Hurried and Hopeless?

I can tell you that since I have been in recovery for a year now, I feel like I have been in a constant state of frenzied panic.  I guess there is no other way to explain it, other than I feel like I am in a hurry all the time “…or else….”  I don’t think the “or else”es really have been as critical of consequences or repercussions as I made them out in my mind to be.  Most of them were not being late to appointments.  No matter how early I left, I found that I still felt stressed that I wouldn’t get somewhere in time.  Even when, no, especially when driving.  I would look at the clock on the radio, then on my cell, heck I even broke down and got another watch and wore it, but, even as they all showed me that I had sufficient (sometimes more than sufficient) time to get to my destination, it still felt like I wouldn’t make it on time; I couldn’t shake the feeling.  Well, I started practicing how I feel when I deliberately take my time to do things (including driving places); both how I feel physically, and what is going on inside my head and my heart.  I KNOW, I mean…I KNOW that I understand there are no consequences severe enough to be worth allowing myself to continue experiencing that level of stress and anxiety.  It was a learned behavior and I need to unlearn it.  Like everything else, that takes [opportunity], practice and time.  So I have set a new recovery goal for myself as I commence my second year which is to SLOW DOWN, my whole life.  

It’s hilarious that I am sharing this at this precipice of radical change I am now facing.  I think I may be in for a major life change if my job goes away (all due to things I have shared about between myself, another woman in the workplace that I report to again, and her band of followers).  I decided regardless of the outcome, I need to walk through the door I have been dreading and accept the outcome whatever that may be.  I also decided that the time is right to start (just start) the process of my next higher education goal.  I still have other fires to tend to.  I am trying to keep the hometown home group alive.  I need to channel some energy into that first.  I am making plans about that today.

Also, I allowed so many things to interfere with my blog site that I owe my readers a length and sincere apology.  I have not made the time to do this as frequently as I was in the beginning, and that is something that I can and will change.  I think if you tried to find me in my house about two weeks ago, all you could see was my eyes and nose buried in a mountain of paperwork, bills, and yellow post-it notes (remember Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty?).  I actually got smart and hired a couple of my sisters to help me go through all the paperwork in my house and vehicle and create a filing system!  Which proves that I am not hopeless when it comes to organization…(LoL)

There is so much to be grateful for and I don’t need to make a gratitude list to be aware of that.  On the other hand, this is perhaps the best time of year to make a gratitude list.  Start with the obvious, but don’t forget the details.  I love drinking bottled water.  It’s the only way I can make sure to stay hydrated and it keeps me healthier.  I am grateful I can afford the bottled water and that it can be recycled, but even better than that…it is snowing today and I am extremely grateful for THAT!  I love the way snow falling makes me feel, calmer and quieter, a little introspective, nostalgic and looking forward to the Holidays instead of worrying about it.  I have another thing to add and that’s I am grateful to have the job I have; that I have had it for this long and until however long I have it.

I heard a really good message on CentralAZ.com weekend messages (I like this church), my own journey, but this is about  the messages.  I was listening to one about one of the Beatitudes (sometimes known as the “Blessed Ares”) and he was talking about how we tend to compartmentalize our prayers and faith – job, family, love, health, possessions etc. when we talk to our higher power and it should just be one thing.  So I am making a concerted effort to give my job and everything else to my higher power to take care of, and like I said, whatever the outcome, I am going to trust that it’s what is meant to happen now.

There are so many things to talk about.  For now, I wish you all peace, love and blessings….

Oh and postscript here – I intend to post another guest article someone wrote about finding employment in recovery.  Stay tuned for that as I will try to do that one next.

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