So I have shared a lot of my sick secrets through my blogposts and I guess I feel safe under the disguise of anonymity in my website as well as in the rooms. I need to feel safe…about a lot of things. I am still changing, growing and trying to heal many hurts from my life. But I don’t want fear of rejection or pain to constrain me from experiencing joy. I have to be willing to take the risk, and I am.
I think that as a BiPolar 2, I worry that I am what many have labeled me over the years…damaged goods. Also, my standards are higher at this age and my expectations for a relationship have evolved into something fairly specific as well. But I also feel something I have not felt for many, many years…happiness…giddiness…bliss…joy…and true appreciation to my Higher Power for blessing me with the love of another man.
I really had closed that door to my heart. I thought well, I am on my own for the rest of my life, and that’s okay. I can earn my own living, pay my own bills, shop when I want, and never answer to a man for anything. Then about six months ago, a man that I dated 30 years ago found me over the internet and emailed me and we have been talking ever since. I think this man is the right fit for me. He understands me and wants to learn about my world, including all my good experiences and bad, and most importantly, wants to know what my love is like; wants to experience all that I have to give.
I feel like I can truly be myself around him; the real me. Even as an addict in recovery, I do not ever feel judged by him and believe that he really supports me in all that I do, including school – getting my MS in Addiction Counseling to try to help others in the world.
But that old Acting Out voice of doubt and doom creeps in…is it too good to be true? When will the other shoe fall? I will probably get used and hurt and rejected. Don’t do it…don’t make yourself open and vulnerable. I have to tell the other personalities to shut the f*@# up! Because the part of me that is real and true and buried deep inside cries out as a little girl does, “you deserve this man’s love. A life without risk is no life at all. This could be the most beautiful relationship you ever have. If you are just brave enough to work for it; to fight for it. Don’t give up; don’t run away.”
I decided I would commit to loving this person and believe that he loves and commits to me. I will let you know what a life transition in your senior years is like. Oh…and by the way, I finally removed my late husband’s cross from around my neck after almost 15 years. Replaced it with something new and special. This is a BIG STEP FOR ME. I can juggle it all, but at the end of the day, it really boils down to just one thing.
Him and me with love and faith at the center.
Peace, love and blessings to all…
NMRecoveryHOPE 