I heard a share by a young man tonight who captivated the attention of fifty people in the rooms by sharing his story which included, among other things, sexual abuse. This sparked a dialogue with the other men in the room who noted that it seems to be a forbidden topic; yet a great many of us have suffered some sort of sexual trauma or abuse. That’s one of the main underlying causes of addiction. Another man shared his story of being molested by a priest.
So why is this topic so taboo? I think I understand why it is more difficult for the men to discuss; society places these ridiculous expectations that a man by definition is stronger than a woman, and therefore, cannot be taken advantage of sexually; cannot be raped. Well you don’t have to watch an episode of SVU to know that’s bullsh*t. It happens to a lot of men when they are young and more and more of them are coming out and discussing it openly. This takes real courage; we should laud them for their bravery to discuss a topic which has been deemed “off-limits” for centuries.
Don’t get me wrong — this does not minimize the rape, abuse and sexual trauma that women experience. Me included. Here’s what I can share.
[Disclaimer: I do not recall all of the details as I have said before. I am now aware in therapy that I have blocked a lot out] Rough, but here goes….
I believe I was sexually abused by my half-brother (the drug-addled pimp) from a very young age. A lot of this is repressed so I will share more later as I remember it. I remember too when I was ten and was on my way home from school. I remember what I was wearing because I had an argument with my mother about wearing it (buying it). It was a green and white plaid blouse with puffy sleeves, and a white pilgrim-style collar with embroidered flowers across the collar. I thought it was too babyish. I chose the nylon stretch bell-bottom pants that matched it. I hated the whole outfit but wore it at my mother’s insistence. Anyway, as I said, I was on my way home from school and I decided to cut through the woods to my house on a path. Once in the woods, a young guy (about 17) jumped out in front of me and scared me to death. Each direction I tried to get past him, he blocked. Then, four others came out from behind the trees. They surrounded me and taunted me. They told me if I wanted to make it out of there I would do whatever they told me to. The leader of this pack was a teenage girl about 16 or 17. She took out her switchblade pocket knife to frighten me. It worked. They encircled me at a tree and tied me to it with rope. Then they cut my blouse open with their knife. I already had breasts, but was not fully mature yet. They took turns molesting me, rubbing and pinching my nipples and did the same with my vag. I was terrified and sobbing. When they finally let me go, they said if I told anyone they would kill me and my family, ending with a trite “we know where you live” as I ran off. I was screaming all the way out of there, and remember that I ran all the way home so fast that my heart was pounding so hard that my chest hurt.
Long story short, I never received any kind of therapy about this incident. Now, later, when I was about thirteen, I got dumped with my half-brother for him to babysit me. He was always wasted on drugs and alcohol and had a violent temper (as did my mother). He told me to watch the girls (his pros who turned tricks in front of me), and to make sure they did not leave with anyone or go anywhere (the tricks came to his house and left when they finished). When he came home, he told me to get in his bed and go to sleep. I would get in his bed in my clothes.
He would eventually come to bed and would kiss me and molest me. That’s all I can say.
On my 18th birthday I was raped (by my best friend’s father). When I was 26, I was raped in a hotel room.
I am now feeling very uncomfortable and nauseous and sad and angry and I think I will stop here. My point about this being a taboo topic is valid though.
P, L, B to all.
NMRecoveryHOPE 