There’s a line in one of my favorite movies that goes: “If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite PAIN?” If love came along in the later years of your life after you lived alone as a widow/er for fifteen years, and the risks, included FEAR OF LOVE DUE TO FEAR OF YET ANOTHER LOSS…what WOULD you DO?
I believe in love…more than anything else…my spiritual beliefs are founded upon Christ’s example to us of love -different kinds of love for many different kinds of people. John Lennon said it best — “all you need IS Love….” What am I talking about then? Well love and forgiveness go hand in hand, and as we age and become wiser and more mature, we learn that it is because of our love for another that we are willing to forgive [more easily as time passes].
If you have followed this blog from the commencement, you know of many hurts in my life…you know the amount of pain and trauma I have both simultaneously experienced…and survived…as many addicts have.
I want to love this man who says he has loved me for the past thirty years we have been apart and married to other people. I want to understand him; to share every moment of my life with him and every aspect of myself -with no secrets –full disclosure; true transparency; raw honesty; REAL INTIMACY! It sounds like bullshit even when I write it -like too good to be true; or trite –so banal – like every love song I hear in this “love bubble” could be construed as platitudinous…just lip-service to a distant culture of romance now made obsolete by marketing and a desensitized public.
My time and my generation are decades back…I made a plan and developed a lifestyle in recovery; a specified routine during which my goal is to become a good therapist. That was my sole dream…an exit strategy from my existing menial and meaningless job to something greater than myself where I could give all my love to my fellow man; particularly those suffering in addiction in silence. Nobody could have derailed me. I did not need a man in my life to complete me…just my Higher Power. A program of recovery has served me well for the past two and a half years.
School is getting harder, though I keep trying to do my best (carrying straight As so far, knock on wood). I have a shot a real, true happiness. I omitted the word lasting because the reality is that I learned the hard way 15 years ago that lasting is only a concept which applies to love.
I don’t want to waste any more time or life. I still aspire to become a good therapist and help others. But now I want to leave my hometown of 43 years and spend my life (with this man at my side for as long as possible), and start a new life. I don’t want to waste any more time on arguing or game-playing.
Two things concern me though. Can we overcome the difference in our spiritual beliefs? (I am a blend of Christian, Native, and Buddhist principles), and he has gone from atheist to agnostic I think with an attitude of willingness to try to understand and be open to the concept of faith. This is very important to me. The other concern is about my self-disclosure…he has brought up my past many times (sexual history) and used it in a way that it hurts me and I swore I would never allow a man to do that to me again ever! Also, although the concepts of love and emotion I bring are new to him and his worldview, I have had to apologize several times for hurting his feelings with something I have said. I am concerned that this will be an ongoing behavior pattern that I cannot take without resentments building up. I am working harder than ever to become self-aware and change, but I am not sure if this concern can derail my sobriety/recovery as the behavior is extremely triggering to me.
I want to love him so much that I am willing to compromise, but the boundaries are not clear yet and I do not wish to compromise my true self.
If you have any feedback, feel free to share on this or any other topic. In the interim, however, peace, love and blessings to all who read this….and I will keep you posted on my progress in love….
NMRecoveryHOPE 