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Can a fairy tale exist twice in a lifetime? I went into a new relationship with my eyes wide open and my guard up. I traveled in sobriety to another state, but I cannot change who I am to fit someone else’s values, worldview, or belief system simply because their ego demands that I fit a specific caricature of what they believe a woman or person should be.

It’s taken me a lifetime of survival of trauma and tragedy and regrets to find out who I am and to love and accept myself in sobriety, clean and free of the hell that IS ADDICTION.

I want to continue to live clean and love fully. So, is it possible to have another chapter or fairy tale of love in my life?

Communication and compromise my friends.

For now though, peace, love, and blessings to all….

Hey there all you wonderful people trying to find your way in the world with hope and love…with the keys to survival.  The key to it all is faith. You can survive anything as long as you have faith in something, right? I was sick for a whole month…nobody would listen to me or believe me in this pretentious town. One ER doc insisted that I was in withdrawal and handed me a prescription for Suboxone even though I told him repeatedly that I had a fever for a month, was already on Subs, and just needed him to run a test on my blood for an infection.  Bottom line, I survived (no thanks to him or others like him).

Today though, I had to say goodbye to my Primary Care Physician in Santa Fe.  I have never had a doctor before in my life this amazing, and likely never will again.  This man is a mensch. “A mensch is a person who can be relied on to act with honour and integrity. But the Yiddish term means more than that: it also suggests someone who is kind and considerate” (Grensch, 2019). “Tributes to the American film director Harold Ramis of Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day, who died earlier this year, noted that he had the reputation of being a mensch. The critic Richard Christiansen said that he was “aggressive in his desire to succeed but never at the sacrifice of somebody else’s gain” (Grensch, 2019).

I cried when I saw him and had to say goodbye.  He hugged me and kissed me on my cheek and told me “don’t say anything bad about yourself again, remember that you are a beautiful, good woman.”  WHO DOES THIS??? I WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO FIND A DOCTOR WITH THIS KINDNESS AND COMPASSION, and I am losing him because he is going to another state to be a teaching doctor for the new young residents. THANK YOU DR. MICHAEL CHARTRAND.  YOU ARE THE BEST! (By the way, I saw that he was awarded the Compassionate Doctor Recognition, AND a Patients Choice Award. (Never knew that before, but am not surprised that a lot of other people felt the same way I do).

I will survive this too of course, but my abandonment issues kicked in, and I felt triggered as I cried all the way home. I wrote a great review for him, but I don’t know if I can ever tell him how much he meant to me, or how important he was to me as one of a very few people in my life that I respect who treated me with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.  There.  Those are the keys:  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.  If we all treated each other with that kind of empathy and compassion, imagine what the world would be like…we would actually evolve! So those are the keys, and faith is the door they unlock. Walk though it… Some may struggle with this concept or mock it.  All I can say to the pseudo-intellectuals is that you can’t disprove the existence of a higher power or creative force (no matter what you call it). The transition to believe in something greater than yourself or mankind is not easy. It is not a choice you make lightly or just once. That’s why it’s called “a leap of faith.”

That’s it. That’s the key and that’s my mission now.  I WILL become a licensed drug addiction therapist, and I WILL SURVIVE  anything and everything that comes my way so I can set an example on that score – I am learning to be unconditionally accepting of others and that empathy is part of what makes the world go ’round.  I fear that I don’t have anything important to say now, like perhaps I have shared everything and now have nothing left to say to you.  But I will continue to try for another year.  We want to promote recovery and help for addiction in the workplace.  It may not be easy, but we will try…one step at a time. I will keep you posted about that.

Peace, love, blessings…and UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & COMPASSION to ALL who read this blog post.

It has been the longest absence from my blog that I have had to experience yet. Unfortunately, I doubt you will believe me when I say that I have been ill for a long time, and that the experience of being ill in and of itself was tougher than normal, as I have not had an illness take me down that hard and for that long in many years.

What started to be believed to be a reaction to the Flu shot emulating symptoms, became a week of horrid aching and fever and thirst, and a trip to the Urgent Care where I was told it was an upper respiratory infection and put on antibiotics for five days (which did not alleviate the illness or the fever, and just caused gastrointestinal problems too). About another week after that I ended up at the ER asking for fluids and blood testing to see if I had an infection in my system or a recurrence of Cytomegalovirus that had hospitalized me five years ago, and took months to heal.

I was left with the usual treatment and accusation of being in withdrawal. Once in recovery, I decided you never get believed again and will always be left suffering with the ridiculous diagnosis of withdrawal, even if you try to explain that you have been down that road and this is not what you have, and the symptoms started way before you stopped taking your suboxone.

I was too weak to drive, to get out of bed, or even to type, so I had to withdraw from the class I was in, which I will be charged for anyway.

I have stated many times that the fear that threatens my recovery is of being left in pain and to suffer -God forbid I get in a bad accident or get cancer or something. The country has a monster opioid addiction problem and I understand that; was part of it at one point. But what happens to those who need to be treated for pain or illness and are not due to past history?

There has got to be an answer to this problem somewhere. There has got to be advocacy for those who are not abusing drugs and who need them to receive them.

This is an area I need to research. I wanted to have this website so that I could share my experiences with others in recovery or others who may know someone in recovery…or even for those who are just interested.

If anyone has any information about the pain management problem for those in recovery, I would love to hear about it. There is a contact email attached to this website now. Talk to me.

Peace, love and blessings…to all.

Those of you in the program will recognize this “Just For Today” from last Monday, September 23rd, it says: ” The God I am coming to understand has a limitless capacity for love and care.  I will trust that my God is bigger than any problem I may have.” Those of you who have not yet gone through a process of connecting to a Higher Power that has changed you, I think this quote is invaluable. The thing about faith is that you have to make a choice to believe and that choice is ongoing; recurrent. It provides a sense of security and well-being to come to understand that some “thing” some force that is greater than human understanding at this particular midst unit in time has designed it all, understands through time what has happened, is happening, and will happen. I am not to push my beliefs onto others as a therapist, so I am trying to decipher how to describe my own experiences and faith and how they have helped me to survive the so-called “holocaust that was my life” (another therapist’s words to me about myself).

I will say that my personal experience was quite intense and remarkable. It was…ethereal…diaphanous…metaphysical. Once I was no longer held captive by my addiction and my soul was free to search and discover, all the acrimonious issues I was facing and absorbing came to a crescendo in one fleeting moment. I remember I was crying, on my knees, alone…I had been raised to believe and have faith, but turned away from it when my addiction overpowered me and my life…I didn’t think there was a God because I was so apoplectic over everything I had survived. The deaths of my closest loved ones, the addiction, everything. So I had a dialogue…period. I spoke out loud to the higher power I thought had punished me and forgotten me. To my surprise, some amazing feelings emerged from me that I had no idea I felt. I remember I started out this audible conversation with God by sharing my feelings of anger and hopelessness. Then I think I was bargaining…”if you really exist, then make (this) happen.” The light in my room changed and I was overcome with a sense of shame and humility.  About a moment later, I realized that if I were to truly follow my Step Work, I would have to make a commitment to believe again and this time it would be a choice of my own and a relationship of my own design. I gave responsibility for all my burdens and obligations, large and small to my new God of my understanding. I began to feel weightless, and a sense of peace pervaded me. I asked for forgiveness, understanding and love…and I felt it rush throughout me. I know this is a simplified description, but I heard a voice speaking to me, through me. It said: “you ARE LOVED…and everything will be alright.”

So every day, when I get up and am on my way to work, I give all my problems over to the God I believe in…yes, even the car.  The non-believers will say I have given myself the illusion of surrendering self-control and responsibility, but those of you who have worked the Steps in the Program will understand, I made it through my 3rd Step ”

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Went on working Steps until the 8th Step:

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

And then wended my way through to the 12th. So what am I trying to say today? Well first of all, many times the “Just For Today” passages are right on target for us…and…I am grateful to have my HP and how He cares for me.  I wish the same for all of you.

Peace, love and blessings, and understanding that there are physics and metaphysics…to all….

You know, men like to joke about women and cars…but what happens when you are a single woman who has to deal with the automotive mechanics or buying of a new or used car???

YIKES!!! I am here to tell you that this is the single most shaming, frustrating experience I have ever had (including rape, in fact it’s a lot like being raped). The automotive industry is a man’s world…and a man’s game. I have had a never-ending nightmare series of electrical and engine problems with my old car which is a Saturn, and have sunk over a thousand dollars into it so far for the mechanics to try to figure out how to accurately diagnose the problem. The car has 68k miles on it and is good condition for the most part. Here’s what happened. It started like out like any beautiful summer morning. I went out to start my car for work, and…

R-R-R-R-R…R-R-R-R-R…R-R-R-R-R-R-R! It made kind of a machine gun sound when I turned the key like it didn’t want to turn over. So I took it to a new mechanic shop in my town that my brother-in-law recommended. Told them I needed it fixed because I was headed back east across the country to take care of a relative who was dying. They kept it all day and called and said it needed a new solenoid. $260. Picked it up and paid and headed out (they closed for the day). Stopped to buy shoes for my trip and…door locks not working. After I returned from burying my mother-in-law, took the car in on Friday again. Told them to fix the locks and that the engine was still not starting right. They kept it all day again and at 4:30 called me and said it was ready. Said they fixed the door locks, but now I needed a new fuel pump. Said that if I let them outsource the part the pump would be $597 including part and labor, but it would take ten days to get it and in the meantime it was safe to drive it because I was leaving on another trip to go see my son. Paid another hundred for the door locks and went on my way. Wait, this time I stopped to test locks first before I left and they closed. Still no joy. Went back in and told her (office manager who doubles as a mechanic), and she said not to worry that if I brought in my other key fob, it just needed to be reprogrammed when I got back and they would do that with the fuel pump. SO…I left. Stopped for gas on the way to the airport. When I started the car, air conditioning quit, dashboard lights went off and temperature gauge went to zero not reading. I was really getting antsy and angry! I was worried about leaving it at the airport while gone on another trip, but had no choice. When I returned, it started up and after driving a few miles on the 100 mile trip home, the air conditioning came back on, the lights came back up in the dash and the temperature gauge began reading again. Needless to say, I was definitely taking it in to the mechanic the next day. The next morning, I went out to start it and…R-R-R-R-R. This went on for about six tries until after pumping the gas really hard it began revving the engine up, but it kept sputtering like it was going to die. Took to the mechanic and talked to the owner. He said they would “make it right.” Now I needed a rental car. There were none available in my town. He agreed to let me use his “loaner” vehicle. The week went by and Friday afternoon I got a call from the manager that it was ready. I needed to buy new key fobs and that would fix all the problems. I asked her if the dash lights were on, the temp gauge reading, etc. She said she didn’t know because she hadn’t checked. Told her curtly to go start the car, drive it and report back to me right away what condition it was in. She called me back just before closing to tell me that she had spoken to the owner who told her to tell me that it needed a cam shaft sensor. The fuel pump was a waste of time. They were going to “eat the cost of the fuel pump and not remove it.” So I asked to speak to him and she said he was unavailable until Monday. Monday morning, I drove over to meet with him. Told him this was the last thing I was doing with them.

That was the good experience. Made the mistake of accidentally stopping into a car dealership. How was it an accident? A couple weeks ago in the beginning of the car problems, I had the dashboard also tell me to check the tire pressure. What now??? It was a Sunday afternoon and I had just finished working out and swimming. I drove home slowly and carefully. Next door neighbor was in his driveway. Asked him what I should do, he said to put air in the tire. There is only one place you can buy air here and it was out of order. Went to Autozone and bought a small compressor unit. Next day drove to Santa Fe to get the tire checked/repaired; turns out there was a nail in it. When I left there, I had decided a shortcut route back to the highway and turned on the wrong sidestreet. A man was waving him arms at me to stop. I thought he was in trouble and needed help so I pulled over into the driveway he was pointing to.  Turns out it was a car dealership. What an idiot. I should have just driven away. I made the further mistake of getting down and checking the place out for a new used vehicle. Three hours later with a blinding headache and high blood pressure I had several men pressuring me to buy a vehicle I could no way afford. The only reason I escaped with my life and my wallet was because I told them I had a migraine and had to go down the block to the CVS for Excedrin. I never went back. They kept calling me too.

What’s the lesson from all of this? No lesson. At times like this is when I really miss my late husband; he loved dealing with car salesmen. NOT ME!!!!

Now I have to do homework for school AND to find a car!!! Hope you don’t have this experience. If you do, peace, love and blessings…to all.