Author: nmrecoveryhope

Well, I finished my neuropsychological evaluation for my Fitness for Duty case and got the report.  I learned that for the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-IV, my Current Full-Scale IQ is at the 92nd percentile.  Basically, I guess this means that I am NOT STUPID!  Boo-yah!  It also reveals from the Wechsler Memory Scale-IV that my verbal comprehension and Working Memory are both at the 98th percentile.  My overall cognitive function is excellent, however my processing speed has DECLINED to the 30th percentile.  The results show a decline in my visual memory function.  This means that if I think of my brain like a computer, things that I must concentrate on in a multi-tasking manner get jumbled.  There are reasons and causes for this.  It could be the decades of drug use; my age; and the fact that I am receiving large quantities of information all day long from my computer, my phone headset I am connected to from 8:15 – 5:45, the employees at my desk needing immediate assistance with various things and my four managers asking me questions and giving me instructions to do things.  There are ways I can work to cope with this until my processing improves.

One suggestion is that I work on eliminating the stress and anxiety that my COS and managers cause me.  I have been given suggestions to improve my self-confidence and self-esteem and how to continue setting firm boundaries.  Another, is that I can continue to use my lists and post-its and ask my colleagues to slow down while I get a notepad and write down/transcribe what they say to me.  I am not allowed recording equipment so all old-school manual tips and tricks.  I am also supposed to make sure that I UNPLUG from my headset and take a break at least twice a day if not more to give my brain a rest from work stuff altogether.

Some very nice verbiage came out of the evaluation report.  The psychological profile testing led to “patient does not have any personality disorder” and “patient is highly competent, diligent, conscientious and hard-working, open, trusting, honest, and more than capable of performing this job.”  DUH!!!

I have a very nice friend at the Occupational Medicine building who believes in me, and will do everything she can to help me get this FFD closed very soon.  I will be extremely relieved when it has all concluded.  I always feel so much better about myself after meeting with her.  I think it’s because with her and my therapist in Santa Fe, they treat me with respect and talk to me like a friend and not some neurotic.

I can share more about this experience later, but for those of you in recovery who have had to deal with this process due to your addiction, please share on this site what your experience has been like.  An employer cannot terminate you when you are in recovery or for the results of these types of medical evaluations.  I am learning a lot about that.

The bottom line is, as ex-junkies who are in recovery, and along with aging, we are going to experience some loss of memory function.  Can it be arrested?  Improved?  I am told that there are exercises up on the web that you can do (like puzzles and mini-memory-function tests) and suggestions for improving lifestyle too.

Read this article:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/how-to-improve-your-memory.htm

Go check out mentalfloss.com and this website too:

https://www.memory-improvement-tips.com/brain-games.html

Sorry that my links are not working (just copy and paste them into the address bar of your browser)

I’ll have more on this topic as things progress for me.  Peace, love and brain function blessings to all….

They say that NA heartbeats are when two addicts get together.  I was outside of Santa Fe when I got a call from a friend in the rooms who said they missed me and invited me to come to the Friday night meeting. The strange thing is that I was thinking about him just a half hour before he called me by some weird coincidence or Godshot.  I heard a lot of good shares on the topic of sponsors and it got me to thinking about mine and how we had fallen out of touch with each other so I found a new sponsor.

It was the push I needed to get me back to working on my steps.    I thought about why we need a sponsor…it’s because we can’t spot self-deception on our own.  Recovery is a journey, not an event.  It takes effort on our part to open up and select a sponsor; someone we can be truly honest with and trust with our secrets.  It is not their job to track us every day and solve all our problems.  They say “an addict alone is in bad company.”  …And if you’re sponsoring yourself, you’ve got an a**hole for a sponsor.  I have been reclusive too much and am out to change that dynamic.

I spent time with my visiting family and my sister’s family this week.  I realize how much I have missed them.  I also realize how much I have missed my meetings off the hill.  I brought my 8-year-old niece over for a girl’s night.  We played with dollies and other toys I bought her; we did hilarious artwork together with markers and crayons and glitter paper.  We painted each other’s nails; straightened mine and then braided each other’s hair.  We played in the makeup.  We even went for a nice walk after dinner.  I love this little girl –precocious and yet innocent and unspoiled by the world.  I will do my best to protect her.

Then today I am going on a picnic with a colleague I have been close friends with for many years.  When I get back, I will work on my steps, then go have dinner with my elder boyfriend.  Sounds like a great start to share with my new sponsor.  I’m sure I will have much to blog about, except we glued fake glitter nails on me and I am having trouble keyboarding as a result.

Peace, love and picnic blessings to all….

How strange it seems that no ridiculous “I-Love-Lucy”-ish experience has befallen me this week, but I am confident something WILL HAPPEN.  I cancelled my root canal (part two) again, still waiting for the infection in the tooth to calm down, plus I have a new mouth trauma –I know you all will totally get this too:

The inside of my cheek is puffy inward (from the infection), so…I bit it hard, accidentally.  What comes next?  You bite it hard AGAIN!  AND IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT!!!  And AGAIN and AGAIN…so that now there is a lovely white sore there.  I would love to say that I am losing weight due to these problems –let’s call it the Dental Nightmare Diet.  Unfortunately, I have not seen any pounds make their exit yet.

Other than that, things have been…quiet.  EXCEPT:  This morning, as I was just getting ready to leave for work, this large plastic storage box that I keep on the desk next to my computer, which contains all the condolence cards from my late husband AND mother’s deaths, and letters of goodbye that I wrote to them, just FLEW OFF THE DESK and HIT THE FLOOR WITH A LOUD THUMP!  It really startled me – more accurately, it unnerved me. 

You see, I believe that those we lose can still contact us from wherever they are if they need to warn us or tell us something.  I know that sounds cheesy to a lot of you, but I have had several experiences as have other members of my family and friends we know, that cannot be explained rationally or scientifically.  So I take heed when the unusual happens.  There was no scientific reason that that storage box full of stuff should have gone off the desk to the floor.  So, I took it as a message and called to check on my mother-in-law, my children and my dad.  My dad did not answer so I am worried a little.

I agreed to go to a meeting off the hill tonight, against my better judgment, to support a home group member who is celebrating one year clean today.  (This is someone I have said that takes advantage of me and others, but I see it as an opportunity to forgive and let go).

∞∞∞∞∞∞

So, my message back to those I love and lost is -yes I will pay attention to my family and be grateful, and I will be forgiving of others and let go of any negativity.

Peace, Love and blessings…and forgiveness.

NA Basic text cautions us about complacency.  Just for Today also warns us about it.  It is so easy to justify skipping a meeting.  I wasn’t feeling good.  I was too tired.  I didn’t have a ride.  My car had problems.  A family member / friend needed my help.  I had a bad day at work. I was not in the mood to be around others.  The excuses can go on forever.  I think we even heard one of our home group members use his dog as an excuse.  We laughed at him…really???  Your dog ate your homework???  I absolutely cannot judge anyone for anything.  I have missed meetings; mostly because I no longer want to drive that distance, and find it expensive in terms of transportation costs and wear and tear on my vehicle (not to mention all the damn speeding tickets I have gotten over the past ten months).

But what happens when you really NEED  a meeting?  The one you usually attend gets cancelled and you don’t have time to get to another one in another city?  I say this:  If you become consciously aware of the fact that you NEED a meeting, then do whatever it takes to get to one –even if you are late.  If you absolutely cannot physically get to a meeting and you KNOW you NEED one, then call a sponsor or a friend and do a SKYPE or phone meeting with the two of you; you can even call forward to add in others.  There are all kinds of ways.  Skype is another, but so is creating a group text.  There are online NA meetings too (although I have not tried this yet, so I can’t speak to how the experience is yet).

It’s important to pay attention to your feelings about your meetings.  Just as it is important to “check-in” with yourself (I know, that expression is really getting overused, but it doesn’t make my point any less valid).  Ask yourself how your day is going according to YOU.  Remind yourself of all the pros of attending a meeting.  You ALWAYS LEAVE A MEETING FEELING BETTER THAN YOU DID BEFORE IT.  You ALWAYS LEAVE A MEETING FEELING UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED AND ACCEPTED.  You ALWAYS GET GOOD HUGS AND AFFECTION.  You ALMOST ALWAYS HEAR SOMETHING WISE OR PROFOUND THAT IMPACTS YOU OR RESONATES WITH THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING AT THE MOMENT.  YOU VIRTUALLY FEEL SATISFIED.

So remember that meetings are an important part of recovery, not just in the beginning, but also in maintaining your recovery for the long-haul.  Also, never forget that YOU ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THE MEETING.  And something YOU say, may be just what another person or especially a newcomer needs to hear.  And that, is worth anything.  After all, what is the point of the NA Steps – to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Peace, love, blessings and happy meetings to all!

Well, it has been a long never-ending tough week.  Last Monday night I got stuck in a construction stop not even a half mile from my home.  After 15 minutes went by, I texted my other home group member that I was stuck and she said she did not want to wait on me so we cancelled our meeting together.  Tuesday, everything was on track for me to attend my home group, but another member texted me she needed a ride because she was stuck 30 miles away.  Poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  I told her I could not pick her up (she can be selfish and demanding and it was time for me to hold my boundaries as I have been running her around for the last nine months).  So just myself and the other guy in our home group had a meeting and it was okay as just the two of us.  Wednesday I took a hot bubble bath and a break from meetings.  Thursday I had to see the Doctor in the IO program for Suboxone.  Somehow the blood test she got back on me said I was positive for all kinds of insane drugs that I swore to her I never touched.  But how do you prove a negative?  I was crying because she called me a liar and said I needed to stop lying to her and to myself.  I have no idea how I could possibly have tested positive for PCP, Cannabis and Methodone!  I told her, wouldn’t I have been all f@#$&d up when you saw me right before the draw???  First I texted my therapist and sponsor.  Then I called my sister who pointed out that the doctor’s false accusations were triggering me and I needed to take care of myself.  So I took another hot bubble bath.

Friday I went to finish my neuro-psychological testing (five more hours).  When I was done, I visited with Dr. and we ended on a high note (I was almost in a happy mood).  I decided to take my time going home.  I drove the speed limit through the northern area and in the construction zone on the bridge on the highway leading home.  Just after, I had to actually pee so I sped up, then remembered all the hardcore construction zones were coming up just around the bend.  Just as I hit the brakes to slow down, out of nowhere, flashing lights.  Result – a 261 dollar ticket!  I was sooooooo mad at myself!!!

Another bubble bath.

Saturday morning I slept in too long but got a call from my bank asking if I had taken a $205 cash withdrawal at an ATM in Oregon an hour earlier….Crap.  Someone has hijacked my debit card number.  Had to cancel the debit card but couldn’t get to the bank to get cash before it closed.  Without cash for the weekend.

Another bubble bath, and then a second to let go of all the stress accumulated over the past week!

So here it was Monday again, and I was really poised to go to a meeting.  I left work at 1PM to get my hair cut and colored (which normally takes an hour and a half).  This time, however, my hair turned BOZO THE CLOWN ORANGE EVERYWHERE!!!

Both the hairstylist and I were freaked out!  First we tried to take the orange out with blond.  After another hour went by, still orange.  Then we tried brown and that helped somewhat.

Well, my bath is getting cold.

Peace, love and blessings…and bubble baths to all 🙂