Loitering to recover…or How I Wrestled with Relapse

Serenity check…Daily Maintenance Program? As usual, Just For Today is dead on. I have been struggling with my suffering. My right jaw and lower molars in excruciating pain. Painkillers didn’t help –prescribed notwithstanding. Nothing helps but numbing gel. I was so low that I could actually see my relapse coming in detail. I had to do something. To top it all off, the Wicked witch at work was bullying me hard. I felt like I was about to snap.

So I went to my new friend. A psychiatrist with a caring heart. God has put two women in my life with the initials AJ. This newer one saved me from myself. I am truly grateful for her.

I went to my meeting. I shared there too. And I learned something important:

You cannot rely on yesterday’s Recovery. If you turn it over, but don’t let it go, you’re upside down. And…this is a simple program for complicated people.

Are they all cliches? Not to me, because they are new pieces of shared information that impact me and resonate with me. Thanks to those of you who shared them.

A relapse could lay the groundwork for freedom, or a grim and obstinate willfulness to hang on come hell or high water until the pain stops is my only option. I have reached the decisive turning point. I can’t go back to using… I JUST CAN’T. I NOW SEE I WILL HAVE TO USE AT THE LEVEL I DID BEFORE OR HIGHER AND THUS WILL DIE!!!


My Higher Power is the only thing that can help me with this. I AM tired physically and mentally, and I know that if I don’t use it, I will lose it. Apathy, procrastination, resistance to change…are all my enemies.

I can stare down the road of disillusion, degradation and Death. Or… return to the place where empathy becomes a healing therapy…an NA meeting.

I choose that as survival mode. Surrounded by people who are also addicted–who get it. I know why it is so important to be with others who are like-minded. They can help and understand. I know also that this Blog has contained excerpts from the literature, however it is so real, and so true. I will not make it through relapse, especially if I do not have my friends in the rooms to share with me, and empathize with me. I intend to get through this crisis of pain.

Peace Love and blessings to all who read this.

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