I have experienced a lot of things, good and bad, in my near 56 years on this planet. I have learned that I am a survivor and that instinct has served me well, as I have survived a lot of traumatic events. What I stink at is letting go of these events. It’s time. Nobody in my family wants to discuss this stuff anymore.
I have a good therapist in my life. I have a great sponsor and new friends in the program. So what am I waiting for? Third step is about turning my life over to a higher power that is greater than me, greater than my addiction, greater than any painful event I endured. Turning these things over is about me letting go…but I am afraid to.
What does that even mean? I feel like if I do let go of it, I will lose some part of myself in the process. I am told that the opposite would occur, in that instead, I would grow; maybe even grow up finally. It’s like the suggestion of integrating my alters. Would they die? If I let go of deaths and abandonment, rapes, abortions, incest, and all of my sick secrets, then who do I become? AM I READY? I feel like I am. I want to in my head, but not in my heart or the reverse of that –I’m not sure.
I’m convinced that this takes a leap of faith. My faith is stronger. My head still has compartments with locked cabinets of stored or repressed memories; some in an indestructible safe! My head has cobwebs in some places and the persona in the compartments are like glass that can be shattered into shards.
My heart has hope, fear, uncertainty, peace, ambition/determination and resolve, gratitude, open-mindedness, willingness, honesty and acceptance…oh and love, there is always lots of love.
I am fully self-aware. There will be disappointments, confusion even terror and pain. But if I take this step forward, there will be peace and serenity, with the continued hope for a better future as a better person. It will make me healthier from a mental health perspective. I feel like I could try it –with just one thing and see if I succeed.
New dilemma, what do I let go of first?
I believe that in order for it to help me, it should probably be the most painful experience I have ever had. That may be difficult to prioritize. I maintain that out of all the things I have gone through, the loss of my husband and the way it happened was the most painful.
I will try to let this go and let you know how the experience affects me. Wish me luck.
Peace Love and Blessings to all.
NMRecoveryHOPE 