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Sorry. It seems I was on a manic high last blog post. I need to stay positive so I will tell you how I managed to make a funny mistake last week. This is what happens when we overload ourselves.

I have been juggling a scenario at work (discrimination and harassment is evidently running rampant), with also trying to complete paperwork from hell to get back into school, along with a (now) comedic delivery process of new furniture for my house, and taking care of my neighbor’s 77-year-old father.

After my home group meeting last Tuesday, I was home alone at night and in bed and kept hearing a thud sound outside my bedroom.

The neighbors and former tenants have been telling me that I have a Peeping Tom outside my house for a while and they all said that my other neighbor (on the other side of my house) has a high functioning autistic son who watches me at night through my windows.

So when I heard the thudding sounds, I thought it must be HIM and went and turned off all the lights in the house first, then went to check. I pressed my nose against the window and “thud” went the nose of a large DOE against the glass in my face!

There were, in fact, about three mule deer in my side yard munching on grass against my house! I jumped about 5 feet from the startle!

I didn’t want the only exercise I get to be jumping to conclusions so… I promptly admitted my error, asked for forgiveness and

Promised never to strip for the deer, or rush to judgment like that again!!!

I need to be reaching for recovery, not ranting about what isn’t working for me.

Peace, love and blessings to all….

As addicts in recovery,we learn about ourselves. That’s what each of the steps in the program of NA are about. We gain inner knowledge as we move forward. We grow… and our recovery belongs to us alone. Nobody can tell you how to live your life in recovery. We will receive guidance along the way, but it is our decision to get clean and STAY clean. I emphasize this… I make a conscious and deliberate choice to stay clean one day, sometimes one hour or one moment at a time.

When I first got clean after 15 or more years of hard core drugging, it was recommended that I go on Suboxone. This was to ease my withdrawal, assist with chronic pain management, curb my craving for drugs, etc. I was also referred to an IOP program at SFRC.

I was told to meet with a therapist once a week in the beginning, and establish ongoing appointments with both her, and the Primary Care Physician on a regular basis. This required me to commute back and forth from the city I live in to Santa Fe, and back again home on a weekly basis. Now, in addition, I was also required to do this in order to meet obligations for work due to a Fitness-For-Duty filed against me by the supervisor. This has been a major part of my life during the past year, and has continually depleted my PTO (Paid Time Off, sick and vacation) leave balances. In addition, I have also had many unsavory experiences at this outpatient Suboxone program. BUT, I HAVE TO SAY THAT THE THERAPIST WAS AMAZING. I DID receive a lot of help from her, and was able to address most of my underlying issues with her.  I would recommend her to anyone.

I am not saying that the outpatient Suboxone programs are not useful, however, in my case they have been more of a hindrance than a help. I have been accused of lying about being clean on many occasions, because the tests they use to check your urine for drugs are not reliable. I have argued with the Primary Care Physician, and in her absence, a “Physician’s Assistant” who also did not believe me when I had positive test results for things I did not use. I got sick and tired and quite fed up frankly of having to defend myself for something I did not do. The Physician’s Assistant told me “you are not allowed to use ANY drugs in recovery and that INCLUDES Over-the-Counter medications.”  This came up because I had been very sick with the flu, and also had an allergic reaction (we think to new laundry detergent) that caused me to break out in hives.  I could not work because the itching was intolerable and the doctor where I live recommended that I take Benadryl, which also helped relieve my congestion and Theraflu which helped my flu symptoms.  This led to a false positive for Fentanyl, Oxycontin and I don’t know what else because she wouldn’t tell me.  Instead, she ordered me to go have a more extensive drug test at the lab and told me to do it immediately.  Even though she was late in seeing me, and even though it was 5:55 p.m., I drove to the nearest lab to try and it was, of course, closed.  I went to another location by the hospital, and it too was closed.  When I did get to the lab in my town and did the test, it required me to fill two separate cups.  I was told that I would be billed for the cost.  I was angry and wrote an email to their “Intake/Billing Specialist” who has no medical training, but is responsible for vital statistics, like getting your UA, taking vital signs (like BP, pulse, oxygen), and giving you a Breathalyzer test for alcohol.  She evidently showed my email to the PA who then instructed her to reply back to me.  She replied to my personal email the same day, even though she had my work email AND MY PHONE NUMBER.  Her reply email basically stated that I “needed to find another provider since I was obviously not happy with the program”  and that the provider had called in a final prescription to my local pharmacy to allow me to have time to secure another provider.  I was never given the results of my extra testing, and was told they had still not received the results back from the laboratory six days later.  I made an unnecessary trip there because the provider was supposedly not there, even though I was scheduled to meet her and took off from work just to do so.

The end result was that I decided I no longer needed to be on Suboxone as a medication, nor did I need to continue with an IOP program. I am very disappointed in this particular organization, because they claim in their Vision or Mission Statement to treat their patients with respect. That has not been the case for me.  I have spoken with many of the patients there in the same IOP who claimed they had similar experiences.  The place is disorganized, the staffing is inadequate, and the treatment is marginal at best.

I plan to continue my sobriety, or staying clean, simply because I made a commitment to do so. My life has changed for the better and this is one more thing I will just give up to my HP to handle.  I am in the process of enrolling in school for another master’s degree, but this time in Addiction Counseling.

If I were to pursue this education, it would cost me close to $30,000. The bottom line is that I am going to go back to school and spending that money out of my own pocket at the same time.  I am also trying to keep the only Narcotics Anonymous meeting there is alive in Los Alamos, so then why would I use?

I don’t want to discourage others from using Suboxone, or from going to an Outpatient therapy program. I am just encouraging you to please first do the research and homework you need in order to make an informed decision for yourself and not let someone tell you how to be in recovery.

We had a discussion about using medications in recovery at our last meeting.  There is an IP (Informational Pamphlet) in NA that addressed this topic and it is continuously discussed at the highest level of the organization.  I think, that it’s an individual choice about what you believe about recovery/sobriety.  After all, isn’t the use of anything potentially harmful if you abuse it???  The point is…I got well and stopped using it –there was no need to continue its use.  I only used it for a couple of days and then it stayed in my system and caused the false positive that led to my dismissal from the IOP.  I want to do better than that.  Once I get my degree and a license, I plan to treat others the best that I can and certainly better than I have been treated along the way.

I feel positive about not needing to take the Suboxone anymore just like I did not need the cold and flu medications anymore.  But what does it mean that I would take OTCs when needed and not take any prescribed narcotics ever again?

I want to know what you think.  Please talk to me.

Peace, love and blessings…to all of you….

I am the happiest that I have been in years… living clean, working my program, and practicing spiritual principles… finally.

I have found a God of my understanding who helps me get through it all — from the daily drudgery, to the really challenging decisions; I can finally just turn it over.

My wish for you this Christmas season is that you can find peace by making peace…in any relationship you have issues with. I know it’s not easy and I struggle with it too myself but the rewards are without parallel.

Stay clean and free and enjoy each moment with those around you for the moment may be gone tomorrow.

Let’s make Peace Love and Blessings tonight while we can.

Merry Christmas in love.

Well I guess I have settled into a new rhythm this year, along with commitments, not resolutions.  I am happy in the place I have gotten to over the past year; happy with the way my recovery continues to progress and happy with the spiritual decision I made to not “own” any of my problems or stress anymore, but to give it all up to my Higher Power so I can live free of those burdens.  HE is controlling the outcome…my mantra?  THY will, NOT MY will, THY WILL…NOT MY will…THY WILL, NOT MY WILL!!!  Whatever is coming my way, is His plan for me.  I refuse to hold onto the angst and negativity and fear anymore.  I will continue to do my best at everything, and stick to my plan of continuing my resolve to be solvent and reaching for a new career dream, but I cannot hold onto any negativity anymore -there is no room in my life for those dramas.

Let’s see how long I can stay committed to this.  I am really believing this is a life change for me and not just a temporary goal.  But you know how we addicts are…we talk a good game, but in the end we can talk ourselves and others in circles and not really achieve the serenity and self-confidence that comes from living a life clean and in recovery where the possibilities seem endless and real.

I think happiness is a choice quite frankly.  We live in a society where it is so easy to complain and be miserable, and you know misery loves company, so it’s easy to spread that misery and contaminate others with our negative attitudes.  I’m not saying that a ray of sun shines out of my ass but I want to make a difference in the world and it want it to be by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others, combined with an education in Addiction Counseling where I can give guidance that actually helps people.  I KNOW that I must sound saccharine but I am trying to be EQUAL! (winkface here).

I plan to use every tool I can that has helped me along with any others I acquire, to continue to improve my life and my recovery.  It’s easy to get lost in pain, and despair – take it from someone who knows.  I was the “Queen of Misery” and even my depression had a depression.

I refuse to ever go back there again.  Yet realistically, I know I could wind up face-down in the gutter tomorrow, wondering how to get to my next connect and from where I would source the funds.  That’s not a way to live, it’s a way to die.  I am through death fixation, it will come for me soon enough, I don’t need to be hoping for it or looking forward to it.

We as a community of addicts who suffer from a terrible disease for which there is not yet a known or established cure, must come together and bring our “A”-game.  Imagine what could happen if all the addicts in New Mexico or the U.S. as a whole came together to map out their SKA’s (Skills/Knowledge/Abilities) in one giant database?  Then, instead of there being an Angie’s List, there would be Addicts’ List – the most expansive resource location on the internet.  Talk about a connect!  Whoa.  And as addicts were trying to rebuild their lives in recovery, some could offer to barter their skills with others.  For example, in addition to offering Skype or in-person counseling, I could help someone write an excellent resume, and in exchange, they could pull the weeds in my front yard, or help me change my oil.

Think about it.  Just imagine what we can do together, in addition to “stay clean and recover.”

Let me know what you think about it.

Peace, love and blessings to all….

Update to my previous blog post – total snowfall from the last storm came to 27 inches!!! I am blessed and grateful to have wonderful neighbors, who literally DUG ME OUT today over the course of three hours! I decided to make a run for groceries, since I missed my IOP appointment in Santa Fe (due to the bad weather) and the doctor would not prescribe my Suboxone without seeing me first.  I was thus rescheduled for an appointment next week and will have to make it without on my own until then.  There are withdrawal type feelings, but I am able to manage anyway.  As I said in a previous post or two, I don’t intend to be on this program forever anyway.

I will have to upload the pictures and post them on this site if I can figure that out soon.  I still have to get registered for school, and am applying for other positions, therefore I have a lot to do to keep myself occupied.  My recovery has taught me to focus on the positive instead of the negative aspects of my life,  In short, I am GRATEFUL for all of this snow, especially since I prayed for it to happen.  I wanted a lot of snow.  I wanted there to be so much snow that my company would have to close down for a day or two and that’s exactly what happened!  I also noticed that I was on a manic high today which is something I haven’t been aware of for some time.  I came back from the store after it got dark, so the roads were icy, and after I unloaded everything and took some excess items to my neighbors as a thanks, I decided to try to get my back deck cleared —in snow that came up higher than mid-thigh on me!  Then, I decided to start the laundry once I cleared the snow away from the external vent. I continued to move on and start cooking dinner for myself, while changing the linens on my bed.  I finally started to crash from it and am now feeling very exhausted, but pleased with myself.

Recovery is a fickle woman.  Sometimes she is slow, deliberate and manageable.  Other times, she is fraught with challenges that accelerate our daily behaviors.  Having Bi-polar disorder in the mix, I have learned mindfulness techniques when my brain is going too much faster than my body.  I exercise, do my yoga, and sketch (I am teaching myself art therapy).

I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A BETTER YEAR THAN LAST YEAR AND MAYBE A GREAT YEAR ALTOGETHER!!! I wish all who read this, the same…be prepared for a  better year and a better life in recovery!

Always remember this…there is HOPE and HELP AVAILABLE TO YOU, DON’T GIVE UP!!!!

Peace, love and blessings to all….