Never Alone, Never Again…Never

The thing about this disease of addiction is just how insidious and Machiavellian it really is…just as I know I am committed to my recovery and staying clean (46 days today), and attending my NA meetings and trying to be service, here comes this old behavior of my disease, rationalizations about not needing to drive to my meetings, or complacency about getting my Step 1 work completed by my sponsor’s deadline…and worst of all, cravings –for the enemy!  And I can see in my acting out behavior that the crafty disease is trying to suck me into failure!  NO!  “No. You will not win TODAY.”  That’s what I told her; my addiction disease; I named her “WILEY” -you know-like the coyote.  I acknowledged her and used my DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills to get her to leave me the hell alone.  Sent her to the Time-Out corner, long enough for me to forget about her.  The craving passed.  I like that 3-step approach of Delay, Distract and then Decide -it works for me.  I know that those of us who are trying to understand our Dual Diag-nonsense (diagnoses), will try anything to keep our behaviors at bay -whether they are caused by our underlying issues to our addiction disease or not.  I ALWAYS felt ALONE – SO ALONE –ALWAYS!  Then I hear in the rooms shares by other people with the same problem.  We don’t want to be on medicine of ANY kind as we fight to stay clean in our recovery, but the doctors tell us we suffer from PTSD or Bi-polar disease, or Schizophrenia or whatever, and that the only way to control the emotional ride is with psychotropic drugs.  So the use of Chinese medicine or homeopathic or naturopathic remedies is on the RISE.  We learn as many alternative techniques as we can to fight our feelings and our fears. We are desperately trying to retrain our brains or the voices in our heads to behave the right way.  But it’s a struggle in its own right.  What IS “normal”?  So hearing this shared, and feeling this way myself, I am left with this thought:  I AM grateful for the sharing I have experienced in my recovery, and for the opportunity to share with others…in the rooms…and HERE.  Peace, love and blessings.

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