Who Am I Now?

I have enjoyed getting real and honest in the first three steps.  Self-awareness is a natural high in and of itself.  Step one taught me the action of surrender from my powerlessness and unmanageable life; I do this every day and all day.  This propelled me to explore my beliefs and determine that a Higher Power has spared me from all the trauma because there is a plan for and purpose to my life.  He restored me to sanity.  I have not picked up for almost 6 months now.  This led to my making a decision of commitment; a leap of faith; to turn over the care of my will and my life to God as I understand Him.

That word care is very important, as I have seen (and learned) that there are dry addicts who have been clean for years that make their HP the NA program.  The only problem with this is misinterpretation and misapplication.  We ask God to “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to KNOW the DIFFERENCE.”  We know that we have free will, and thus self-will.  This has gotten us into more problems in active addiction than we could manage.  Unfortunately, there are those who believe that giving God control over our lives somehow takes away our accountability and responsibility.  Careful, people.  This is far from the truth,  We make the decisions and choices in our lives, but we ask God for the guidance to make the RIGHT ones.

It’s discernment…right?  In the past we have lied so much to so many, that it will take a long time to rebuild the trust in those relationships.  All that’s left is for us to lie to ourselves.  We KNOW the difference between right and wrong and how not to make the wrong decision or choice.  The acting out voice in my head taunts me…it says “if you give it all over to your higher power and your HP is the program, it would be too easy to blame the program if you made the wrong choice.  I have also built trust in my Higher Power and that trust cannot be broken.  I will pray for His gentle guidance, talk to my sponsor, share in meetings and wait and see what comes back to me before I “do the next right thing.”

If the basis of the program is one addict helping another addict, perhaps a newcomer, then why am I hearing about past mistakes as if someone is bragging about their wrong choices???  I don’t care about your past sins, as a newcomer I want to hear about recovery and HOW TO GET THERE.  The literature even says, we don’t care how much you used or how little you have.  I am learning who I WANT to be through also learning who I DON’T WANT TO BE.

As I commence my moral inventory in the 4th step, I want to be transformed by identifying wrong choice patterns in my life and learning to avoid them from here on out.  I want to learn just who I AM and also who I WANT TO BECOME.

I will always maintain accountability for my own personal actions, but I will pray like hell for guidance and protection every day.  Each step I take is a baby step in the right direction.  I too could blog about how my disease of addiction caused me to do this bad thing or that, but the bottom line is that because I was IN active addiction, I made a lot of really sh*tty choices and have paid for them over and over; and will continue to do so as I heal over time.  I am learning to let go of them, but will never diminish the weight of their consequences.

I don’t mean to sound “preachy” and I hope I do not offend anyone, I just have noticed how some people have interpreted the steps differently to suit their own needs….I’m just sayin’….

Peace, love and blessings…speak out!

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