First of all, I am making amends to all who suffered through my tantrum of judgment last Thursday night in the rooms in Santa Fe. I realized that judgment only begets judgment, that my disease of addiction comes with the Self-awareness that is a mirror of my raw, albeit true negative behaviors or traits… also known as Defects of Character. Even though I believe that I am READY for sobriety, FEAR is a cruel taskmaster…taskmistress(?)
In 87 days clean, I am more unhappy with myself than ever. Let’s discuss the difference between a reason and an excuse. While I am NOT my disease of addiction, nor defined by my many mental illnesses of PTSD, Bi-polar disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, etc. (the label list goes on and on… and drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain), I know right from wrong. There are reasons for my illnesses, but they are NOT an excuse for relapse –for NOT “DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING.”
Fear of growth is NOT an excuse. I either grow up, or party on…all the way to hell.
I am being a responsible adult for the first time in years, paying my bills, saving my 401k and planning for retirement. Do I really want to live in fear of throwing it all away for pain??? I am living instead of surviving; thriving instead of manipulating.
I’ve learned that I can’t put more into another person’s Recovery than what they are putting into it. I am still the newcomer myself. Boundary Bitch, the goddess of my recovery. Let them fan the flames of my desire…to stay clean just for today; just ONE more day. I want to feel a part of it, not apart from it. I don’t want this sly, cunning, sleazy addiction to trick me back to insanity by hearing the voice inside me change it’s tune from desperation, to “it wasn’t that bad.” They say that “pride covers a multitude of sins” and I have had a lot of practice swallowing. If I can’t, then I’m unteachable, which means I can’t grow, which by it’s definition means that I am retarded. I am not retarded, just insane, since I know that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different outcome. People aren’t gonna listen to what I say, they’re gonna listen to what I DO.
NO MORE WALLOWING IN SELF-LOATHING, SELF-REJECTION, JUDGMENTALISM, HARSH SELF-CRITICISM, NEGATIVITY, OR EGOTISM. TIME FOR SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE. Time for h e a l i n g.
Tonight’s meeting’s final lesson: sharing in the room is like praying –I can follow up my words with a call to action.
Peace, love and blessings to all who read this and those who have been clean much longer than I, and contributed to it.
1 thought on “Do the Next Right Thing… Panic?”
I sometimes feel dumbfounded and awestruck at the things my group shares with me. Thanks to you who said some of these lines.