I also didn’t blog what really happened inside my head. I heard several voices, as I do, and they are all MY VOICES, but in different tones and accents. The child, is Tristesse who is five, sometimes seven years old; she speaks only in french; wears pigtails. She was SCREAMING and CRYING “arrete!” (“STOP!”); Vanessa was yelling “you f***ing idiot” and Ariana who is a librarian was snapping “ENOUGH ALREADY –ENOUGH.”
Message received, and as I said, I stepped back, maybe too far back, but far enough to BREATHE. I WILL hit 6 months this coming week and I WILL celebrate it and return to a now-modified schedule, as I try to get my vehicle back on track.
Back to the subject. The psychiatrist thinks that if I hear voices (even though they are my own), I should be on medication. I told him to shove his medication. He was not pleased, but yielded to MY position. I am doing fine on my own and have a therapist to sort my issues out with (so the voices would go away), but it makes for interesting theater sexually.
I am enjoying exploring my own 50 shades of grey, and will determine if pain equals pleasure or punishment does or what. I also have an outlet for provocative Vanessa to go out and play, perhaps even get into trouble. I needed to be cautious with her behavior. Ariana, who is the hyper-conservative, old-school morality, sophisticated and sagacious one, makes for an intriguing character in the bedroom.
I am fueling my sexual freedom in a safe environment. I know there will be a cost or consequences for my actions, however, I am accountable and unafraid to push this at this time. If I am ever to be truly free of the past, now is the time for me to let it all go and discover another piece to the puzzle; another shard of glass which will reflect if there is harm to be healed or just an unknown avenue of investigation and analysis.
Now. I know the best way to start is to allow Vanessa to take over and probe; as I know that Ariana has done the reconnaissance work. They put Tristesse in the time out corner for awhile.
First dinner, then TV, then sex. How typical. BUT…there is a NEW guy in town; he makes this game more interesting.
I will share the results with you later if you want to know. I am putting the grief work aside long enough to enjoy something.
Peace, love, blessings, and have fun…
NMRecoveryHOPE 