I have created this blog with hope; hope for my recovery; hope for anyone and everyone who’s in recovery and those affected in their lives. I have been clean for 39 days now and am attempting to accomplish 90 meetings in 90 days. I completed my treatment in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Unfortunately, I live in a town about 35 miles away which does not offer 12-step meetings. I am hoping to assist in creating the meetings I need there, however many addicts are still lost in their addiction and are closeted in my hometown. So I attend meetings in Santa Fe. It’s a lot of driving back and forth, but it’s so worth it to my sobriety and recovery. I have been grateful each day I am sober; grateful to be in the rooms hearing others share their stories and how they have managed to live a better life clean. My story has unfortunately become commonplace in New Mexico. We have the highest rate of addiction in our state in the whole country. I became addicted to prescribed narcotics due to pain management issues, but it just begins there. I had so many underlying issues that were not addressed – especially depression and suicidal ideation from feeling trapped in my addiction and life. I suffer from Bi-polar disease and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I decided to start this blog as a way to reach out to other addicts –to give hope to those still struggling with their disease of addiction and feeling hopelessness and despair. I have been in that battle; I am still fighting…and will continue to fight. I hope that anyone who reads this blog, may feel safe enough to reach out. I have this dream, but more on that later. One step at a time, one day at a time.
I have heard in the rooms that you are only as sick as your secrets. I was the keeper of many. I lost two people who were completely influential in and had control over my life; my spouse and my mother–they died ten months apart. I was already using and abusing my pain meds, but I asked the doctor for more and I received much more. I did not want to feel the grief and pain of those losses or anything else. It grew to numbing my emotions for any reason. I just did not want to feel. Physically or emotionally. I lied to everyone. I blew a lot of money. I called in sick to my job. I became reclusive and alone. I did not want to see my children or siblings or father. I just wanted to die. I told myself that I could try to control my drug use -every time I got a new prescription, and every time, it was NEVER ENOUGH. I was holding so much shame for so many other things in my life. I had traded my body for drugs when I lacked the resources to obtain them. I finally hit the bottom in October of this year. I overdosed to die; I had planned a different kind of overdose to die, but it didn’t go the way I wanted –it never does. After everything came crumbling down, I looked up and my daughter was there -pleading with me to get help. After she left, I still felt I could peacefully overdose and die. You see, in my sick mind, I felt if I died, I would be with those I lost in a better place, and that my children and family would be better off without me and no longer needed me. I landed in the worst hell of withdrawal and the decision was staring me dead on…GET HELP OR DIE. I found a rehab location that was a dual diagnosis facility; their website said they treated mental health issues as well as addiction, and so I drove, very slowly and carefully in withdrawal hell, the worst physical pain I have ever felt, and I literally crawled into treatment. That was 39 days ago. I was abusing so many drugs for so long; prescription pain medicines of all kinds, morphine, Oxycontin, Valium and codeine -for 15 years. My withdrawal continued on for two weeks. I have found an outpatient program that has also saved my life. The treatment works. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t want to. I thought it was stupid and “woo-woo” and was skeptical of every kind of treatment and therapy they offered. Then I decided I had a choice…either drink the kool-aid and be open-minded to healing my trauma and shame, or go back to using just once –and DIE. Like I said, I changed my life and am in recovery -totally committed to my recovery –my top priority. I want to be of service and contribute something to this world that helps others. I am starting by blogging my experiences here and invite anyone and everyone to share theirs. Peace and love to all who still suffer….