You Can’t Go Home Again

I have been very emotional the past few days, and have attributed it to the fact that I stopped taking the anti-psychotic medicine that the Psychiatrist insisted I needed.  I think I will amend that statement to say that I have been emotional.  Period.  It’s totally within the normal range of human feeling and interaction.  Let me give you an example.  I get emotional over movies –I always have.  I decided to watch Click with Adam Sandler.  I LOVE that movie.  You know why?  Because he can go home again.  I love movies where the main character gets a second chance at life.  I guess I especially love them now because I have gotten a second chance at life and I am hoping it all works out with a happy ending.  I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hope or to pray for a positive outcome.  I LOVE the ending.  [No spoilers here; if you haven’t seen it – watch it!].  The happy endings that are bittersweet always make me cry.  Since we are on the topic of movies that make us cry, well…where would I begin?  I think it’s normal to do that as long as you don’t get addicted to the feeling and get sucked into a depression.

That movie makes me stop and think about what I would do if I could go home again. What would I do if I could go back in time and make things right?  I would smother my husband and my children with love and affection and all my attention.  I would talk my spouse out having the surgery which killed him.  I would make my house a home. I would snuggle our doggy more (he was a great pyrenees/chow mix named Buddy).  I would spend more time with my mom resolving any differences and loving her for who she was.  I would put my job second to my family, and my friends would only be people who my husband and I both liked.  I would encourage my son to make better choices.

But would it change anything? Or would it all go down just the way it did in the string of time we’re in now?

That makes me very sad and tearful.  I cannot change the past; I can only live in the present praying that I am guided to be a better human being than I was, and that I appreciate all those I love and encounter, for today is just a blink in time.  And this brings me back to mindfulness.  I must stay on track with my DBT skills and not allow myself to dissociate from painful memories.  This leads me back to the same track of thinking…do I really need to be on psychiatric medicine as a labeled Bi-Polar and Depression girl, or am I just a woman who needs to learn to process her emotions differently so that she doesn’t end up on Thorazine or Lithium for the rest of her life?  I have been giving this a lot of thought and am ready to have a rather frank discussion with my Psychiatrist.  I am ready to change therapists too to start into a DBT class I heard about.

But I still like that movie Click…watch it tonight on Amazon. Rent it on DVD from Redbox or Netflix -whoever has it.  I also like The Shack, the Martian (uplifting), and for a great laugh I watch The Other Woman.  I am not advertising here, just sharing how I sometimes process my emotions or receive emotions from entertainment.  I am giving my sadness a moment (sitting with the feeling), then giving it over to my higher power.

What are your favorites? I would love to hear what touches your different emotions.

Peace, love and my blessings to you all…

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