This is a great day. I feel good and am so motivated to do stuff. I started working on my third step now that my sponsor and I have gone over my Step 2 and come to an understanding about roles and expectations or responsibilities, I am ready and willing. But this is only a part of my story today. Checking in with myself, I feel a strange sense of freedom and peace of mind. I have given myself over –surrendered to my believe in a higher power and this action of surrender (which will be a daily process for me in meditation), has led me to this state of calm.
I want to do so many positive things. I am anxious about doing my 4th step, I mean a really thorough and detailed account of all my actions and relationships will be scary and painful, but I will take my time and process through it.
The other half of me feels anxious in a not-so-positive way; I feel an itch to get into some kind of trouble. Vanessa made big 80s hair with hot rollers, then a curling iron and finally a buttload of hair spray. She wants to play with the false eyelashes to see what look she can create…then she wants to go …out and play. My acting out behavior is craving attention. What disaster befalls me if I follow this craving and go out in public and seek trouble? Will I end up at the dope man’s place? Will I relapse for real? Will I end up in bed with someone I don’t even know or like? Will I once again allow my body to be used inappropriately to satisfy a craving I could take steps to avoid now?
I am going to watch movie in 3-D mode (using the DBT 3-Ds skills; I’ll delay by watching a good movie, distract myself cooking something and decide later whether I still feel like going out.
More later…
Thankfully the urge has calmed down and i can make plans to do something safe like shopping so I plan to do that instead.
Right now I am enjoying a new movie while eating the Salmon I just made on my Foreman grill. It is delicious! Saved to stay clean another day.
NMRecoveryHOPE 