As I tried to relax in a float tank the other day, I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about beauty, all the appointments I had to go to, the afterlife, and a million other things.
As I have said before, my memory is shot full of holes. I don’t know if this is because of getting clean, or getting older, but it sure has made my life frustrating. I wish I knew how to hold on to all those details. There are so many appointments that I have to attend that I can’t keep them all straight. Then I got to thinking about all the credit cards I wanted to close out. I decided to get out of the tank and get back to my life and once I could close those credit cards perhaps I could actually relax. And then I went back to thinking about the afterlife. What if it’s not some beautiful new existence? What if it’s just nothingness? Or, as movies might have us believe, what if it’s just a do-over of your life and all the many mistakes you’ve made. I decided to go home and have a credit card cut up party. And once I did that, I relaxed. I decided not to care about what the afterlife consists of because you simply can’t. We don’t know what’s going to happen next, all we can control is the next thing that is coming and even that we have no control over. As far as Beauty goes, I guess I need to just keep looking inward and pray that I can make my outsides match my insides. I would like to believe that everyday as I change and try harder to become a more beautiful person that my body and my face do not disintegrate.
Is it possible that what will make me relax is a beautiful credit score?
It has been hotter than hell literally here, and to make matters worse, the air conditioning has stopped on my vehicle. I have the car in the shop, and a friend has loaned me his truck. I just pray that to fix it will not cost a fortune. I have learned that I cannot function well when I am roasting away in the car, in the house, or at my office. I had planned to purchase an additional portable air conditioner for my home, but Walmart cut my credit limit down to less than what it would take to buy another unit. This is the driving force behind my cutting up all my credit cards and closing out all my credit accounts. I just want things to cool off. I can no longer continue to lay around the house naked in order to keep cool, just in case I finally get a renter.
I need to get my hair cut and colored, but will have to wait until next pay day and in the meantime wear it up to keep cool.
I heard a share in one of the rooms the other night from someone that we should try to make our relationships outside the program match those we have inside the program. That we should try to have a life that is all about NA, but I don’t want all my relationships to be the same, nor do I want to have my relationships outside program be the same as the ones I have inside the program. There is a very specific reason for that. I can trust people inside the program but I don’t know that I have that same level of trust with people I know or have met on the outside. They don’t understand necessarily about 12 step programs and I don’t think they should have to. I have met someone else that I work with that I really like. I don’t expect to have a relationship with him at all as that will be up to him. However, I do like this man a lot and would like to have a trusting loving relationship with him as a friend at the very least. I can be myself around him and that means the world to me. I have learned to accept myself and I believe that this man has accepted me for who I am as well.
As far as the afterlife goes, I still am fascinated by all the different possibilities. I watched a movie recently that had a spin of alternate realities combined with reincarnation as a theme and I found that interesting. It isn’t the same as some cookie cutter movies who replayed the same idea like “What Dreams May Come” or one of my all-time favorites “Made in Heaven” (available on Vu-du).
Recently I was able to visit with my mom and my aunt in a dream and although I don’t remember what was said between us it was just as if she were alive. We had tea in a fancy little cafe / shop that had knickknacks everywhere for purchase kind of like Cracker Barrel but not. I wish I could remember what they were trying to say to me. All I know is that I woke up feeling very happy and grateful to have seen them and a little tearful because I miss them. if the afterlife is another type of existence let’s hope it’s one we can travel between this life and the next checking in on those we love.
I will get through all my doctor’s appointments. And they probably won’t find anything wrong with me. So I will continue to do the best I can one day at a time. I hope you find your Center, get to all your appointments, and get rid of all your credit card accounts. Beauty is inside us.
Peace love and blessings to all.
NMRecoveryHOPE 