Category: Uncategorized

They say that NA heartbeats are when two addicts get together.  I was outside of Santa Fe when I got a call from a friend in the rooms who said they missed me and invited me to come to the Friday night meeting. The strange thing is that I was thinking about him just a half hour before he called me by some weird coincidence or Godshot.  I heard a lot of good shares on the topic of sponsors and it got me to thinking about mine and how we had fallen out of touch with each other so I found a new sponsor.

It was the push I needed to get me back to working on my steps.    I thought about why we need a sponsor…it’s because we can’t spot self-deception on our own.  Recovery is a journey, not an event.  It takes effort on our part to open up and select a sponsor; someone we can be truly honest with and trust with our secrets.  It is not their job to track us every day and solve all our problems.  They say “an addict alone is in bad company.”  …And if you’re sponsoring yourself, you’ve got an a**hole for a sponsor.  I have been reclusive too much and am out to change that dynamic.

I spent time with my visiting family and my sister’s family this week.  I realize how much I have missed them.  I also realize how much I have missed my meetings off the hill.  I brought my 8-year-old niece over for a girl’s night.  We played with dollies and other toys I bought her; we did hilarious artwork together with markers and crayons and glitter paper.  We painted each other’s nails; straightened mine and then braided each other’s hair.  We played in the makeup.  We even went for a nice walk after dinner.  I love this little girl –precocious and yet innocent and unspoiled by the world.  I will do my best to protect her.

Then today I am going on a picnic with a colleague I have been close friends with for many years.  When I get back, I will work on my steps, then go have dinner with my elder boyfriend.  Sounds like a great start to share with my new sponsor.  I’m sure I will have much to blog about, except we glued fake glitter nails on me and I am having trouble keyboarding as a result.

Peace, love and picnic blessings to all….

How strange it seems that no ridiculous “I-Love-Lucy”-ish experience has befallen me this week, but I am confident something WILL HAPPEN.  I cancelled my root canal (part two) again, still waiting for the infection in the tooth to calm down, plus I have a new mouth trauma –I know you all will totally get this too:

The inside of my cheek is puffy inward (from the infection), so…I bit it hard, accidentally.  What comes next?  You bite it hard AGAIN!  AND IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT!!!  And AGAIN and AGAIN…so that now there is a lovely white sore there.  I would love to say that I am losing weight due to these problems –let’s call it the Dental Nightmare Diet.  Unfortunately, I have not seen any pounds make their exit yet.

Other than that, things have been…quiet.  EXCEPT:  This morning, as I was just getting ready to leave for work, this large plastic storage box that I keep on the desk next to my computer, which contains all the condolence cards from my late husband AND mother’s deaths, and letters of goodbye that I wrote to them, just FLEW OFF THE DESK and HIT THE FLOOR WITH A LOUD THUMP!  It really startled me – more accurately, it unnerved me. 

You see, I believe that those we lose can still contact us from wherever they are if they need to warn us or tell us something.  I know that sounds cheesy to a lot of you, but I have had several experiences as have other members of my family and friends we know, that cannot be explained rationally or scientifically.  So I take heed when the unusual happens.  There was no scientific reason that that storage box full of stuff should have gone off the desk to the floor.  So, I took it as a message and called to check on my mother-in-law, my children and my dad.  My dad did not answer so I am worried a little.

I agreed to go to a meeting off the hill tonight, against my better judgment, to support a home group member who is celebrating one year clean today.  (This is someone I have said that takes advantage of me and others, but I see it as an opportunity to forgive and let go).

∞∞∞∞∞∞

So, my message back to those I love and lost is -yes I will pay attention to my family and be grateful, and I will be forgiving of others and let go of any negativity.

Peace, Love and blessings…and forgiveness.

NA Basic text cautions us about complacency.  Just for Today also warns us about it.  It is so easy to justify skipping a meeting.  I wasn’t feeling good.  I was too tired.  I didn’t have a ride.  My car had problems.  A family member / friend needed my help.  I had a bad day at work. I was not in the mood to be around others.  The excuses can go on forever.  I think we even heard one of our home group members use his dog as an excuse.  We laughed at him…really???  Your dog ate your homework???  I absolutely cannot judge anyone for anything.  I have missed meetings; mostly because I no longer want to drive that distance, and find it expensive in terms of transportation costs and wear and tear on my vehicle (not to mention all the damn speeding tickets I have gotten over the past ten months).

But what happens when you really NEED  a meeting?  The one you usually attend gets cancelled and you don’t have time to get to another one in another city?  I say this:  If you become consciously aware of the fact that you NEED a meeting, then do whatever it takes to get to one –even if you are late.  If you absolutely cannot physically get to a meeting and you KNOW you NEED one, then call a sponsor or a friend and do a SKYPE or phone meeting with the two of you; you can even call forward to add in others.  There are all kinds of ways.  Skype is another, but so is creating a group text.  There are online NA meetings too (although I have not tried this yet, so I can’t speak to how the experience is yet).

It’s important to pay attention to your feelings about your meetings.  Just as it is important to “check-in” with yourself (I know, that expression is really getting overused, but it doesn’t make my point any less valid).  Ask yourself how your day is going according to YOU.  Remind yourself of all the pros of attending a meeting.  You ALWAYS LEAVE A MEETING FEELING BETTER THAN YOU DID BEFORE IT.  You ALWAYS LEAVE A MEETING FEELING UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED AND ACCEPTED.  You ALWAYS GET GOOD HUGS AND AFFECTION.  You ALMOST ALWAYS HEAR SOMETHING WISE OR PROFOUND THAT IMPACTS YOU OR RESONATES WITH THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING AT THE MOMENT.  YOU VIRTUALLY FEEL SATISFIED.

So remember that meetings are an important part of recovery, not just in the beginning, but also in maintaining your recovery for the long-haul.  Also, never forget that YOU ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THE MEETING.  And something YOU say, may be just what another person or especially a newcomer needs to hear.  And that, is worth anything.  After all, what is the point of the NA Steps – to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Peace, love, blessings and happy meetings to all!

Well, it has been a long never-ending tough week.  Last Monday night I got stuck in a construction stop not even a half mile from my home.  After 15 minutes went by, I texted my other home group member that I was stuck and she said she did not want to wait on me so we cancelled our meeting together.  Tuesday, everything was on track for me to attend my home group, but another member texted me she needed a ride because she was stuck 30 miles away.  Poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  I told her I could not pick her up (she can be selfish and demanding and it was time for me to hold my boundaries as I have been running her around for the last nine months).  So just myself and the other guy in our home group had a meeting and it was okay as just the two of us.  Wednesday I took a hot bubble bath and a break from meetings.  Thursday I had to see the Doctor in the IO program for Suboxone.  Somehow the blood test she got back on me said I was positive for all kinds of insane drugs that I swore to her I never touched.  But how do you prove a negative?  I was crying because she called me a liar and said I needed to stop lying to her and to myself.  I have no idea how I could possibly have tested positive for PCP, Cannabis and Methodone!  I told her, wouldn’t I have been all f@#$&d up when you saw me right before the draw???  First I texted my therapist and sponsor.  Then I called my sister who pointed out that the doctor’s false accusations were triggering me and I needed to take care of myself.  So I took another hot bubble bath.

Friday I went to finish my neuro-psychological testing (five more hours).  When I was done, I visited with Dr. and we ended on a high note (I was almost in a happy mood).  I decided to take my time going home.  I drove the speed limit through the northern area and in the construction zone on the bridge on the highway leading home.  Just after, I had to actually pee so I sped up, then remembered all the hardcore construction zones were coming up just around the bend.  Just as I hit the brakes to slow down, out of nowhere, flashing lights.  Result – a 261 dollar ticket!  I was sooooooo mad at myself!!!

Another bubble bath.

Saturday morning I slept in too long but got a call from my bank asking if I had taken a $205 cash withdrawal at an ATM in Oregon an hour earlier….Crap.  Someone has hijacked my debit card number.  Had to cancel the debit card but couldn’t get to the bank to get cash before it closed.  Without cash for the weekend.

Another bubble bath, and then a second to let go of all the stress accumulated over the past week!

So here it was Monday again, and I was really poised to go to a meeting.  I left work at 1PM to get my hair cut and colored (which normally takes an hour and a half).  This time, however, my hair turned BOZO THE CLOWN ORANGE EVERYWHERE!!!

Both the hairstylist and I were freaked out!  First we tried to take the orange out with blond.  After another hour went by, still orange.  Then we tried brown and that helped somewhat.

Well, my bath is getting cold.

Peace, love and blessings…and bubble baths to all 🙂

I found a draft of a blog post from August and left it included way below in orange text, just so I could contrast that to the check in I am going to do for you now.  How do I feel?  Great!!!  I have SO MUCH TO DO and SO LITTLE TIME AS ALWAYS, BUT THE DIFFERENCE???  THE freaking, liberating DIFFERNCE NOW?  I don’t worry about the end game anymore.  What I mean is, whatever I get done is what’s supposed to happen.  I have finally learned to trust in my Higher Power and give it all over to Him each day.  So when I start to feel overwhelmed, and believe me, I STILL DO at times, I just remind myself to give it up.

For example, ’tis the season.  That means office parties during the day and in the evening and friends and family functions too.  I have to host the office ones meaning from scheduling and setup to take down and cleanup, but that takes a lot of time and effort.  I end up neglecting more important tasks.  I need to finish the finances, work on the HR-ER documentation package, continue enrolling in school (FAFSA forms, etc.); ALL of which are MORE IMPORTANT than wasting my days working on these parties.  But it has happen and it brings happiness to my colleagues, so the Cinderella work (as I call it) must go on.

Right now I have to get back to those three top priorities I just listed so, I stay calm and get done as much as I can.

IN THE WORDS OF MY HEROINE SCARLETT O’HARA…”After all…tomorrow IS another day.”

Peace, love and blessings to all and you can read the below draft from last August to see the BEFORE, now that you have read, THE AFTER….

Well it has been a long tough week. Monday night I got stuck in a construction stop not even a half mile from home. After 15 minutes went by, I texted my friend in the program who also attends this NA meeting I was going to. She, however, decided that she did not want to wait an extra 15 to 20 minutes for me. So, we ended up canceling the meeting. Tuesday, every thing was on track to attend my home group. However, one of the people who I have said can be selfish, said she could not get a ride to the meeting. She asked if someone would come pick her up about 25 miles away or so. I decided I was not going to do that. So, myself and the other guy that goes to the home group meeting had a meeting of Just The Two Of Us. Then Wednesday I took a break from it all and took a long hot bubble bath. Thursday, I had to go to my appointment at The Recovery Center. The blood test they had drawn on me for some reason unbeknownst to me came back positive for the craziest drugs. I tried to explain to the doctor that it was impossible for me to have taken any of those things, and she called me a liar and said that I needed to stop lying to her and lying to myself. I was so upset, because you cannot prove a negative, that I called my therapist. She said she would talk to the doctor. Then I called my sister. She pointed out to me that this doctor calling me a liar was triggering me. So I went home and took another bubble bath. Then Friday, which is supposed to be my day off, I had to go finish my appointment of testing from hell to complete my neuropsychological evaluation. I was so glad to finish it, and looking forward to having the doctor write a report which would close my fitness-for-duty. I took my time driving home, and did not speed on purpose. When I got through most of the construction I sped up because I felt like I had to pee. Then I remembered another construction was coming, so I started to slow down but not in time. A State Trooper pulled me over and gave me a very large ticket. I texted my friend in the program who also attends this meeting. She, however, decided that she did not want to wait an extra 15 to 20 minutes for me. So, we ended up counseling the meeting. Tuesday, everything was on track to attend my home group. However, one of the people who I have said can be selfish, said she could not get a ride to the meeting. She asked if someone would come pick her up about 25 mi away or so. I decided I was not going to do that. So, myself and other guy that goes to the home group meeting had a meeting of just the two of us. Then Wednesday I took a break from it all in took a long hot bubble bath. Thursday, I had to go to my appointment at the recovery Center. The blood test Bay had drawn on me for some reason on beat to me came back positive for the craziest drugs. I tried to explain to the doctor that it was impossible for me to have taken any of those things, and she called me a liar and said that I needed to stop lying to her and lying to myself. I was so upset, because you cannot prove a negative, that I called my therapist. She said she would talk to the doctor. Then I called my sister. She pointed out to me that this doctor calling me a liar was trigger me. So I went home and took another bubble bath. Then Friday, which is supposed to be my day off, I had to go finish my appointment of testing from hell to complete my neuro psychological evaluation. I was so glad to finish it, and looking forward to having the doctor write a report which would close my fitness for Duty. I took my time driving home, and did not feed on purpose. When I got through most of the construction I fed up because I felt like I had to pee. Then I remembered another construction was coming, so I started to slow down and not in time. Estate trooper pulled me over and gave me a very large ticket.