Every Single Day is….

Every single day is one more than we deserve.  I miss my mother today.  I miss my late husband today.  Oh hello grief, what are you doing here today?  Well nice to see you but I really don’t want to hang out for long.  This program of recovery that I am working seems to be changing me for the better and I am grateful every single day that I am clean.

I am trying not to dwell in the past plus have taken myself off of some psycho drugs as well.  My sponsor says that if you are taking suboxone you really aren’t clean; just trading one drug to stay off another.  Well I say that if that’s what it takes to stay off of heroin, morphine, Fentanyl, pot, crack, crystal meth, acid or cocaine or whatever the f**k else you may be battling, then so be it!

Yeah maybe at some point in time I will not take the suboxone either.  Maybe as I get old, my body will have fewer problems….Right?  Maybe I will not take anything for my blood pressure or heart medicine or thyroid pills or nothing.  Yeah I can totally see that happening…not.  All I know is I will “take” (USE) whatever I have to in order to survive, because if I am not here anymore then what the fu*k was I doing all this for to begin with???

Isn’t it funny how my emotions just ran from okay to sad to angry and back to sad all at once???  Maybe being off the antidepressant or whatever it was is making my bi-polar mood swings ramp up.  Let’s see if I can make it to a manic HIGH rather than a depressive LOW today.  I plan to finish my laundry, take a LONG, HOT, STEAMY, SCENTED BUBBLE BATH, then maybe if the snow dies down I will go have dinner with my boy -friend.  A friend that is male and 28 years older than I.  Yes, as a matter of fact I am trying to figure out this relationship.  It is not sexual in that he cannot have conventional sex due to his past prostate cancer (I may have blogged about him before), so it is just about affection with us.  And companionship.  So he is old enough to be my father (and my father hates this relationship), but we are close friends and have been since the late 1980s.  I was a bartender and cocktail waitress who served he and his (late) wife drinks.  She was a bad alcoholic.  A lush and a slut in that she came on to every guy in the bar and sat on their laps and kissed them.  I don’t know if she f**ked any of them, but he won’t tell me the details other than her drinking and smoking killed her a few years ago.

I liked her as a person in the way that she interacted with me.  I shouldn’t be judging her because I acted the same exact way in my life.  Maybe that’s why I am connected to him.  To help him understand what an addiction and UNDERLYING CAUSES OF IT can do to you!  Oh hello Guilt…nice of you to join us…and you brought Shame along?  Great.

Excuse me while I take my bath and have a long discussion with my guilt, shame and sadness and try to process this all to the point where I can get back to my peaceful and calm and uplifted place.

Blessings to all on this snowy, windy Sunday –and Happy St. Patty’s to those who celebrate it.  Happy birthday to my niece in Vienna and peace, love, blessings to all who read this.  Please comment or share on Testimonials.  I don’t know how to Facebook or Twitter yet.

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