…And the GIRLS Say:…

I also didn’t blog what really happened inside my head.  I heard several voices, as I do, and they are all MY VOICES, but in different tones and accents.  The child, is Tristesse who is five, sometimes seven years old; she speaks only in french; wears pigtails.  She was SCREAMING and CRYING “arrete!” (“STOP!”); Vanessa was yelling “you f***ing idiot” and Ariana who is a librarian was snapping “ENOUGH ALREADY –ENOUGH.”

Message received, and as I said, I stepped back, maybe too far back, but far enough to BREATHE.  I WILL hit 6 months this coming week and I WILL celebrate it and return to a now-modified schedule, as I try to get my vehicle back on track.

Back to the subject.  The psychiatrist thinks that if I hear voices (even though they are my own), I should be on medication.  I told him to shove his medication.  He was not pleased, but yielded to MY position.  I am doing fine on my own and have a therapist to sort my issues out with (so the voices would go away), but it makes for interesting theater sexually.

I am enjoying exploring my own 50 shades of grey, and will determine if pain equals pleasure or punishment does or what.  I also have an outlet for provocative Vanessa to go out and play, perhaps even get into trouble.  I needed to be cautious with her behavior.  Ariana, who is the hyper-conservative, old-school morality, sophisticated and sagacious one, makes for an intriguing character in the bedroom.

I am fueling my sexual freedom in a safe environment.  I know there will be a cost or consequences for my actions, however, I am accountable and unafraid to push this at this time.  If I am ever to be truly free of the past, now is the time for me to let it all go and discover another piece to the puzzle; another shard of glass which will reflect if there is harm to be healed or just an unknown avenue of investigation and analysis.

Now.  I know the best way to start is to allow Vanessa to take over and probe; as I know that Ariana has done the reconnaissance work.  They put Tristesse in the time out corner for awhile.

First dinner, then TV, then sex.  How typical. BUT…there is a NEW guy in town; he makes this game more interesting.

I will share the results with you later if you want to know. I am putting the grief work aside long enough to enjoy something.

Peace, love, blessings, and have fun…

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