Author: nmrecoveryhope

You know it never ceases to amaze me how in this new millenium some cultural issues never change. Remember when you were a kid, and you used to play telephone? Back then, you would have someone whisper something to you, then you would whisper what you heard to the person next to you, then they would do the same thing, and so on. By the time the “original message” from the very first person got through the group of players, it was usually really distorted in content.

Also, I have to say that with all the studying I have been doing and homework for my degree program, I am learning that some things and some people never change. Females are held as the highest gossipers. I would argue that men are just as bad if not worse, except what I have witnessed is that when men gossip, it’s out of boredom. When women do it they are downright vicious and determined to hurt someone. Why are women so hateful to one another sometimes? I watched that HBO special about the abused gymnasts and saw how they banded together as a voice of empowerment and fought a monster, and in doing so started the #MeToo movement. I was really crying as I heard their impact statements. Wow, check it out through Amazon or on HBO direct if you can, it’s called At the Heart of Gold. <–That’s how women should be toward each other! Supportive!!!

Anyway, relationships are such work, aren’t they? I mean all good relationships require work otherwise they are just passing acquaintances. Communication and compromise, as I always say!!! Well, it has become very easy for me to withdraw from friendships with women over the years, because they are such work, and because I have been burned by so many in the past. Recently, I had really developed what I thought was a close friendship with a female colleague, and had been giving her guidance, helping her with her work projects, and lately, bought her a front-row ticket to a concert for her birthday. We had a good time, I thought. I didn’t get much sleep but it was worth it to me.

Then of course the very the next day comes the hateful stream of text messages with no explanation as to what (who) is behind them. You know what I learned? I was happier without the investment in this relationship. It sounds like that’s an unhealthy attitude, but it is better not to have these toxic women in my life. I give too much; get burned. Where is the trust? Enough of that. On to happier topics. So I think that drugwarfacts.org is a great resource, I think I have said that before and if I didn’t, go check it out! It covers every possible topic related to drug and alcohol addiction. I learned all about Ibogaine, and then studied other topics on it too. My current research is on the use of antidepressants to treat depression, in spite of the fact that a lot of them (SSRIs) are known to cause suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Psychotropics = not the answer. Will let you know what I discover are the best treatments. I already know one is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. These teach change techniques and self-awareness and are really easy to use if you buy the workbooks on Amazon cheaply. Also they recommend activities like Tai-chi, yoga, and meditation (ommmmmm!).

Keep searching, keep learning, keep changing, keep growing…be part of life not apart from life. The best way to deal with your emotions is to deal with them. Get a deck of cards. On all four of each of the Aces or face cards, (your choice, like for the women, we may use all four of the queens), write down four different emotions, one per card. For example the Queen of Hearts is LOVE or LONELINESS…the Queen of Spades is ANGER… the Queen of Diamonds is SHAME or GUILT…and the Queen of Clubs is FEAR or TRUST. Basically you choose the names of the feelings or emotions and place them on the cards, then shuffle and deal throughout your day until you get at least one of those cards. Once you get one, then decide to let yourself feel it, even if you do not want to. Sit or lie in a comfortable position and ask the card you drew what the healthiest way to play it is in your life. WRITE DOWN ALL FEELINGS AND SITUATIONS WHERE THIS EMOTION IS IN PLAY. This is a coping skill. WRITE DOWN HOW YOU WILL LET GO OF THE EMOTION UNTIL IT IS NEEDED AGAIN. NEXT, TELL THE EMOTION THAT IT IS DISMISSED; IT CAN GO UNTIL IT IS DRAWN AGAIN. THEN PLAY A GAME OF SOLITAIRE OR GO FISH and JUST LET THE CARDS BE FUN.

If you know of other creative strategies or coping skills for depression, please share with us here at the link on this page. You can also email vanesseter@gmail.com

Peace, love, and blessings to all…until next time….

Well making a self-disciplined routine is part of a healthy recovery plan. I am learning to balance my requirements for school with my daily job, and also commitments to NA service. I attended a PR meeting and offered to help with some things. While I am learning all about addiction and Substance Use Disorders, I am concurrently trying to make time for getting the NA message out too. I understand now that 12-step groups are not for everybody and it depends on a specific fit to decide to incorporate a 12-step program into an integrated treatment plan, but it has been a good fit for ME. I drove out to Phoenix to see my bestie who took me to see Wicked. Wow. what a great show! I loved what the author did with the story line. I don’t want to create any spoilers, but if you like musical theater, try to catch this one somewhere! The women who played both the Wicked Witch, and Glinda were awesome! What beautiful voices they have. I got to see my daughter on the way out too. I am exhausted from the 1000-mile drive, but it was so worthwhile.

Getting back to recovery. We have been discussing the importance of family involvement and communications and dynamics in families of addicted persons. I came from a generation where we were a close tight family and had a matriarch at the head of it all who preferred we handle things internally –this goes right back to” you’re as sick as your secrets.” I think all families have their own roles and rules, but to be effectively in recovery it is imperative that no blame is assigned, that all family members understand the disease model of addiction, and that support can be given freely without judgement, blame, guilt or shame. Also I am reminded that even when I went through treatment, nobody could diagnose me or force me to participate in specific treatment adjunctives or group sessions. In recovery, you have to make a choice to be there each and every single day of your life –it’s not like you miraculously transform overnight or because you attended a 12-step group or shared in a session. The only person who knows whether they are ready for and committed to changing themselves and their life is YOU. If I am to be a good counselor, I have to look at these stages of change so I can identify where along the spectrum of change a client may be and address that stage head on.

This is all a great learning process for me, because as I learn more about SUDs as they are now referred to, and how the assessment, diagnosis, and integrated treatment approach processes work, I also learn about management of my own recovery. There are so many aspects to consider. Most people have a co-occurring illness with their SUD, and oftentimes that is either overlooked or the person cannot get the treatment they need because it is not available to them. I will be researching ways to treat an addicted population that does not have the good medical benefits I have taken for granted, and how to develop a process that could be funded.

Check out this really good resource if you can: https://www.drugwarfacts.org/

Peace, love and blessings to all until next time….

Wow, it has been an insanely long time since I blogged and for my readers/followers, again I sincerely apologize. I have been trying to get the hang of effective and efficient time management.  Also I went on travel for my job in Orlando, FL to a class that PA Douglas puts on for administrative professionals and I was lured by its content regarding memory management, I even bought his book.  He taught some cool tricks for memory, using several techniques, like association of a verbal image with a name, combined with tag words. He also taught the body list technique and one more (I forgot -wink face).  Then there were other parts to the course, like stress management, assertiveness training and group dynamics (that last one I have done many times before). Overall, I recommend this to anyone in the administrative professional or support field.

Next, my girlfriend flew out to stay with me and accompany me to the amusement parks. She didn’t want to go to Disney World because of the cost (but I had budgeted for it) and we compromised on Disney Springs (which is an expensive shopping complex that has some interactive stores to it). I kept trying to explain to her that with my job, school and everything in my recovery life, I really needed to recapture a feeling from my childhood.  I called this experiental therapy. So we went for a full day (9 to 8) to Universal Studios and went to the Harry Potter parks (there are two in two different parks; universal has three parks total, not to mention its other theme water parks).  I got us on the Rock-it Rollercoaster first, and OMG, you should have seen her face –AND mine!!! (lmao). She was terrified and I was at first, but you aren’t supposed to try to move you are just supposed to keep your head against the rest and lean into the ride, but we kept trying to look at each other and got bounced HARD. I WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT.  She was furious with me and told me she would not ride anymore rides with me.  I got her on the Harry Potter rides which were really fun (feels like flying behind him through the castle and through the Quidditch match). I rode that one four times! We went on the Mummy ride and Jimmy Fallon’s thing, but she fell on the stairs coming off the Harry Potter train, so I was on my own for the others. Well, the park closed early on us and I ran for the Hulk ride and just missed the last one before they kicked us all out. I was really bummed about that. So I guess I just have to save for another trip (with someone else who is not afraid to fly. I did recapture that feeling of youth and being untroubled and carefree. Next I will head to Six Flags in San Antonio or better yet Cedar Point or back to CA for Magic Mountain and Disneyland. Check these out if you want to be a thrill-seeker:

https://www.tripsavvy.com/scariest-roller-coasters-in-north-america-3226487

Now here comes the bad part. I may have blogged about it in the past. I have been dealing with a bad tooth for over a year. I let two dentists and an endodentist root canal the same tooth until I could no longer take the pain. So I rode it out for the past nine months or so until I was forced to make an appointment with an oral surgeon. He showed me in the X-rays that they drilled it so much and so badly that there was no way to save the tooth anyway -it had a giant hole in the middle and no structure left to it; so I was forced to get an implant too. I still have stitches in my mouth, and have been suffering with some pain. I am on my MAT and my suboxone provider has helped me through this because the stupid pharmacist girls called the oral surgeon and told him not to prescribe pain meds to me (they did this without even discussing it with me – I am furious about it). Imagine that they have to dig the four corners of what’s left of the molar out, then implant the post, then put stitches in it. You all know how I feel about pain in recovery. Some pain is good, suffering is NOT. I have learned an important lesson about the stigma of being in recovery, the labels of “addict” and “dependence” NOT TO MENTION the labels we receive with our comorbidities — Bi-polar, Depressed, PTSD. It’s time to change the conversation -globally. If we are going to work to defeat addiction in our lives, then the medical field -including pharmacists need to understand how addiction works and should all get cross-trained or gain further credentials in this field.

Okay, that was my soapbox for now. I still plan to get my credentials and practice someday and when I do, I will listen for reality with empathy, not bias.

Peace, love and blessings to all….

There’s so much commitment and self-discipline involved in achieving your goals…and dreams. I’ve heard so many great lines in the rooms. “Having one foot in the past while having one foot in the future is like pissing on the present.” I bring this up because as addicts we need a reality check every moment of every day. I know my relapse is just waiting for the moment she can take me down. Meanwhile I have recognized that fear and anxiety try to get a hold of me and that’s when my addiction, lurking in the background, begins circling the wagons. I started back and school online and it is more challenging to navigate distance learning, than the content itself.

I am going to have to get a tutor, maybe my favorite niece to show me how to manage the online research libraries. Yikes. I know I can do this and I want this degree and certification so much that I will do whatever I have to in order to learn it.

That’s a generational difference. The instructor looks to be very young too from her picture. I am so surprised and grateful that they have finally brought cheating to the social spotlight. Back when I was a professor myself for a university, I caught one of my students cheating, repeatedly. I tried to fail her but the administration stopped me from imposing any discipline. So I left.

That was over a decade ago. Now that I am a online student, I can see how easy it is for students to have someone else do their work. But again, what’s the point if you aren’t going to learn for yourself. I am thirsty for the knowledge of how to counsel addicts, and determined to succeed.

I’m keeping my NA meeting going, and by the grace of God, be of service in this world. I pray that I will do well at whatever He has planned for me.

I want to research the success of OTPs, Opioid Treatment Programs (like Suboxone and methadone). I want to find the data on their success rates. Will keep you posted. I went off mine for a month to see if I could do without it, but with physical pain interfering and school starting, I decided it best to stay in program until school is over for me. There’s lots on my mind. Time… time is ALWAYS on my mind. Why is there never enough and why does it go so fast? The lesson from that is a key to Life, I imagine.

Until next time though, peace, love and blessings to all, and remember that it’s never too late to follow your dreams….

I apologize to my regular following for the long lapse since my last blog post. I have been very ill and am only feeling better today. I have been working on patience with myself in every aspect of my life. I began by making notes whenever I observed the possibility I might miss an opportunity to acknowledge something positive in my day. It began slowly… I first discovered that I missed beauty in my surroundings…a smooth road surface…a spectacular cloud shape… incredible colors in the sunset…and even the mundane things like the clarity that a brand new toner creates, or the comfortable softness of the sheets on my new mattress.

It probably sounds pretty silly. I am simply trying to teach myself daily lessons in appreciation. I give myself permission to enjoy the ride, both literally and figuratively. If it means I end up being tardy, so be it.

Every day I strive to learn how to praise my higher power more adoringly and sincerely –to give thanks for all my blessings and my burdens. There’s so much to be thankful for. I used to live in the world of regrets. I checked out of there and left no forwarding address.

There’s so much I want to do now. Instead of dwelling on what I can’t accomplish or afford, I am focusing on what I have now and can do next.

Perhaps I cannot sing anymore, but I can still dance!!! Make a joyful noise; right now; in this moment!!!

Don’t let the steps hold you back, let them propel you through time like a rocket. After all, we are only here for an instant.

Evolve yourself through any creative outlet you find, as long as it doesn’t harm another human being or species on this planet.

Never mind a gratitude LIST, cop a gratitude Attitude, take a deep breath and ask “What does my HP want me to do now?”

Be still and silent and close your eyes, and the answer will well up within you.

At the end of the day when you lay your head down on the pillow, reflect on the choices you made today, and try to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Ever stare at a key and wonder if it has a secret power to unlock something more than a door? Something ethereal? Another dimension perhaps? I am allowing my mind to wander through a garden of ideas.

It’s like a high without drugs –giving it all up to God. Pray for others’ needs before your own. It’s SUCH A BIGGER RUSH TO SEE OTHERS’ PRAYERS GETTING ANSWERED. Be a gypsy. Like Stevie Nicks said: “and it all comes down to you.”

Peace, love, blessings and gratitude for you all….