Facing The Past

Some of my followers/readers have had questions or perhaps judgments about my blog content, as I have been very transparent and open about my issues and recovery.  Let me reiterate that as I am now SIX MONTHS CLEAN, I am also discovering new things about myself through the Step Work and trying to practice honesty, openmindedness and willingness in all areas of my life.

I don’t have a perfect program.  Nobody does and anyone who states so is lying.  Perfection is just another facade we chase like the scream.  I have been widowed nearly thirteen years.  I have explored several relationships over the years, but they have always failed.  If you have read my background on these blogs, you can probably understand why better than I can.

Right now I am open to trying new things and changing my behavior patterns.  I am trying to become a better person each day, but that does NOT mean that I am free of temptation by any means.  I still have cravings.  I still get triggered.  I am about to give you an example and it is a BIG one for me.

I have asked my boss for four years to allow me to take a class in project management as it is part of my job description.  As you know, I work with a woman who bullies me and tries to control my work life.  I finally convinced him to approve this by printing out copies of my current job description, along with a copy of the next level of classification higher than mine.  I pointed out to him that although all the other employees have been reclassified quickly through their position classifications, I have been the same for nearly a decade with no opportunity to advance.  As a result, he saw that the very first job skill for my current position IS PROJECT MANAGEMENT SKILLS.  He finally acquiesced and approved my travel to take this course (3 days).  The class is in SAN FRANCISCO at the MARRIOTT MARQUIS.  It runs during the memorial anniversary of my late husband’s death.

I have not been to San Francisco since my honeymoon, when my late husband and I spent our honeymoon at the MARRIOTT MARQUIS.  This WILL BE A TRIGGER FOR ME.

I had invited my best friend to go with me and she originally committed to do so, so we agreed we would stay an extra night and take the next day to go do something fun instead of me feeling sad.  Unfortunately, her  baby granddaughter who is only 9 months old now, was diagnosed right after we made the reservation (she was 7 months then) with cancer.  A large tumor is wrapped around this baby’s kidney and liver and pancreas.  She had to have bone marrow biopsies and chemotherapy immediately, so, of course, my friend had to cancel going with me on this trip.

I NEED to take this trip for several reasons.  I NEED to LET GO OF THE PAST ONCE AND FOR ALL.  I am not saying that my grief won’t be triggered, it WILL.  But I am now ready to let it all go and try to see this experience in a new and different and positive way.  I need to GROW from this trip.  I am preparing myself for what to do if I DO feel triggered and trapped; how to deal….

As I shared with a guest speaker in a meeting last night, there is a false sense of celebrity associated with “old-timers” as presented to the newcomers.  Just because you stay clean for 6 months, a year, five years, twenty years or whatever, does not mean that you are CURED of the DISEASE of ADDICTION.  We continue to face down this challenge and ALL THE OTHER  challenges of our past EVERY DAY of our lives.  We may not be sitting around jonesing and worrying about how to get our next fix anymore, but those behaviors of worrying about the next stressful thing, and the ghost of cravings past, will always be waiting in the parking lot to take us down.

I am starting to explore my new spirituality (learning about New Thought), my sexuality, and my identity as an ex-junkie.  It is a harsh reality to say that about myself, but true.  I am not afraid to confront the voices, break down the beliefs, explore new relationships.  Whatever happens, I intend to practice the mindfulness that I need to stay in the present and not dissociate from it.

The past will fade to black as I let it go.

Peace, love and blessings to all on the journey….

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