I miss so many things today.  I am trying to stay in the moment; stay mindful of the present, but I miss all the HOPE I was feeling went I first began my recovery.  It’s NOT EASY.  Here I am nine months clean, aside from two dental issues and 3 ER visits forced on me.  I still get a serious Jones occasionally, or have a using dream, but for the most part, I have an anxiety that I have been sidetracked from my Step work due to medical issues with no answers.  So I keep going, paid off seven credit cards and closed the accounts, and now just working my way through the medical bills.

I once went to the Mayo clinic in Phoenix and am still paying that off.  Now my employers are forcing me to have a “neuropsychological evaluation.”  I looked up some of the tests and it will be an all day event.  So I guess I feel like I need to redefine HOPE now.

I hope for  positive results from all of my upcoming tests this week.  I hope to keep my job and my employers satisfied.  I hope for a better future professionally.  I hope to continue my debt management and see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope to lose my fear of getting involved with someone again.  I hope my family stays safe and healthy.  Most of all, I hope to take a step back toward my 12-step journey of recovery with NA.  I hope to keep my promise to try to do a  minimum of 15 minutes of Step work today on my Step 4.  I hope more than anything that I can help someone else who is struggling with the disease of addiction and be of loving service to him/her.  I hope to blog more about what recovery feels like, rather than feeling like my blogging is just whining words –lip service.  There is so much help out there and it continues to grow, just as the problem of opioid addiction continues to grow.

Do you know that I heard on the radio that there is now some kind of “shot” you can take once a month to keep you from using?  There are many alternative methods.  I miss acupuncture and massage – those were great, but cost me $300.  It shouldn’t cost anything to get well in this life, but we all know that’s not the case, and the industry is designed to make its big bucks off of all the pills being pushed at us.  I know that my tolerance to pain medication is so high that nothing would work if I got into serious pain.  So I hope that my faith in my Higher Power is strong enough to see me through these trials so I can get on to a better life and back to trying to be a better person each day.  I hope that anyone who reads this knows there is help available, and that a life free of drugs and alcohol is still a fun life.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s and loved disco music.  Recently, KC and the Sunshine Band came to play about 120 miles from where I live.  I wanted to go SOOOOO BAD!!!  But I was afraid to go alone.  Well, guess what?  I went and was at the stage and shook his hand and he even said something to me and I just rocked out and danced and had a blast!  Physically, I was feeling a little unsteady, but the music uplifted me and changed my attitude!  I have my 3-circle chart posted above my computer where I can see it all the time.  The first circle contains a list of all the things I do or could enjoy doing instead of using.  MUSIC AND DANCING was right at the top of the list!  I hope you have a list like this and can deliberately make the effort to do things.  I got bubble baths on that list too; just enjoyed a long one of those!  (The middle circle is a list of things thata could cause me to relapse; the final circle contains a list of behaviors indicating I HAVE relapsed.  I pay attention to this chart a lot.)

I hope this coming week is GOOD…for ALL OF US.  I am going to meetings this week too.  Because in the end, I get that connection with others in the rooms which gives me the reminder I need, Just for Today.

Peace, love and blessings to all who read here….

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