Author: nmrecoveryhope

The thing about this disease of addiction is just how insidious and Machiavellian it really is…just as I know I am committed to my recovery and staying clean (46 days today), and attending my NA meetings and trying to be service, here comes this old behavior of my disease, rationalizations about not needing to drive to my meetings, or complacency about getting my Step 1 work completed by my sponsor’s deadline…and worst of all, cravings –for the enemy!  And I can see in my acting out behavior that the crafty disease is trying to suck me into failure!  NO!  “No. You will not win TODAY.”  That’s what I told her; my addiction disease; I named her “WILEY” -you know-like the coyote.  I acknowledged her and used my DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills to get her to leave me the hell alone.  Sent her to the Time-Out corner, long enough for me to forget about her.  The craving passed.  I like that 3-step approach of Delay, Distract and then Decide -it works for me.  I know that those of us who are trying to understand our Dual Diag-nonsense (diagnoses), will try anything to keep our behaviors at bay -whether they are caused by our underlying issues to our addiction disease or not.  I ALWAYS felt ALONE – SO ALONE –ALWAYS!  Then I hear in the rooms shares by other people with the same problem.  We don’t want to be on medicine of ANY kind as we fight to stay clean in our recovery, but the doctors tell us we suffer from PTSD or Bi-polar disease, or Schizophrenia or whatever, and that the only way to control the emotional ride is with psychotropic drugs.  So the use of Chinese medicine or homeopathic or naturopathic remedies is on the RISE.  We learn as many alternative techniques as we can to fight our feelings and our fears. We are desperately trying to retrain our brains or the voices in our heads to behave the right way.  But it’s a struggle in its own right.  What IS “normal”?  So hearing this shared, and feeling this way myself, I am left with this thought:  I AM grateful for the sharing I have experienced in my recovery, and for the opportunity to share with others…in the rooms…and HERE.  Peace, love and blessings.

I am so excited to have this site; to have the opportunity to share with others and have them share with me. I am really grateful.  Now I just need to get the word out!  Those in active recovery or those even still struggling, talk to me!  Tell your story here and share it with others if you feel you can.  As I have shared in previous blogs (read them if you haven’t), my story is becoming so commonplace -addiction to prescription pills that turned into the worst nightmare imaginable. But the trauma that led to my disease of addiction, I am learning in the rooms that it is not an uncommon story either; every share I hear, I can relate to some part of.  Lots of us have been abused, physically, emotionally, sexually…and we run from it our whole lives as hard and fast and long as we can…until we crash…and we find ourselves in the pit of despair -trapped in a life with no way out–or so we think.

Sick as your Secrets (my history)

My trauma started when I was very young.  I had a half-brother who was using a lot of hardcore street drugs, and he had a violent temper, which I witnessed up close and personal from the time I was a toddler, until I was grown with children of my own (I finally cut him out of my life as an adult).  Quaaludes made him crazy -so violent.  My half-sister committed suicide and I didn’t understand what was happening, then he went to prison and when he emerged, he decided to become a pimp.  He would beat these women in front of me as a child (while he was supposed to be “babysitting” me.  He would leave for a couple hours, and make me accountable to him for whether or not they turned their tricks and earned their money.  If they didn’t, he would beat them bloody in front of me, and order me to wait for him in his bed where he would later sexually abuse me.  This is the first time I have talked about this without a therapist.  A few years later (we moved across country from California to New York, to get away from him), I was walking home from school in upstate New York.  I was ten years old and decided to take a shortcut through the woods to my neighborhood.  A gang of teenagers grabbed me, tied me up, and took turns molesting me (thankfully they did not rape me).  A couple years later, back in California, my half-brother the pimp returned, with his pros in tow.  These girls would put makeup on me and dress me in their clothes, the way they dressed up for their tricks.  So it was no surprise to me that my girlfriend’s dad also molested me at fourteen.  This pattern seemed to follow me throughout my formative years, as when I got to New Mexico, my best friend’s dad started getting me drunk and taking advantage of me when I was sixteen.  He took my virginity as well and that relationship continued on until I was twenty.  Years later, I was working in the broadcasting industry, and one night after a promotional event I hosted at a bar, a man followed me to my hotel room, pushed me backward through the door into the room and raped me.  There are lots more incidents like these throughout my life…now that I am clean, I really can’t believe all of the things that have surfaced.  Stuff like this, coupled with the traumatic experience of the loss of my husband and mother back-to-back later in my life, just fueled my addiction.  I cannot believe the things I did to get my drugs.  I’ll talk about what a shameful hussy I was another time.  For now, the point is that I am living clean today, 43 days today, because I found help and hope.  I can visualize another future now for myself.  I could not before.  Can you see your dreams becoming reality?  I don’t mean like winning the lottery, although, that would be NICE, but just the dream of surviving and learning a new way to live -clean…healthy…happy.  I would have never thought it was possible 44 days ago, then I just wanted to DIE, and that was ALL I could see.  Today I am blessed with one more day clean, sober–which is more than I deserve. Just for today, I AM grateful to be in NA. Thanks for listening…let me know how you’re doing.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to get the treatment programs I did. I am so grateful for this.  I am so grateful for NA meetings because I can attend them anywhere (this is not an official promotion for that organization), but I appreciate how the opportunity to share with others and hearing others stories of struggle with addiction has changed my life.  Every day, I am thankful to my Higher Power for the day; clean -sober.  It is a beautiful day today and I plan to enjoy it and appreciate it because I can.  A month and a half ago, I was not grateful for anything.  I have a job, I have a home, I have healthy, productive, happy children.  These are blessings.  Life is a gift; that’s why they call it the present (someone said something like that).  I got up, did my yoga poses with meditation and prayer and mindfulness to be peaceful, calm and positive.  Then I scoured the house; kitchen dishes and counters, mopped the floors, vacuumed, did the laundry, made my bed and worked up a healthy sweat (although my mother would’ve said “horses sweat, ladies perspire :-).  Then a made myself a bubble bath and just relaxed for a while.  Made some of my calls to family far away.  Asked God to bless them all.  Thanked Him for the blessing of my late husband and mother.  Watered the plants and spent some time in the sunshine on my small front steps.  Now I am going to see a friend and then to a meeting where I hope to be of service.  I still haven’t finished setting up this blogsite, so please be patient as I learn to do it.  If you can post here, PLEASE PLEASE DO SO.  TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE, OR YOUR ADDICTION STRUGGLE, OR YOUR RECOVERY -OR HOPE FOR YOUR RECOVERY.  Peace, love and gratitude to you….How can I help?

I have created this blog with hope; hope for my recovery; hope for anyone and everyone who’s in recovery and those affected in their lives.  I have been clean for 39 days now and am attempting to accomplish 90 meetings in 90 days.  I completed my treatment in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Unfortunately, I live in a town about 35 miles away which does not offer 12-step meetings.  I am hoping to assist in creating the meetings I need there, however many addicts are still lost in their addiction and are closeted in my hometown.  So I attend meetings in Santa Fe.  It’s a lot of driving back and forth, but it’s so worth it to my sobriety and recovery.  I have been grateful each day I am sober; grateful to be in the rooms hearing others share their stories and how they have managed to live a better life clean.  My story has unfortunately become commonplace in New Mexico.  We have the highest rate of addiction in our state in the whole country.  I became addicted to prescribed narcotics due to pain management issues, but it just begins there.  I had so many underlying issues that were not addressed – especially depression and suicidal ideation from feeling trapped in my addiction and life.  I suffer from Bi-polar disease and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  I decided to start this blog as a way to reach out to other addicts –to give hope to those still struggling with their disease of addiction and feeling hopelessness and despair.  I have been in that battle; I am still fighting…and will continue to fight.  I hope that anyone who reads this blog, may feel safe enough to reach out.  I have this dream, but more on that later.  One step at a time, one day at a time.

I have heard in the rooms that you are only as sick as your secrets.  I was the keeper of many.  I lost two people who were completely influential in and had control over my life; my spouse and my mother–they died ten months apart.  I was already using and abusing my pain meds, but I asked the doctor for more and I received much more. I did not want to feel the grief and pain of those losses or anything else.  It grew to numbing my emotions for any reason.  I just did not want to feel.  Physically or emotionally.  I lied to everyone.  I blew a lot of money.  I called in sick to my job.  I became reclusive and alone. I did not want to see my children or siblings or father.  I just wanted to die.  I told myself that I could try to control my drug use -every time I got a new prescription, and every time, it was NEVER ENOUGH.  I was holding so much shame for so many other things in my life. I had traded my body for drugs when I lacked the resources to obtain them.  I finally hit the bottom in October of this year.  I overdosed to die; I had planned a different kind of overdose to die, but it didn’t go the way I wanted –it never does.  After everything came crumbling down, I looked up and my daughter was there -pleading with me to get help.  After she left, I still felt I could peacefully overdose and die.  You see, in my sick mind, I felt if I died, I would be with those I lost in a better place, and that my children and family would be better off without me and no longer needed me.  I landed in the worst hell of withdrawal and the decision was staring me dead on…GET HELP OR DIE.  I found a rehab location that was a dual diagnosis facility; their website said they treated mental health issues as well as addiction, and so I drove, very slowly and carefully in withdrawal hell, the worst physical pain I have ever felt, and I literally crawled into treatment.  That was 39 days ago.  I was abusing so many drugs for so long; prescription pain medicines of all kinds, morphine, Oxycontin, Valium and codeine -for 15 years.  My withdrawal continued on for two weeks.  I have found an outpatient program that has also saved my life.  The treatment works.  I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t want to.  I thought it was stupid and “woo-woo” and was skeptical of every kind of treatment and therapy they offered.  Then I decided I had a choice…either drink the kool-aid and be open-minded to healing my trauma and shame, or go back to using just once –and DIE.  Like I said, I changed my life and am in recovery -totally committed to my recovery –my top priority.  I want to be of service and contribute something to this world that helps others.  I am starting by blogging my experiences here and invite anyone and everyone to share theirs.  Peace and love to all who still suffer….