCE IN LETTING GO.  He would have loved every part of this trip.

Peace, love and blessings….

I am packed and ready to go on my trip. I am excited about the opportunity to learn project management, the opportunity to go to a meeting in San Francisco, the possibility of a job offer to get back in my career field, and possibly better salary. I am nervous and excited about exploring the Bay area on my own.

At first I really felt like I wanted someone to share the experience with, but now I am ready and willing to go it alone. I probably overpacked. I am probably not going to be able to sleep much tonight. I can’t stop thinking about my greatest moment of fantasy — and reality. My greatest moment was slow dancing on the beach in the moonlight. I plan to make this happen again… only THIS TIME, I will likely be alone.

I am grateful for my love. I am grateful for the night we spent slow dancing on Zuma Beach. I am grateful for this trip and the chance to go to the beach in Monterey while there is a fullish moon out.

I am grateful for my clean time and my recovery…and for all those who read this blog post and can FEEL my excitement and anticipation.

I am grateful for those that I love and for those who have loved me. I am grateful that at my age I still fantasize and have a strong libido, and that I have only improved at making love.

My point is that this trip will remind me why I am still here and still waiting and wanting to love.

And that is what will allow me to let go of the past and its triggers of grief.

Closure… it’s not the front clasp of my bra. (Kidding)

Peace, love and Marvin Gaye, Donna Summer, Herb Alpert… well, you know.

Some of my followers/readers have had questions or perhaps judgments about my blog content, as I have been very transparent and open about my issues and recovery.  Let me reiterate that as I am now SIX MONTHS CLEAN, I am also discovering new things about myself through the Step Work and trying to practice honesty, openmindedness and willingness in all areas of my life.

I don’t have a perfect program.  Nobody does and anyone who states so is lying.  Perfection is just another facade we chase like the scream.  I have been widowed nearly thirteen years.  I have explored several relationships over the years, but they have always failed.  If you have read my background on these blogs, you can probably understand why better than I can.

Right now I am open to trying new things and changing my behavior patterns.  I am trying to become a better person each day, but that does NOT mean that I am free of temptation by any means.  I still have cravings.  I still get triggered.  I am about to give you an example and it is a BIG one for me.

I have asked my boss for four years to allow me to take a class in project management as it is part of my job description.  As you know, I work with a woman who bullies me and tries to control my work life.  I finally convinced him to approve this by printing out copies of my current job description, along with a copy of the next level of classification higher than mine.  I pointed out to him that although all the other employees have been reclassified quickly through their position classifications, I have been the same for nearly a decade with no opportunity to advance.  As a result, he saw that the very first job skill for my current position IS PROJECT MANAGEMENT SKILLS.  He finally acquiesced and approved my travel to take this course (3 days).  The class is in SAN FRANCISCO at the MARRIOTT MARQUIS.  It runs during the memorial anniversary of my late husband’s death.

I have not been to San Francisco since my honeymoon, when my late husband and I spent our honeymoon at the MARRIOTT MARQUIS.  This WILL BE A TRIGGER FOR ME.

I had invited my best friend to go with me and she originally committed to do so, so we agreed we would stay an extra night and take the next day to go do something fun instead of me feeling sad.  Unfortunately, her  baby granddaughter who is only 9 months old now, was diagnosed right after we made the reservation (she was 7 months then) with cancer.  A large tumor is wrapped around this baby’s kidney and liver and pancreas.  She had to have bone marrow biopsies and chemotherapy immediately, so, of course, my friend had to cancel going with me on this trip.

I NEED to take this trip for several reasons.  I NEED to LET GO OF THE PAST ONCE AND FOR ALL.  I am not saying that my grief won’t be triggered, it WILL.  But I am now ready to let it all go and try to see this experience in a new and different and positive way.  I need to GROW from this trip.  I am preparing myself for what to do if I DO feel triggered and trapped; how to deal….

As I shared with a guest speaker in a meeting last night, there is a false sense of celebrity associated with “old-timers” as presented to the newcomers.  Just because you stay clean for 6 months, a year, five years, twenty years or whatever, does not mean that you are CURED of the DISEASE of ADDICTION.  We continue to face down this challenge and ALL THE OTHER  challenges of our past EVERY DAY of our lives.  We may not be sitting around jonesing and worrying about how to get our next fix anymore, but those behaviors of worrying about the next stressful thing, and the ghost of cravings past, will always be waiting in the parking lot to take us down.

I am starting to explore my new spirituality (learning about New Thought), my sexuality, and my identity as an ex-junkie.  It is a harsh reality to say that about myself, but true.  I am not afraid to confront the voices, break down the beliefs, explore new relationships.  Whatever happens, I intend to practice the mindfulness that I need to stay in the present and not dissociate from it.

The past will fade to black as I let it go.

Peace, love and blessings to all on the journey….

I also didn’t blog what really happened inside my head.  I heard several voices, as I do, and they are all MY VOICES, but in different tones and accents.  The child, is Tristesse who is five, sometimes seven years old; she speaks only in french; wears pigtails.  She was SCREAMING and CRYING “arrete!” (“STOP!”); Vanessa was yelling “you f***ing idiot” and Ariana who is a librarian was snapping “ENOUGH ALREADY –ENOUGH.”

Message received, and as I said, I stepped back, maybe too far back, but far enough to BREATHE.  I WILL hit 6 months this coming week and I WILL celebrate it and return to a now-modified schedule, as I try to get my vehicle back on track.

Back to the subject.  The psychiatrist thinks that if I hear voices (even though they are my own), I should be on medication.  I told him to shove his medication.  He was not pleased, but yielded to MY position.  I am doing fine on my own and have a therapist to sort my issues out with (so the voices would go away), but it makes for interesting theater sexually.

I am enjoying exploring my own 50 shades of grey, and will determine if pain equals pleasure or punishment does or what.  I also have an outlet for provocative Vanessa to go out and play, perhaps even get into trouble.  I needed to be cautious with her behavior.  Ariana, who is the hyper-conservative, old-school morality, sophisticated and sagacious one, makes for an intriguing character in the bedroom.

I am fueling my sexual freedom in a safe environment.  I know there will be a cost or consequences for my actions, however, I am accountable and unafraid to push this at this time.  If I am ever to be truly free of the past, now is the time for me to let it all go and discover another piece to the puzzle; another shard of glass which will reflect if there is harm to be healed or just an unknown avenue of investigation and analysis.

Now.  I know the best way to start is to allow Vanessa to take over and probe; as I know that Ariana has done the reconnaissance work.  They put Tristesse in the time out corner for awhile.

First dinner, then TV, then sex.  How typical. BUT…there is a NEW guy in town; he makes this game more interesting.

I will share the results with you later if you want to know. I am putting the grief work aside long enough to enjoy something.

Peace, love, blessings, and have fun…

It happened again.  It happens periodically; too often in fact.  I wind up with my head swimming and my world spinning and I just want to get the f*ck off!  I realized that I had over-committed myself —again.  When will I ever learn to use the POWER of the word NO?  I get a meeting started, I take on every person coming into recovery that is foisted my way; give them rides to and from meetings (75 miles round trip, 2 to 3 times a week), plus they offer for me to give rides home to people who live in f***ing Santa Fe!!!  I am not kidding…one night I had six people in my car, not by my own doing.  Well, actually it is.

I have such a hard time saying no (I don’t like being taken advantage of but my behavior would indicate otherwise).  Even when I said it loudest and longest it didn’t matter or stop someone from taking advantage of or hurting me.  It’s a people-pleasing thing that we, as addicts, do.  It’s also got to do with being a victim too I imagine.  But in order for me to get the therapy to break it all down and change this behavior, I NEED TIME.  TIME FOR SELF-CARE AND MINDFULNESS.  I even got away from my morning yoga and meditation; I had a constant state of fear that I was running out of time –for EVERYTHING.  Finally, a voice in my head -among many others, screamed “STOP!” No more rides, no more favors and re-prioritize your work life!  You see, I was also having to run back and forth on the 75-mile trip to a hotel where I was setting up a “sequestered event.”

I started to realize just how much I was allowing others to use me.  One of my brothers in the program, even asks for rides to and from his apartment which is three blocks from the meeting!  Another, she asks me to cart her around to her convenience, always making excuses for why she cannot meet at a location that is easier for me to get to in traffic, or why I need to give her a ride home from our local meeting so she “doesn’t have to ask her mom or her brother to come get here.”  What am I, a f**king TAXI???  Am I the UBER of the program without pay???  These people are also the types who will dominate a meeting –never caring about using up someone else’s potential share time.  To top it all off:  TWO SPEEDING TICKETS IN THREE WEEKS -BOTH EN ROUTE TO NA MEETINGS!!! TOTAL: $180 + $91 = $271!!!

Now.  Do I sound ANGRY?  YOU BET I AM.  I am angry that I haven’t got the stones to tell these people NO.  It’s a horrible trigger of so many other events where I didn’t stand up and fight for myself.  So, I took a step back.  I haven’t been to a meeting in over a week.  I plan to attend one in Santa Fe tomorrow night.  I have already texted them that I cannot take them to it.  The answer I received?  Am I going tonight?  It’s a guilt trick.  It always works on me.  My MOTHER WAS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS SO MY BAGS ARE ALWAYS PACKED.

I need to go ALONE, SEPARATELY from them and SHARE.  More to the point, I need to reclaim control of my life and place it back where it belongs, with my HP.  I NEED TO SLOW THE F*CK DOWN.  As a result, I ended up in a full blown panic attack…I thought my head and my heart were going to explode.  I went to see my therapist, then the Occupational Medicine Head of Psychiatry –who by the way are both amazing women that I respect.  I told my psychiatrist (a man I went to high school with who is younger than me, patronizes me about my age and tries to bully me to weigh in front of him, yeah right) that the voices in my head were telling me to slow down or die.  His reaction?  You need to be on another medication.  Mine?  No way.

Anyway, my point is that when I make time for self-care and follow a routine that is manageable for me, my life works and I am able to practice mindfulness.  When I can no longer do this due to so many other commitments in my life that I feel the weight and the pressure of obligations, then I am about to crack and my life does NOT work.  There is a balance (or chi) that I must strike, but as I am an addict in recovery, couple with being a diagnosed Bi-Polar, then I handle things in extremes.  It is time for me to return to the study and practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, as those skills were actually helping me to process my feelings and sit with them; check IN with my body, myself and acknowledge my physical issues of the moment, and leave it all out in my yoga and meditation (or sharing at meetings).

I am striving to strike this balance.  For now, I have agreed with my selves to cut back on the meetings and the driving.  I have to STICK UP for MY FEELINGS and ACKNOWLEDGE MYSELF AND MY RECOVERY FIRST, the way it was six months ago when I got out.

Wish me luck.  More later…peace, love and blessings.