The Program of Life…Memories

As I have said before, I believe the NA program works – if you work it, and keep coming back!  I recently read in the “Living Clean” book (I am studying with another woman in a meeting we call the Monday Night Women’s meeting, but it’s almost always just the two of us).  Sorry, I digress (easily and frequently).

The book said, (and I am paraphrasing a little) that we should create relationships outside the program that are the same as the ones we share in the rooms.  I couldn’t disagree more and am struggling with this.  It also says our whole life should be NA.  Again, I disagree.  There are people that I know at work or with whom I socialize with whom it would not be prudent or possible to cultivate an NA-type relationship.  There is supposed to be unconditional trust, love and acceptance in the program.  That is a much more difficult thing to find and establish with others who are not in the program; especially in this town.

As far as NA being my whole life, NO!  I want to travel and do exciting things and explore new ventures and have adventures and that may not include people in the program nor does it mean I commit to going to 3 meetings a day every day for the rest of my life.

The Step work is helping me to discover who I truly am and what my responsibilities to others are in this world.  And what, of my many traumatic experiences, I brought on myself or played a role in; same with all y resentments -and there are pages and pages of them.  That’s great.  But not everyone I know believes in, knows about or supports the NA program.

Right now due to all my memory loss issues (seeing a neuropsychologist for an exam, conditional to my Fitness for Duty for my job).  I don’t want to lose blocks of time or ANY MEMORIES.  I am truly frightened that I have a brain damage injury from neurotoxicity (Google it), or early Alzheimer’s or something.  Whatever it is, I will handle and SURVIVE it!

Today i am making the memories of getting my hair blonded, paying bills and closing credit card accounts, doing housework and preparing for my new renter who is supposed to move in Sunday night.  He seems like a nice man.  Reliable hopefully.  Then I get to go to Santa Fe and have a Doppler scan of my legs for clots.  Medical bills suck.

Will hold on to my mindfulness and serenity as long as I can.  I tried the floating in a tnk thing, but too much salt.  I feel grateful and blessed for everything I have and am going through.  Thank God for spell check as I cannot even type as well or as fast as I used to.  Please pray for me that I get a diagnonsense that I can deal with.  Our Lab’s Occupational Medicine clinic ambulanced me against my will t te ER last Friday and the discharge papers say “recurrent migraine headaches” even though I was sent due to an altered mental state.

Maybe I am just losing m mind?  Only all these tests will tell, but I still have my libido and I guess that’s something.

Peace, love and blessings to you all….hold onto all your memories, the GOOD and the BAD.

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